Glad you had a reasonable day, and hope you enjoy the maze today. I was thinking about your sitch last night, and your H's difficult childhood.
I wonder with the alcohol use and pulling away from the M - whether he is in some 'crisis' about the childhood issues - and that they are 'knocking on his door' wanting to be dealt with? Of course, this wouldn't be something he is likely to want to hear from you...
It's just a theory, and feel free to ignore - but I'm reading Men in Midlide Crisis at the moment, and some of the stuff resonated with me in respect of your H - 'medicating' and pulling away from others etc...
Enjoy yourselves at the Maze if you go today! And if you anticipate some pullback, just be very relaxed yourself about it - zigzags are such a feature of these sitches :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
H and I were eating breakfast, and I felt really nauseous (side effect of ADs) and couldn't finish, so I told him I'd just started ADs.
He came over and gave me a big hug and stroked my hair and said "I'm so proud of you, I know how scared you were, that must have been really hard for you."
He gave me another really long (5 or 10 minute) hug and then we had this conversation, during which he continued hugging me and stroking my hair:
Me: I should have gone on ADs a long time ago. Like 8 or 10 months ago. I'm sorry I didn't. H: You don't have to apologise for anything. Don't say sorry. Me (tried really hard not to cry but started crying anyway): Thank you for looking after me when I was depressed. H (also started crying): You don't have to thank me. I don't think I did a very good job anyway. Me: Yes you did. Why do you say that? H: I just didn't. Me: Why do you think you didn't do a good job? H: I stopped you from getting the proper help you needed. <<I blamed him for this post BD. I think it is true we got into a bad cycle, but it still wasn't good blaming him, especially since he just took it. Me: Well, it was my fault because I should have gone and gotten help. H: It was neither of our fault's. Me: I'm sorry I put you through it. It must have been really hard. H (crying): Don't say that. I have so many good memories.
^^I don't get it - if he has so many good memories, then why does he still want to go ahead and end things?!
I tried to pull away and look at him when we were speaking but he just kept pulling me back into a hug.
Not sure if I did the right thing here. I know I shouldn't have started crying, but I couldn't stop myself. But, I think it's good we acknowledged this and spoke about it.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Glad you had a reasonable day, and hope you enjoy the maze today. I was thinking about your sitch last night, and your H's difficult childhood.
I wonder with the alcohol use and pulling away from the M - whether he is in some 'crisis' about the childhood issues - and that they are 'knocking on his door' wanting to be dealt with? Of course, this wouldn't be something he is likely to want to hear from you...
It's just a theory, and feel free to ignore - but I'm reading Men in Midlide Crisis at the moment, and some of the stuff resonated with me in respect of your H - 'medicating' and pulling away from others etc...
Enjoy yourselves at the Maze if you go today! And if you anticipate some pullback, just be very relaxed yourself about it - zigzags are such a feature of these sitches :-)
Hi Toots, I think it definitely could be. In the first week after BD, when I was still reeling, I kept thinking it was like he was going through a crisis, and several of my friend suggested it too - except he's too young for a MLC.
He has never dealt with his childhood issues as far as I'm aware and is quite resistant to talking about his childhood (he told me about it, but glossed over it in MC, and I don't know if he talks to anyone else about it). When I have brought it up in the past he always says "oh it didn't affect me."
But I am quite certain that the anger and fear and sadness it all built up in him somewhere...
Is the book a good read? Wondering if it would be worth buying - I've got a big reading list atm though!
Thanks - heading off to the maze in a little bit! Ha, I love what you said about the zigzags - so true!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I think it's a pretty good read. Some things have really resonated with me. One thing he says is that most R's are inherently based on deception in that we try to show our 'best' selves to someone in order that they will like/love/marry us. In the M, we continue to do this, trying to be the best W/H etc...and inherently we suppress our own needs, and part of our own self in this process.
He says that the above is the enemy of a good marriage because it can only be sustained for so long. And if we and our S are just talking about 'practical/functional' stuff - rather than deeper hopes, desires, needs etc - ie: not our true selves, we lose intimacy. And when we lose intimacy, we start to crave it, and think that our S can't give us what we need. But because we are still trying to show them our 'best self' we may not be asking for what we need for fear of not being liked.
On reflection, I think quite a lot of this went on in our R/M as we are both 'people pleasers.' Other parts of the book I'm not getting along quite so well with, and of course it isn't aimed at your age bracket - but useful nonetheless. Have a good day! :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
H and I were eating breakfast, and I felt really nauseous (side effect of ADs) and couldn't finish, so I told him I'd just started ADs.
He came over and gave me a big hug and stroked my hair and said "I'm so proud of you, I know how scared you were, that must have been really hard for you."
He gave me another really long (5 or 10 minute) hug and then we had this conversation, during which he continued hugging me and stroking my hair:
Me: I should have gone on ADs a long time ago. Like 8 or 10 months ago. I'm sorry I didn't. H: You don't have to apologise for anything. Don't say sorry. Me (tried really hard not to cry but started crying anyway): Thank you for looking after me when I was depressed. H (also started crying): You don't have to thank me. I don't think I did a very good job anyway. Me: Yes you did. Why do you say that? H: I just didn't. Me: Why do you think you didn't do a good job? H: I stopped you from getting the proper help you needed. <<I blamed him for this post BD. I think it is true we got into a bad cycle, but it still wasn't good blaming him, especially since he just took it. Me: Well, it was my fault because I should have gone and gotten help. H: It was neither of our fault's. Me: I'm sorry I put you through it. It must have been really hard. H (crying): Don't say that. I have so many good memories.
^^I don't get it - if he has so many good memories, then why does he still want to go ahead and end things?!
I tried to pull away and look at him when we were speaking but he just kept pulling me back into a hug.
Not sure if I did the right thing here. I know I shouldn't have started crying, but I couldn't stop myself. But, I think it's good we acknowledged this and spoke about it.
At some point in the convo he also said something like "I really wanted to fix it but I didn't know how." I think I missed an opportunity to validate there (and find out what exactly he meant) but I let my emotions get in the way. I did the best I could though.
Still confused about this whole interaction though. H never spews. If anything, I am the one who spewed (post BD).
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Pullback as expected. H and I went to the maze and it was fun, but he was not talkative (although he said he had a good time). One of my 180s is not to chat constantly and fill all conversational gaps so I spent a lot of time quiet. That caused me to mind read and think "he must really hate me if he's not speaking". Just keep telling myself not to mind read!
I'm also still a bit shaken by our conversation this morning and uncertain whether I handled it ok.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
On the train back I was like "well, eff it." And decided to ignore H.
Who suddenly became very talkative and flirty... I had this cherry flavoured lip balm and he smelled it and said "that smells so nice. I bet it tastes really good..."
Then throughout the whole train journey he kept staring at my lips like he was going to kiss me. It was very hard to hold back!
This roller coaster is confusing...
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
He came to say good night and sat down on the bed next to me and gave me a long hug and then pulled away a little bit and then looked at me like he was going in for a kiss, then at the last minute pulled me back into a hug.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Didn't check in on you for a while. That's very very interesting and good developments. Gotta read more of the last couple pages. Just don't get too excited about it please. Stay as calm and focused on DB as you possibly can. The sitch is far from being over. Focus focus. Keep detachinv although it might even feel more weird right now. Keep GAL. If you continue it might draw him even closer to you. Just do everything reasonable. Think about a reconciliation scenario too, it's very helpful. Your S is so fresh, there is a LOT more work you two have to do before you can have a healthy relationship again, if that's going to happen.
Plus one thing, he's a man. He might want something that all men want which is also slightly mind altering don't give in if he wants sex right now. It's a dangerous game in your situation.
Last edited by Complex; 02/16/1503:32 AM.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
don't give in if he wants sex right now. It's a dangerous game in your situation. 