Yesterday when I got off work and got home, the W and D were upstairs making me a Valentine's day card so I was asked to stay in the basement for a few minutes so they could finish it. The card was cute and whom could pass up a homemade card from your D6. I hardly said a word to W and the same back but I was only upstairs for 2 minutes before I had D6 put on her jacket and we headed to my folks place for the evening. W was invited but chose not to come. D and I got home about 830pm and got changed, brush teeth, book and bed. I watched a single show but went to lay down in bed about 10pm and unfortunately laid awake in bed until past 1130pm. I had probably just fallen asleep when W comes home at 1204am. She of course doesn't say a word and just comes inside and heads straight to her room. Now having just fallen asleep and woke back up, I have to fight all over again to go back to sleep. D6 had a bad dream this morning so comes into our/my room around 6am but settles back down and goes back to sleep in our bed. Up this morning for breakfast and cartoons and I have to work at 10. W was not even out of bed when I left for the morning to come to work, now a 2nd day in a row.
It kills me to find out that W chose not to take D6 to D6's girlscout cookie selling activity at the local grocery store yesterday as was hoped/planned. Instead W spent the entire day with the OW and D. They all went to OW's gym apparently and OW is now having a weekly Saturday kid's workout which makes me sick to my stomach. As if it is a venus fly trap trying to suck my kid in more. OW cannot have kids...tried...so I have always been hyper-sensetive to the concept that part of what attracts my W to the OW was that they can share our D together. To think how many times my D has been exposed to OW in the last 18 months is just frightening. And since it was W's idea in the first place to sign D up for girl scouts, why is she not taking our D to this scheduled activity and instead running around with OW? Oh yah, it's a drug. She would rather just drag her kid around behind her like a junky who has to get her next fix of OW vs. do what is best for the child.
Today hurts. 100% of the time I see W, I am smiling and sometimes more conversational than others. 100% of the time I am with D, I am smiling and having fun with this prescious gift. When I am alone, it stinks.
Yesterday at 430pm was the last cigarette I have had and will see if I can keep it going. I have smoked off and on for a few years but the last six months I have smoked daily. Then I decided if I was going to love myself, I should be taking care of my body more and since cigaretts are a drug, and I hope my wife will give up her drug, I figured I better give up mine for me.
I am struggling with this GAL concept, not in principle but in application on a daily basis. I now celebrate me day each Wednesday but on a day to day basis I am missing some of the things to improve me, I am still searching. By the time I get off work this evening and get home and make supper and get D6 in bed, it will be 8pm. I can't leave, D is in bed. So...I need to work on some things around the home for me. Might paint some duck hunting decoys or something in the coming weeks, just things to do that I can do at home that I would enjoy in the evening time...for me.
Me:39 W:33 Married 6/07 D6 Found out about affair 9/14
