Betsey and Meredith-

Honestly, I think you guys are insane to think that there is anything left of my M to save...but I am going to trust you guys, and not file. That's it - I am going to do a whole bunch of nots in regard to Dustin (might as well keep referring to him by name, since I keep forgetting to call him H). I am not going to call him, I am not going to try and see him, I am not going to snoop into his stuff.

I am going to get counseling, if I have to drive two hours to find an affordable one. I need help with my anger and hurt...if it weren't for the anger I can't control, my husband and I would be looking forward to another family Sunday tomorrow. Instead I am posting from my parent's house, crying my eyes out.

I am exhausted. I couldn't sleep last night. My neck hurts. My wrist hurts. My heart hurts because I went after my husband like 5'10" of rabid dog, and at least he had the decency not to lay me out like he probably should have.

To be honest, my plan is to call our local organization on domestic violence and see if they make referrals for abusers who are woman - you know what, I have seriously abused my husband. Verbally and emotionally pretty consistently, and physically a couple of times. It fills me with such shame to admit that, and to admit that I, myself, have ruined this by my inability to control my emotions. I don't think Dustin would ever want me back (maybe in ten years, but that's a hell of a long time), and I can't say that I blame him. Damn, I just wish this was over most of the time.

But something (specifically a something named TripleJ) is telling me not to do anything right now, to just wait and see, even if it nearly kills me. (He didn't add the "even if it nearly kills me part) I think you guys are insane. I think that as soon as our bankruptcy is filed for, (Dustin wanted to wait to file for the big D until after we did that, because supposedly debt can come back on the other person even if they divorce?) I think he will run, not walk, to the courthouse with the D papers in his hand. But I won't do it.

I have never been able to master the 180 I need to - specifically STOPPING CONTACT with Dustin and letting him be the initiator. I have to do this, and it is going to be excruciatingly painful. The plan for Rhane's visitation is that he will pick him up from daycare and keep him overnight, then drop him off there in the morning, so I won't be seeing him at all. I really think I may not see him until the bankruptcy appt.

I still think you guys are nuts. I personally owe you all a beer if Dustin hasn't filed for the big D by May 1st. And that's with me DBing my a$$ off by not contacting him.
But I promise not to file, at least not yet.
Hugs,
Myrrh

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.