H and I were eating breakfast, and I felt really nauseous (side effect of ADs) and couldn't finish, so I told him I'd just started ADs.
He came over and gave me a big hug and stroked my hair and said "I'm so proud of you, I know how scared you were, that must have been really hard for you."
He gave me another really long (5 or 10 minute) hug and then we had this conversation, during which he continued hugging me and stroking my hair:
Me: I should have gone on ADs a long time ago. Like 8 or 10 months ago. I'm sorry I didn't. H: You don't have to apologise for anything. Don't say sorry. Me (tried really hard not to cry but started crying anyway): Thank you for looking after me when I was depressed. H (also started crying): You don't have to thank me. I don't think I did a very good job anyway. Me: Yes you did. Why do you say that? H: I just didn't. Me: Why do you think you didn't do a good job? H: I stopped you from getting the proper help you needed. <<I blamed him for this post BD. I think it is true we got into a bad cycle, but it still wasn't good blaming him, especially since he just took it. Me: Well, it was my fault because I should have gone and gotten help. H: It was neither of our fault's. Me: I'm sorry I put you through it. It must have been really hard. H (crying): Don't say that. I have so many good memories.
^^I don't get it - if he has so many good memories, then why does he still want to go ahead and end things?!
I tried to pull away and look at him when we were speaking but he just kept pulling me back into a hug.
Not sure if I did the right thing here. I know I shouldn't have started crying, but I couldn't stop myself. But, I think it's good we acknowledged this and spoke about it.
At some point in the convo he also said something like "I really wanted to fix it but I didn't know how." I think I missed an opportunity to validate there (and find out what exactly he meant) but I let my emotions get in the way. I did the best I could though.
Still confused about this whole interaction though. H never spews. If anything, I am the one who spewed (post BD).
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
