Until now, I have been struggling to figure out how to behave towards my W. I could not figure out what boundaries to draw. Heck, I was not even sure what a boundary meant. Until now, I have had such a hard time detaching. Now I know why. I was reading KieranR and Starsky's thread (an incredible, quickly-evolving thread - keep up the strong work Kieran) and it finally clicked.
Regardless of (or perhaps because of) what I have been saying to my WAW (threats, insults, sarcasm, bring passive aggressive), my actions until now were screaming that I want her back and that I want to control her. the angrier and jealouser (yup, I made that word up) that I got the more I was projecting that I want W back even if she is cheating. I was basically saying, that I will tolerate any behavior. As a result, she had no boundaries and my self-respect was diminished in my eyes and her eyes. *How very attractive* (sarcasm intended). I guess this is what all LBSs do. They act on their emotions, thinking that the begging and pleading we will help and that their WAW will respond to a rational argument.
I now realize that there are things I will not and can not tolerate. I have my standards. I need to tell her (through my actions) that I would not be willing to have her back as long as she is still with OM. The best way to do this is by not reacting to her crazy; By detaching. Part of being a man that W would be crazy to leave includes respecting myself, and GAL. If that means D, then so be it. I can't control her and I can't stop her for making her own mistakes.
I have read all this in thread after thread and it did not click until now. does everyone have this epiphany at some point during DB? I think it is too late to save my M. It is disappointing, but at the same time, for some reason, it is somewhat liberating. I need to detach and GAL for my own sanity, not to get her back. I need to proceed with the mediation process. Failure to do so makes me look like I am holding on. My friends, I had no idea what "drop the rope means" until this second. I kept asking asking people and never got a response. Looks like I figured it out on my own.
I still have to re-read DB and DR and have a long way to go, but I think I just made my first baby step. As far as being civil and cordial with my W, I realize that it is very important. I have been reading about "Parental Alienation Syndrome". This topic does not come up very much in the forums. I do not think it will help my children if I turn them against their mother. If anything it will be very harmful. Regardless, it will be easier to be civil with W the less I need from her.
I would like to be present, when W realizes what a tragic mistake she made.
RAI
P.S. I feel pretty good right now, but please someone chime in if it sounds like I am making a huge mistake on this.
