claire7 - I'm sorry about your FIL and also about the difficult situation you're in. I can't imagine the proper way to react when the news broke. I hope you know there was no obvious reaction. Make sure you don't take on you things that are beyond your control and responsibility. Your WAH has chosen to go his own way and he's about to face one of the consequences, that is lacking your support at this crucial moment. It's sad and we should hope that he gets through this life event as well as possible. I'm just saying that you should not feel guilty for the limits in which you can act at the moment.
With regards to your sitch in general, I've not read your entire threads, but it sounds like the D papers are going to go through. Hopefully, you're already past that step in your head, without expectations. In the meantime, there's probably little if anything to gather from his wording, his timing, etc. Think farther in the future.
It sounds like you have your head in the right place about D4. Being a mom is hard now, but that's also why it's so rewarding. Raising a child is a major accomplishment and you're doing it right now.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Claire, so so sorry to hear about your FIL. I know you will figure out the right thing to do around your H right now during such a difficult time. I would just let him know you're here if he needs anything and I think in this situation, a hug would be appropriate. Hang in there! Keeping your family in my prayers right now.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
So many thoughts swirling around in my head. Yesterday I had a really, really rough day. It felt like another BD-- couldn't sleep, had trouble eating, crying all day and couldn't get out of bed. Luckily I had an IC appointment, and I'm feeling much much better today.
I've been trying to form some coherent thoughts, but they are not quite coming together. Maybe some of you can help. I would certainly appreciate some input from the vets.
-- I feel so sad to be shut out of my H's family during this painful time. It has been such a painful reminder to me of what I have lost in this process-- the closeness I had with my SIL and MIL, for ex, and that I am not their family anymore.
--It's felt like a whole new BD in a way... my WAH's own father left his mother when he was very young. He and his wife were married for nearly 35 years. And yet my WAH has no real connection with his SM or SSiblings. He finds her very difficult to deal with and she was a source of real stress while his F was ill. The impact of divorce clearly can last a lifetime. The fact that his F's death has not seemed to make him rethink his commitment to abandoning our M (more on that in a moment) feels like another rejection all over again.
-- How do I know/why do I think he's not rethinking things? Well, I emailed him to tell him how sad I was about his father's passing, that I still cared about him, that this has been a painful and confusing time for me, and that I wasn't sure how to offer support given the boundaries he's placed on our relationship. It was probably a dumb move to email him, and a form of temperature checking. And, I guess I had some expectations. sigh.
His reply was full of pleasant, complimentary, thankful thoughts: Here's a sampling "This is a beautiful note" "I care about you, too, and not simply because you are the mother of my daughter." "You have been tremendously supportive"
And... "That you and I haven't yet fallen into a "new normal" (something I hope we can achieve in due time), surely contributes to the confusion about how to feel, how to help and support, and what to do" "the boundary between us that you mention doesn't have to mean that we don't acknowledge that we care about one another's well being or find ways, within our respective comfort zones, to make the other feel supported. I know we'll be presented with those opportunities many times to come. "Once again, thanks for your kindness"
--He's SO resolute in his position that there is no hope for our marriage, but yet wants to have this relationship that I can't even define, and can't imagine having with him at this point. This is the kind of relationship I imagine people have if they came to the decision to divorce together-- the "conscious uncoupling" type of relationship. Will I ever be able to feel that way about him? This divorce seems so unnecessary and hurtful to me. The fact that there was NO effort to attempt to repair our relationship baffles me. I just can't process these feelings, even after all this time.
I feel very confused and hurt right now. So confused that I'm even toying with the idea of insisting on a meeting with MWD herself as part of our settlement-- if only to help ME move on and help us come to a better place as co-parents.
--AND-- he has yet another business trip next week (really!) and has actually emailed me, "that means that D4 will have to stay with you Monday night." REALLY?!?! I can't even.
--I've been doing so much STFU I feel like I'm going to explode.
--We told D4 together here this afternoon. She was so upset. She asked WAH if he could stay for a bit. I told him he was welcome to stay as long as he wanted. He said to her, "But I have things to do. I have to do laundry, take my dry cleaning in, unpack my suitcase." I'm not kidding. Does he really wonder why she wants me to hold her instead of him??
Please throw me a life preserver. I feel like I'm drowning.
It's nice that your WAH replied with kindness to your note.
I'd like to respectfully suggest that you aren't acknowledging his feelings because you are so sure that you are right about the marriage. You get so angry that he feels the way he feels and your intent is to prove him wrong.
Would you really want your marriage back under those circumstances?
Wouldn't you rather he see your value and want you back because he came to that place himself?
And if he is dysfunctional enough to see leaving as a viable option, would you ever trust that life could stay good enough for you to feel safe in the marriage?
Sometimes I think you're wishing for him to be someone he's just not.
And I get it. You follow my threads; you know I struggle with the same things you do. But you focus an awful lot on him and how he won't come back to the marriage. But you're being just as stubborn in insisting on it.
I'm not going to lift myself up as any kind of poster child. But what I'm working towards is conducting myself in ALL my relationships the way I'd like to be in my future intimate relationship/marriage. You aren't. You're doing so much STFU that you're going to explode. Try a third way: changing your thinking so that STFU is just to give you time to practice being Claire v.2. Not a way of life in itself that breeds its own resentment.
Also:
Quote:
--We told D4 together here this afternoon. She was so upset. She asked WAH if he could stay for a bit. I told him he was welcome to stay as long as he wanted. He said to her, "But I have things to do. I have to do laundry, take my dry cleaning in, unpack my suitcase." I'm not kidding. Does he really wonder why she wants me to hold her instead of him??
You know this is how things are in my sitch too. Have you been reading what Betsey says about this? That her D20 told her XH that home is with mom and dad's is where she stays. And it broke her heart almost as much as his. But it also warmed it, because it was important to her to be home to her Ds. Go back through and read ALL of Betsey's posts to me. They will help you.
Last thought:
Quote:
Please throw me a life preserver. I feel like I'm drowning.
The image that comes to my mind is a lifeguard trying to save a drowning person who's panicking. Safety classes ALWAYS say that when that happens you have to let go of the drowning person or they will take you down with them. To my mind, this is where you are. Drowning because you are hanging on to a corpse. Let it go, create your new normal, acknowledge where you are. If the marriage is meant to be you'll have a completely new one that your WAH will have had a hand in creating.
Hugs to you, Claire, I know this is hard.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I am so appreciative that you took the time to write this thoughtful response. You are so insightful and perceptive. You've given me lots of good stuff to think about.
Working on Claire v2.0. .. she is confident, capable and strong. She surrounds herself with people who value and respect her and she doesn't waste much mental energy on those who don't.
I am so terribly sorry about your FIL. I hope your D is doing okay as it is such a blow for them. And I agree with Maybell. I say this with compassion as well...you are stuck on "why won't he?" or "how can he?" I will answer. Because he can and he doesn't want to. It doesn't make him a bad human being, although he is probably not the kind of person you want to be with unless he was willing to do the work. He does not appear to be there yet and he may never be.
Keep focusing on you. You have addressed so many things to make your life full and wonderful. Keep focusing on you and D. You are a smart, wonderful, caring lady and there are many good things in store for you.
Take care:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Wouldn't you rather he see your value and want you back because he came to that place himself?
Yes. Definitely.
Quote:
And if he is dysfunctional enough to see leaving as a viable option, would you ever trust that life could stay good enough for you to feel safe in the marriage?
Probably not. I never felt totally safe. It would take a LOT for me to trust him again... and that certainly wouldn't happen if I cajoled or guilted him into coming back. He SHOULD want me, d@mmit! I am awesome!! And if he doesn't see my value, especially after all this!? F him.
(see... when I go that route, I feel anger creeping in.)
Quote:
Sometimes I think you're wishing for him to be someone he's just not.
Yep. Yep, yeppity yep. I think I always did.
So... let go of anger and contempt, have compassion, stay strong and detached, co-parent amicably and collaboratively... Wow. That's no small feat. If I pull it off, Claire v2.0 is going to be f'ing AMAZING. And I WILL pull it off.
