My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

It always hurts so, so, so bad when he leaves. I hate it. I hate this. I hate everything about this. I can't have a PMA right now. I just can't. I had a very nice time with my 4-year-old tonight who melted my heart with "I love you Mommy! Happy Valentine's Day!" while we were at the restaurant. We had a wonderful night, actually. I wish I could focus on that right now and believe me when I say I am trying. We came home to H on the couch watching a movie. He'd already put our almost 2-year-old to bed and mumbled something under his breath to me about "getting S4 off to bed right away so he wouldn't see him leave and be upset."
Here's the thing, if you KNOW the idea of you LEAVING upsets our child, WHY are you doing this? Is whatever you're going to find outside our family structure that important to you? Am I THAT awful that you would hurt your children to get away from me. BTW, if I were to ask H this, he would say "yes!"
Back when I was struggling with PPD, I myself wanted to leave, but I knew there was something bigger than me to think about—my children. It didn't matter how I felt, or what I thought I wanted for myself or if I felt like H wasn't always the man of my dreams because they came first and if it meant working harder to be happy and going on meds and having a more positive attitude in my marriage then that's what I was going to do. That's what a parent does.
Whatever, H.
Lucky for me, I did not go down my the cheeseless tunnel of calling him after he left to tell him how upset I was. I usually get an earful that sends me into a dark hole after that. I came here instead. Sorry guys!
Happy Valentine's Day. Seriously, I'll be OK. I feel better already just being able to get this out. Thanks!