The Owl and the Pussycat

[MovinOn]

{{{{{Myrrh}}}}}}}}

The man loves you. You love him. There is hope!

You need to get to counseling. I don't know if you have been. Go for you. The situation last night begs for professional help. You can't afford not to go!!!

You said it yourself, you slid back to your old ways. Well, what do you need to do? Sweetie, you haven't failed. You know where you made a mistake. View this separation (if it occurs), as a time to grow Myrrh. Let him catch up later. When you feel that you are the best Myrrh, he'll decide to make the changes he needs to .

Hugs,
Pattie

[dazedboy]

There is a great deal of love and support for you out here because we see who you really are. A setback like last night is just that, a setback with a huge need to refocus what is going on.

Hubby would not have written such a passionate letter to you if there weren't still deep feelings there. You MUST allow him time to come to grips with what happened last night. He is scared sh!tless by the physical actions he made toward you.

From the post, it appears you may have started the physical contact. But either way, SET AN APPOINTMENT NOW TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS!! This is said as forcefully as I can come across.

You need to distance yourself mentally if not physically from hubby right now. But you also must reassure him that you understand his confusion, and desire to step out of the marriage.

Understand this: I don't think anyone who reads that letter believes that he means he really wants out.

As I say to all the newbies, time to relax, breathe and take some time for YOU. With everyone's help out here, we can nurture this relationship back together. You have to decide if you want that. But not today. I want you to get out and do some things for yourself today and not hang around the house.

Dustin is going to do what he thinks is right for him right now. He needs the space as much as you do. Allow him to go into his cave to regroup. This is not a bad thing. He'll come back out when he has understood what brought this about.

You are a very passionate, emotional, outspoken lady. The good side of this is that you get everything out in the open. For some of us, we mull over things before showing the emotions, and especially if they are scary to us we retreat. This is what hubby is doing now.

I am really hurting right now, and I really feel like I've failed all of you, as well as myself, my son, my husband. and my marriage.

How, special lady, can you fail us. We have asked nothing of you except a willingness to improve, and you have given us all of that plus that buoyant energy to lift us at times.

Please post back soon, and let us know what you are going to do for you today. No pulling the covers over your head!! That's an order ocean dweller!!

[Lyrael]

Hi, guys - I can't believe you all really think there is hope...I just can't see it right now.

Here is what I am doing today. I am packing up some clothes, and heading to my parents' house for a few days. I see him filing this week - and I don't see him wanting to do counseling. But...I will get counseling for myself (btw, Dazed, I DID start the physical contact - he was really just defending himself).

I know he really loves me...but I don't see him coming out of his cave any time soon - as far as I know he plans to live at the shop. Although, with me not here, that would be kind of silly, I think. I just don't think he wants me in his life right now.

Wow, I am hurting too much today to do much of anything definitive. I am going to my parents to clear my head, to not be alone in this house, and to hopefully be better able to give Dustin the space he needs. It would be an incredible miracle if he didn't file. I just can't see it right now.

But I am going to keep on keeping on. I spoke to him at about 4am last night - I shouldn't have called him, but I was worried about him doing something dumb. He was fine, and said he just needed some time before he and I could talk -I would guess that means about the D. Keep in mind that the letter was written before the physical confrontation, so it may not mean as much now.

I left a message on his answering machine that Rhane and I were leaving today, and what the number was. I am going to do my best to not contact him again unless he initiates. If this is going to happen, it is going to have to be all on his initiative - I am done pushing either way.

I don't know what to do about the legal end of things right now. I am a little worried about support and the like, but I am hoping things will become somewhat clearer over the next week or so. I told him I would be moving my things into my parents' storage unit for now, until I figured out where to live.

I still can't believe you guys think there is still hope for this broken, painful marriage. I think he is done. But I guess only time will tell, and I will get through this as best as I can.
Hugs and thank you,
Myrrh

[MovinOn]

Myrrh,

Yes dear, there is still hope. Strong feelings like those he expressed don't just disappear. I don't care when the letter was written.

You have a good plan. Go to your parents for a few days. You need to let him in his cave. Dn't worry about him going to counseling, you go.

Pattie

[dazedboy]

There is still hope because of how far you've come. I am glad to see you going to your parent's house.

Please, again be sure Dustin knows you aren't abandoning him. It has to be said just once. He'll have his time, you'll get some time. But, you know insecurities make the mind wander is strange places. If he knows you're truly sorry and this was a hiccup type of event, you'll make his time away easier. That comfort zone thing we talk about.

All the best....

[Lyrael]

Hey, guys - nother tiny update...
he and I talked again, and I asked if he had any doubts, and he said that if he had, they were gone after what happened last night...he said he didn't want things to escalate any more, and didn't want to be digging a bullet out of his leg someday (I really don't think I am quite that out-of-control). Anyway. I have until we file the bankruptcy - that's about three weeks away. He expressed again how generally unhappy he was, but he was unhappy when we were apart as well - I don't think the unhappiness is me.

He said "I wish I could forget some things."
I said "What do you mean?"
He replied " Well, about a second after I left you, I missed you, but then I remembered that you attacked me."
I said "I missed you, too" Then I asked (sorry, my DB hat is ripped to shreds right now) "Do you think someday, maybe, if we met up again...?"
And he said, "Probably"

I have three weeks. I don't know if it will honestly make much difference. I will actively help with the bankruptcy, but I won't file for the divorce. That's his job, not mine. I am going to get my rear in some counseling.

Hugs,
Myrrh

[Underdog]

(((((Myrrh)))))

I am so sorry to read your posts since last night.

I agree with Pattie and Dazed, though, and don't feel that anything here is hopeless.

Go to your parents for a few days. And yes, I agree with Dazed that you should tell Dustin--he is the father of your S with you, and should know where you guys are.

Think about the things that you want to address in IC. Make a list of them so you don't forget. And then get into C as fast as your legs can carry you.

Myrrh, please don't make ASSumptions that Dustin isn't willing to work on things. He probably doesn't solve problems the way you do, but he appears to love you deeply. That sort of love implies that if both parties commit to working on things--agreeing on the destination, not necessarily the path--you can do just about anything.

If Mr. W. told me he loved me in any fashion: billboard, letter, words, smoke signal, that would be the end of my fears of his indifference.

Use this knowledge to guide you. Even if Dustin can't live like this any longer, you're going to feel better about yourself in the long run. And you deserve that, dear friend.

I'll check back later.

Big hugs,

Bets

[Meredith]

Myrrh,

Oh sweetie! I could have cried when I read your posts…

I will throw myself (tragically, yet with flare) into the pile of people who see hope in this marriage.

Myrrh, let me tell you how little hope I see in my own. Barely any. Like, may as well sign the papers and end the misery. BUT…Betsey and Pam stop me from doing that because THEY see the hope. And, since I trust them, I keep on.

Now…you don’t want false hope. I understand that. What in the hell is false hope? I don’t think I would want that either. Good news, you’ll never have it. Why? It does not exist. False hope is an oxymoron. If you think the hope is false, it isn’t hope. It is you hoping for hope. Don’t hope for hope. If you yourself hope for it, then you yourself can go get it. There isn’t failure here; there is only a different ending to a wonderful story of strength.

Yes, I did have a point to this post and it was not to 2x4 you…but forgive me, my brain is fried and I haven’t been in the posting mode for a long time.

Here is what I see…the helicopter pilot. You are walking the path, and this path is new. You wore the wrong kind of shoes for this walk (maybe you never expected to get lost in a weird forest with a helicopter over your head…can’t say I blame ya), so you aren’t real comfortable with your journey. From time to time, you jump off the hard packed path onto the grass and walk on that for a while…then realize that it isn’t the path and hop back on. Cycle continues. You know what will get you to your destination, it is the path. You also know what is more comfortable on your feet, and it is not the path. What a dilemma.

At my brother-in-law’s funeral last week, during the eulogy actually, his brother looked at my sister and said:

“Melanie, I am so sorry for your loss. If I could offer you any advice it would be not to focus on the pain that you feel right now but instead focus on making the outcome of this tragedy something positive for your future. Eventually the pain will leave the present and become your past, so please don’t concentrate too hard on something that has to pass”.

I thought that those were very well spoken and honest words. He’s saying, try to ignore the pain your feet are feeling from this wretched path because the place the path leads you to is worth it. I’m writing this to both you AND me right now…so please don’t feel judged.

Myrrh, I know it hurts, and I know it is hard, and I know that hope is very well disguised right now. But…from what you post I know that you love your husband and your husband loves you. 180 the hell out of him and yourself. Get to counseling, for yourself. And trust yourself to do this.

I’ll tell you honestly, I haven’t focused one bit on DBing this past week. I have had my focus on what I considered more important than the schmuck who took a family leave a year ago and is happily (HAPPILY, mind you) living an hour away from his wife and child. But, as soon as I dropped my DB rope I automatically picked up the old one that I used to carry around. Not a good scenario for anyone involved…

Life does not have an undo button. But, you’re young! You’ve got time! You’ve got strength! You’ve got the tools you need!

You can 2x4 me back if you wish…but I really don’t think you can give up this fight yet. You still feel too much. You’re not ready. Go get ‘em, Tiger…

[sage]

Gosh -- I'm so sorry for what's been going on for you. To me there IS hope...and I think that the gut-wrenching, soul-baring stuff that you and h are doing..while painful...is a step to get towards what is really, well, real.

I cannot remember the details of what brought you to this board in the first place but if I'm reading into your posts accurately -- anger and physical interactions and knock-down fighting has much to do with it. I'm sure it may not seem so today but those habits (and please don't think I'm trivializing them, I'm not) can truly be unlearned.

Can you refocus and redouble your efforts on THAT?

Sage

[Lyrael]

Betsey and Meredith-

Honestly, I think you guys are insane to think that there is anything left of my M to save...but I am going to trust you guys, and not file. That's it - I am going to do a whole bunch of nots in regard to Dustin (might as well keep referring to him by name, since I keep forgetting to call him H). I am not going to call him, I am not going to try and see him, I am not going to snoop into his stuff.

I am going to get counseling, if I have to drive two hours to find an affordable one. I need help with my anger and hurt...if it weren't for the anger I can't control, my husband and I would be looking forward to another family Sunday tomorrow. Instead I am posting from my parent's house, crying my eyes out.

I am exhausted. I couldn't sleep last night. My neck hurts. My wrist hurts. My heart hurts because I went after my husband like 5'10" of rabid dog, and at least he had the decency not to lay me out like he probably should have.

To be honest, my plan is to call our local organization on domestic violence and see if they make referrals for abusers who are woman - you know what, I have seriously abused my husband. Verbally and emotionally pretty consistently, and physically a couple of times. It fills me with such shame to admit that, and to admit that I, myself, have ruined this by my inability to control my emotions. I don't think Dustin would ever want me back (maybe in ten years, but that's a hell of a long time), and I can't say that I blame him. Damn, I just wish this was over most of the time.

But something (specifically a something named TripleJ) is telling me not to do anything right now, to just wait and see, even if it nearly kills me. (He didn't add the "even if it nearly kills me part) I think you guys are insane. I think that as soon as our bankruptcy is filed for, (Dustin wanted to wait to file for the big D until after we did that, because supposedly debt can come back on the other person even if they divorce?) I think he will run, not walk, to the courthouse with the D papers in his hand. But I won't do it.

I have never been able to master the 180 I need to - specifically STOPPING CONTACT with Dustin and letting him be the initiator. I have to do this, and it is going to be excruciatingly painful. The plan for Rhane's visitation is that he will pick him up from daycare and keep him overnight, then drop him off there in the morning, so I won't be seeing him at all. I really think I may not see him until the bankruptcy appt.

I still think you guys are nuts. I personally owe you all a beer if Dustin hasn't filed for the big D by May 1st. And that's with me DBing my a$$ off by not contacting him.
But I promise not to file, at least not yet.
Hugs,
Myrrh