Hey 2B. Thank you. You are amazing and doing so well.
Matt- Thank you. I always love your posts. You always keep it real for me and give me solid perspective- especially from a guy.
LT & Live- Whew! What a night! Thanks for the support. I really needed it tonight. It has been a long day. Hope you both had a great evening!
uR- Thank you for your amazing words. I am hearing them. I really am. I know it seems like I am not getting anywhere. Maybe I'm not. I just don't know. I literally feel differently every 10 minutes.
I have honestly been questioning for many months now if I am not in my own MLC or something. But, I am pretty sure that I am battling depression. It's actually weird to type that. I am not a depressive person. At all. Never dealt with it, personally. But, I have read enough over the past year to see some red flags in myself. It is actually painful to try to be around fun stuff. For example, tonight, I went to my parents with my kids. My family is always joking around. Always. That is so my "normal" personality. But it was causing me physical pain to be around. And, they put on a funny movie, and I feel numb and terrible. Anyway.. there are other things.
It's actually embarrassing to admit that. It is just so out of character for me. It's not me at all. But, I just seemed to have sunk to the terrible state, which I just can't seem to get out of.
Anyway, xh did come by with the tax stuff. We got along well and it was nice. We discussed things and worked together. I gave him my info that I had for the business and he put it together on a spreadsheet for me and emailed it. When i got home tonight, he had returned my information I had given him. He was gone. With her for the night again. Which, I expected.
And, in a way, I guess it is good for me. Bc it is just something that I have to accept. He seems like he is very comfortable with his decision. I think that's what is confusing to me lately. It was only a few days ago when he said he doesn't know what he is doing. He has feelings for both of us. But now seems like he is sure he wants to be with her and very confident about it. We really didn't discuss it, but kind of told me in a way that I understood.
It was nice to be cordial enough to figure out the taxes. I don't want to fight or have anger. Am I fighting myself though? I don't think I want to accept them. What I think I mean is, I want to accept them, for what they are. But, I just don't think I can be in his life at all with them together. Does that make sense? It probably sounds selfish. Counterproductive? But, together, they cause mass destruction. They were totally inconsiderate about my family, my kids, me. The callous attitude towards our family leaves something to be desired, and I just cannot accept that. I can accept what is. But that is just so much. I don't want anger though. I want nothing. Indifference, I suppose.
