Learn to Fly

[LiveNow]

Hey Mighty - Ah the cycling - lots of fun isn't it? I'm in a different mood every ten minutes! Crazy-making, but normal I think. My H's OW is 17 yrs younger than he is, someone who just loves to take pictures of herself and post them online. Oh, and she has, like, 679 'friends' (no exaggeration). Huh. If THAT is what he really wants, I figure HAVE AT IT, man. I know, without a doubt, I am the better choice. If I could be her, or me, I'd choose me no matter what. That's something that keeps me going. So maybe he thinks she is the better choice for him. Well that's fine. I'd so much rather be with someone who really wants to be with me. Nothing I can do about 'his choice.'

Mighty, you will get past this. I'm pretty sure much of this that's happening right now is because of your lack of real closure, AND because he is so often right next door. Not sure how you even deal with that! Get busy doing stuff you really like to do. I know it feels 'fake' sometimes, and you don't even really want to do it, but at some point you will be surprised and start having fun - and forgetting about what a psycho he's being. Seeing some of the 'real him' come back a couple of months ago - I've seen that too, and that's why it's so hard to tell yourself that that guy is gone forever. You want to believe he's not, he's just temporarily in la-la land. Well, no guarantees he'll every come back from there -- but then again he might. So somehow you have to do something with yourself in the meantime. Good call on the vacation -- stuff like that. Be so busy you don't have time to think about his mess. You never know where that might take you. Hugs and prayers. Oh, and today is a tough day for all of us -- Valentines Schmalentines. It's just another day. (I made a whole bunch of cupcakes for my girlfriends' get-together tonight!). Hang in there...

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Mighty,

We are all dealing with this crazy cycling. Each time they poke their noses out we get our hopes up. I think we are as bad at creating our own stress as our ex spouses are. I have to constantly remind myself not to read too much into it. Today I am a bit down again and question whether I want this person at all in my life. My counselor recently told me that when there are kids you will never really be divorced. I think about this and then ask myself, do I really want that? Do I want to interact with this person when they reach out only to have them pull back again? I have to kick myself back into action and keep working on myself. I have to remind myself to work on the boundaries. To not let her dictate my life and feelings by her actions. I hope you will not allow him to define your life.

[uRworthy]

Mighty, first of all, I want to tell you this. I want you to know it will not always feel like this. You will feel strong again, whole again, happy again.

My xh had an affair. He lived with me through most of it. Every weekend I watched him get all dressed up, in a frenzy to get out of the house. I will not tell you it didn’t hurt to my core because it did. He lived in my home for almost two years post bomb.

I couldn’t get the letting go or detaching thing for a long time. Especially because he was right in front of me everyday. What I learned is that I had to accept what was happening. I didn’t have to like it. I didn’t even have to understand it. I just had to accept it. If you fight against it, if you wish it wasn’t happening, you stay stuck. You cannot move forward holding onto all of that. That is just wasted energy. Energy better spent on you.

Secondly, I want to address him and her. He knows something is wrong, but, he still cant figure out how to get help. But, that is not your problem. I will tell you this. Life is not all rainbows for them. Trust me on that. It's best not to let your mind go to places of which you cannot know for sure. And who cares what is happening or not happening for him?

As far as she is concerned, I will tell you what I knew. I knew that my xh’s ow was very smart, well educated, successful and married. I remember thinking ok, but what does she have that I didn’t? Then I realized, she didn’t have anything that I lacked. But I had many things she lacked. She didn’t have my character, my heart, my compassion and integrity. She did not have my morals, my dignity, my strength. She did not even have him, not in any real sense. She has a shell of a man, a broken one, who was lost in crisis. She was a band aid.

So, I made a decision not to give her any headspace. She wasn’t worthy of it. Their relationship was a house of cards, built of lies and deceit. There was no substance. It was two broken people looking for a raft in the middle of a hurricane. You cannot have a relationship sustain where its foundation is the breaking up of a marriage.

There is nothing lacking in you, Mighty. But there are huge things lacking in both of them. I understand you not being able to get your mind around this. To see someone you have loved, have lived with, have shared a life and a history with become someone so foreign, is so hard to understand. I know we are programmed to try to figure stuff out. But sometimes in life, it just isnt possible unless it is happening to you. You can sympathize with someone who has cancer, but, cant possibly know what it feels like to have it. You can ache for someone who has lost a child, but, cannot feel the depth of their pain unless you have, too.

You cant understand this because you are not in crisis. But know this, though this feels very personal, it has little to do with you. That’s the truth of it. You could have been perfect and he would have still had a crisis. He was destined to have one. And no one is powerful enough to stop it.

The way through this is to let go. Let go of wanting to know why. Let go of him and her. It is a mindset. An amazing thing happens when you finally do let go. You feel lighter. You are no longer bound by their actions or their words. You are no longer tied to their emotions. And so, you are free to find your path, your voice, your strengths. So, I wanted you to know I feel your fear, your questioning of the process, your anxiety, your sadness. I feel it because I've felt it to my very core. But what letting go really means is that you honor you, and trust in you, have faith in you. So much so that you are willing to do the work, find your way, become who you were meant to be. And that maybe, you will find your way back to each other. And if you don’t, you will be ok.

Here’s the thing. I knew that anger was holding me back. I was angry at him, at the ow, at MLC. And that was ok, for a time. It propelled me forward. But I realized that remaining angry at him or her was not going to change anything. But it was changing me. And I was no longer willing to sacrifice myself. The Ow didnt care if I was angry, neither did my h. So, what was the point of continuing to hold onto that? That gave them power they didn’t deserve. I also thought, what if, God forbid, he had passed away? I would have been devastated, yes, but, eventually, I would have picked myself up and lived my life.

So, I knew it was the feelings of rejection and betrayal that were the real rocks around my neck. I thought a few things. One, that he was in crisis. And two, that those feelings werent serving me well.

I was wearing them like a shield. Using them to stop what was needed to get in and that is acceptance. They clearly are not the people they once were. They are in pain, too. Feeling out of control, deeply unhappy. They don’t know why. They just want the hurting to stop. So they try everything they can, yet it is still there. They become someone opposite of who they are. It is still there. They lash out, alienate their children, act out, regress. And still the deep sadness continues.

They feel as if they are swimming in a lake of mud with 100 pounds on their backs. Trying to get out, flailing about, unable to reach the shore. Yet throwing them a rope isn’t the answer. That just makes them flail some more. The best chance they have to come out is if they figure it out themselves.

Let him go, M and leave him to his path. And you create a new one for you.

[Mighty]

Wonka- I will explain why this has been difficult for me.

First, we built a life together for 20 years- since kids. We worked together and did everything together. We had just put additions on our house, which were incomplete, book a big family vacation, were talking about our future- and I was hit with a bomb. NEVER SAW IT COMING! Not even close. My world was ripped out under my feet. We agreed on some space- and no one else would become involved. At which point I received a phone call saying there was someone else- she was 4 months pregnant- and they bought a house. That was it. That was our conversation we were to have about our marriage after our space. But it wasn't even close to the conversation I anticipated. It was 2 minutes long. And that was that. Nothing about our marriage, 20 years, our life, kids, past, future, nothing. It was about hww and her only. Not me, not him. I got nothing from my husband after 20 years. And yes, he was still my husband, and it was like a blink right after bd. Never even given a chance to process anything.

Then, he comes back into my life and tells me, all the things I believed. He didn't know what else to do, so that's why he was with her. And he only still was bc she was pregnant. It wasn't that serious. He always thought of us. It was so difficult being in the house with her bc all he could think about was that he loved me. It was the biggest mistake of his life. That he just wants his family back and will do whatever it takes to make it happen. He knows he wants to grow old with me. Said he woud never leave me again. That he has my back. That he would always be there. He wouldn't hurt me again. Got the name of a good "Marriage" counselor. Shall I continue????

He was here all the time. He was doing things around the house. He talked about what "WE" were going to do with the house. He was asking if we would stay in it or start looking for a house together. Where should "WE" go? Started shopping for family vacations.

Those are the shoes that I saw a month ago... with him in them. That's why when all of a sudden, I noticed he was spending the night there- I wasn't expecting it.

Yeah- he is my x husband, but he has never been her husband. They have a baby together- ok, a baby from an affair that wasn't planned and was a major stressor. It wasn't this exciting happy thing for him or his family. He was my husband when he got her pregnant. AND, I have had two of his babies. So.... ????

He is entitled to his choices, but it does not make them nice or considerate. They are hurtful and damaging.

And he was being arrogant. He was being a real jerk earlier. I didn't tell him that, or "chastise" him for it. I came here and vented my frustration.

I want to detach and set him free. I can't do that without accepting that. It's a friggin process. One that has had me going in every direction. I feel that I have been yanked, tossed aside, kicked, beaten, lifted up, punched in the gut. But, I get it, it is up to me to set him free for that not to happen.

This time around it is really hard. I thought he was back. He had me convinced that he was in it. He said he had what it took to make it right and to fight for us. He was here, he was saying it. I was waiting for things to settle to start the real work. And he was gone before it could happen.

So, I am broken and alone, again. And he isn't just with ow. He has a family. He is choosing to be with them. The boy isn't even his son, but he is there.

He is missing the last couple years my kids have as kids. To start over and try again. Like we are too "damaged" as he says, so not worthy of his time, effort, love. He can give it elsewhere. It is a really hard thing to accept. All the great things we did with our kids when they were little, and now he is doing it again with someone who encouraged him to throw us away. It's a lot to take in.

My family dynamic is forever changed. No matter what.

Oh, and my brother has a d from a one night stand. My brother and the mom have never been a couple or in a r. Not even for a day. It was at a party. However, my niece knows no different. She has an amazing r with my brother. He has her 50% of the time. In fact, my d is with her right now at her mom's house. We are very close and she is a well adjusted kid.

It would have been more difficult bc if they did try to have a r bc of her, it would have never worked out. But, it would have made it messier and more difficult.

My kids are the ones who are hurt and continue to be hurt. Do I think it will work out between xh and hww? ???????????? But, I don't think that the baby is a reason to try right now with the disaster there is. She is the driving force? She is the only one who has no idea what is going on. She is the one who could adjust to a more adjusted situation. What's happening now is very unhealthy. For every kid involved.

And if I am a clown bc I am struggling... well... I just don't know. I guess I'm a clown.

[Mighty]

Hey 2B. Thank you. You are amazing and doing so well.

Matt- Thank you. I always love your posts. You always keep it real for me and give me solid perspective- especially from a guy.

LT & Live- Whew! What a night! Thanks for the support. I really needed it tonight. It has been a long day. Hope you both had a great evening!

uR- Thank you for your amazing words. I am hearing them. I really am. I know it seems like I am not getting anywhere. Maybe I'm not. I just don't know. I literally feel differently every 10 minutes.

I have honestly been questioning for many months now if I am not in my own MLC or something. But, I am pretty sure that I am battling depression. It's actually weird to type that. I am not a depressive person. At all. Never dealt with it, personally. But, I have read enough over the past year to see some red flags in myself. It is actually painful to try to be around fun stuff. For example, tonight, I went to my parents with my kids. My family is always joking around. Always. That is so my "normal" personality. But it was causing me physical pain to be around. And, they put on a funny movie, and I feel numb and terrible. Anyway.. there are other things.

It's actually embarrassing to admit that. It is just so out of character for me. It's not me at all. But, I just seemed to have sunk to the terrible state, which I just can't seem to get out of.

Anyway, xh did come by with the tax stuff. We got along well and it was nice. We discussed things and worked together. I gave him my info that I had for the business and he put it together on a spreadsheet for me and emailed it. When i got home tonight, he had returned my information I had given him. He was gone. With her for the night again. Which, I expected.

And, in a way, I guess it is good for me. Bc it is just something that I have to accept. He seems like he is very comfortable with his decision. I think that's what is confusing to me lately. It was only a few days ago when he said he doesn't know what he is doing. He has feelings for both of us. But now seems like he is sure he wants to be with her and very confident about it. We really didn't discuss it, but kind of told me in a way that I understood.

It was nice to be cordial enough to figure out the taxes. I don't want to fight or have anger. Am I fighting myself though? I don't think I want to accept them. What I think I mean is, I want to accept them, for what they are. But, I just don't think I can be in his life at all with them together. Does that make sense? It probably sounds selfish. Counterproductive? But, together, they cause mass destruction. They were totally inconsiderate about my family, my kids, me. The callous attitude towards our family leaves something to be desired, and I just cannot accept that. I can accept what is. But that is just so much. I don't want anger though. I want nothing. Indifference, I suppose.

OK, I'm exhausted.

[2BHappy]

Mighty
Good job on taking care of business with your XH without the emotions,,it does feel better for LBS to deal with the MLC without the emotions,,,it is not easy but it helps if you can manage it.

Pay attention to your own mooods, I learn the hard way that I thought I was handling things,,,but was in some ways taking my negative emotions out on my s14, that was a big wake up call.

If you think it could be depression, get some help, some meds, talk to a IC whatever you need to not slide down that slippery slope.

Fake it till you make it.

Please PLEASE do something that will make you smile make you happy, big or small.

And I dont know how or if this is right to tell you,,,but
Next time you are out and about and see a handsome man, give me a long stare and a big smile...you need to feel alive as a woman.

Look in the mirror and tell yourself I LOVE ME, dress up for yourself, buy yourself something big or small.

GAL

[kml]

Some of this is PTSD. The shock of it all, the repeated pulling the rug out from under you. It leaves you feeling as if the world has turned upside down and you no longer feel like you can trust your perceptions.

[uRworthy]

Mighty, I totally understand what you are feeling. I get it. I really do. You believed his words because you wanted to so badly.

I understand the feelings you are having. They are valid. They are real. You feel how you do.

The only thing you have control over is what you do with them.

You were blindsided again. Thats a hard thing. He wasnt done yet, sweetie.

The thing is that what you need to try to control is your thought patterns. You want to understand why and that isnt possible because you arent in crisis.

He said what he did because he was scared and confused. He panicked over the new baby being his. He panicked over what your son was going through. And for a brief few moments, he wanted security. He thought that was going to make him feel better. It didnt because he is still broken.

You are going round and round trying to see why he picked her. No one knows why he made this choice now, mostly he doesnt. I am sure the new baby had a lot to do with it.

The truth is that it doesnt matter. It really doesnt. It has to do with him.

What you need to do is accept that he is still in the tunnel. As long as he is, there is no rhyme or reason to his actions. There just isnt.

So letting go of wanting things to be different is important. They cant be right now.

He chose what he did. It [censored] how he did it. You cant undo it or understand it.

No amount of worrying about it, trying to figure it out, or going round and round is going to change what is.

You need to dig deep and find your footing.

Get angry if you need to as long as you dont live there.

You can so this, M.

[Mighty]

You are right, uR. I am processing that. I think today helped for some odd reason. Being ok around him, knowing he was going to head straight there after.

I don't know. I have to accept it. What choice do I have? I have been thinking tonight about a life without him. I think I will be ok.

I just have to let go. It makes me sad. But he was able to do it with me, so what the hell am I actually hanging on to? Seriously? It's over. I'm only hurting myself by trying to convince myself otherwise.

I know by letting go, I will set myself free for any possibility in my future. I know it's not what I thought it was going to be, so it is time to figure out what it will be.

Whew. Deep breath and letting go.

[Mighty]

Oh, and Ellie, I think you are onto something there.

And 2b- you gave me a little boost. I am about to go out there & work it! Smile and own it.