Wonka- I will explain why this has been difficult for me.
First, we built a life together for 20 years- since kids. We worked together and did everything together. We had just put additions on our house, which were incomplete, book a big family vacation, were talking about our future- and I was hit with a bomb. NEVER SAW IT COMING! Not even close. My world was ripped out under my feet. We agreed on some space- and no one else would become involved. At which point I received a phone call saying there was someone else- she was 4 months pregnant- and they bought a house. That was it. That was our conversation we were to have about our marriage after our space. But it wasn't even close to the conversation I anticipated. It was 2 minutes long. And that was that. Nothing about our marriage, 20 years, our life, kids, past, future, nothing. It was about hww and her only. Not me, not him. I got nothing from my husband after 20 years. And yes, he was still my husband, and it was like a blink right after bd. Never even given a chance to process anything.
Then, he comes back into my life and tells me, all the things I believed. He didn't know what else to do, so that's why he was with her. And he only still was bc she was pregnant. It wasn't that serious. He always thought of us. It was so difficult being in the house with her bc all he could think about was that he loved me. It was the biggest mistake of his life. That he just wants his family back and will do whatever it takes to make it happen. He knows he wants to grow old with me. Said he woud never leave me again. That he has my back. That he would always be there. He wouldn't hurt me again. Got the name of a good "Marriage" counselor. Shall I continue????
He was here all the time. He was doing things around the house. He talked about what "WE" were going to do with the house. He was asking if we would stay in it or start looking for a house together. Where should "WE" go? Started shopping for family vacations.
Those are the shoes that I saw a month ago... with him in them. That's why when all of a sudden, I noticed he was spending the night there- I wasn't expecting it.
Yeah- he is my x husband, but he has never been her husband. They have a baby together- ok, a baby from an affair that wasn't planned and was a major stressor. It wasn't this exciting happy thing for him or his family. He was my husband when he got her pregnant. AND, I have had two of his babies. So.... ????
He is entitled to his choices, but it does not make them nice or considerate. They are hurtful and damaging.
And he was being arrogant. He was being a real jerk earlier. I didn't tell him that, or "chastise" him for it. I came here and vented my frustration.
I want to detach and set him free. I can't do that without accepting that. It's a friggin process. One that has had me going in every direction. I feel that I have been yanked, tossed aside, kicked, beaten, lifted up, punched in the gut. But, I get it, it is up to me to set him free for that not to happen.
This time around it is really hard. I thought he was back. He had me convinced that he was in it. He said he had what it took to make it right and to fight for us. He was here, he was saying it. I was waiting for things to settle to start the real work. And he was gone before it could happen.
So, I am broken and alone, again. And he isn't just with ow. He has a family. He is choosing to be with them. The boy isn't even his son, but he is there.
He is missing the last couple years my kids have as kids. To start over and try again. Like we are too "damaged" as he says, so not worthy of his time, effort, love. He can give it elsewhere. It is a really hard thing to accept. All the great things we did with our kids when they were little, and now he is doing it again with someone who encouraged him to throw us away. It's a lot to take in.
My family dynamic is forever changed. No matter what.
Oh, and my brother has a d from a one night stand. My brother and the mom have never been a couple or in a r. Not even for a day. It was at a party. However, my niece knows no different. She has an amazing r with my brother. He has her 50% of the time. In fact, my d is with her right now at her mom's house. We are very close and she is a well adjusted kid.
It would have been more difficult bc if they did try to have a r bc of her, it would have never worked out. But, it would have made it messier and more difficult.
My kids are the ones who are hurt and continue to be hurt. Do I think it will work out between xh and hww? ???????????? But, I don't think that the baby is a reason to try right now with the disaster there is. She is the driving force? She is the only one who has no idea what is going on. She is the one who could adjust to a more adjusted situation. What's happening now is very unhealthy. For every kid involved.
And if I am a clown bc I am struggling... well... I just don't know. I guess I'm a clown.
