The Owl and the Pussycat

[Lyrael]

Hi, all.
Wow it hurt to wake up alone this morning in our huge king-size bed. I am doing my best to accept all this, and to stomp down my DB instincts - I don't want to make this hurt more by giving myself false hopes, because I truly don't believe my H will be coming back ever.

It hurt when my son came into the bedroom this morning and said "Daddy ni-night?" and looked for him on his side of the bed. Then he asked "Daddy go work?" and I said "yes, daddy went to work." He seemed okay with that, and seems okay now, but it kills me because he is old enough now to realize his daddy isn't here, and I am old enough to realize his daddy won't be here when he wakes up ever again.

And I guess that's okay. I wanted to post a letter Dustin started to me and told me about on the phone last night:
Myrrh-
I love you, it's hard to say anything else right now. You're my best friend, my lover, and my wife. I just know you need more than I have it in me to give. You deserve someone who isn't afraid to be honest with you. You deserve to be happy. I can't bear the thought of you with someone else, I fear that you'd be neglected or abused. You are so much fun, and such a great mom. You just deserve so much more than I am giving you.
I don't think you'll ever feel safe with me, and I don't know if I will ever be able to open up to you. I can't talk to you. I can't deal with you when you get emotional. I realize that I may be giving up the most valuable thing I'll ever have in you, but I just don't know that it's right for us to be in this mess. It doesn't feel like it should. I don't want S to suffer from our fighting. I don't want a divorce, but I don't want this either. It's like someone telling you they are going to hurt you, you just have the choice of face or gut...neither sounds good.


That's where the letter ends. It isn't even signed. He wrote it laying beside me the night before last, right before he came and snuggled up to me and we ML. God, this hurts so much more even then the first time, because I guess then I had some hope - this just feels like a huge death.

And I have to go through all that pain again. He didn't take any clothing or anything with him - not even a fresh pair of underwear, so he will undoubtedly be bringing one of his buddies over to help him pack up his stuff and take it back to the shop.

I really screwed this up, guys. He came home, and I just gradually fell apart into all of my more of the same behaviors. And honestly, I don't knwo that there would ever coem a point when I was peacefullyy able to live with him - both because of my issues and because of his, and while I am willing to do work on myself, he just is not.

I really do love him, and am in love with him, but I just can't deal with the pain anymore. Part of me wants to go dark and wait and see what happens...when he files and so forth, and part of me just wants to redo those papers that I destroyed and end it myself. I am really hurting right now, and I really feel like I've failed all of you, as well as myself, my son, my husband. and my marriage. I wish I didn't miss him. I wish I really knew for sure that never being close to him again, never holding him again, never kissing him again was the right and best thing to do. But I don't. I only know that it hurts so badly right now I can barely see. I wish I could see this as a setback - I honestly do. But I have never heard of a WAS leaving, then agreeing to work on the marriage, then leaving again and it ending up as anything other than divorce.
If anyone sees any hope here, I would be glad to entertain it, but I really don't think I will ever be with my STBXH again (wow, I hate that acronym).
This really sucks right now.
Myrrh