PIB - Was it hard in the beginning? Sometimes things are absolutely wonderful with him, but sometimes we hit major snags...has it been easy for you and your H from the beginning?
Not sure which 'begining' you mean. When we first separated? It was absolute torture!
When we first started living together again?
I was soooo full of anxiety of doing/saying the wrong thing.
I was terrified that if I did one thing wrong, he'd be out the door again in a flash.
It's been 5 months, and I still get all anxious when we hit a rough patch.
But the first 4 months were like a wonderful fuzzy, warm feelings, honey-moon.
Recently, things have slowed down, but that's primarily due to stress and him working so much at his job now.
PIB- Yes, you did! Thanks - we have had rough patches already, but I think that's because of the stresses of re-establishing our routines again...we'll figure it out - I really believe that.
I completely forgot to post about the R talk we had last night. It was initiated by me, because we still hadn't discussed the infamous D papers that were hanging out on top of the PS2. I needed an answer from him - a verbal affirmation that he really wanted our marriage to be forever! I didn't get quite the emphatic response that I wanted - he admitted that sometimes he still has doubts (as do I), and we discussed some of the difficulties we have communicating - he said that whenever I throw a lot of emotion at him, his mind blanks.
He describes it to me like this: "I am listening to you and inside my brain I hear one side saying 'Say something!!!' and the other side says 'I can't think of anything to say!' " So apparently that is the story with the dead silences during some of our convos. When I throw a lot of "complaints" or problems his way, he starts to feel like there is no way he will ever be able to please me or be what I need him to be. He gets really overwhelmed with everything I throw at him, basically.
At one point in the conversation I said something like "I just want to be married to someone who is really committed to me." He was quiet for a second when I said that, and then he said "when you said that, all I heard was 'I want to be married to somebody who's not crap.' I hear that in a lot of the things you say."
WOW - he has never shared that much with me about his inner workings...it took some prodding, and some real work to keep myself under control, and we still misunderstood some things, but I would call it a successful R talk. It gave me some things to work with, at least. Regarding the D papers, he suggested I shred them and get rid of the icon on my desktop. I said I see the big D as an escape hatch sometimes (an "in case of emergency" type thing) and he said "well, then shut it!"
Then we did some snuggling and drifted off to sleep. Lemme know what you guys think! Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
He really opened up to you with his in-securities! And he told you to get rid of the Divorce Papers!
Wonderful!
Since he 'hears' that he's crap a lot...have you considered keeping a "Positives Journal"?
I have a little notebook that I write at least 3 things in daily that my husband has done that made me happy.
He told me when I had been doing this for a little while, that he used to think I was often unhappy and unsatisfied with everything he did.
Much later, when I'd been slack about my journal, he made the comment, "I guess I haven't done anything right lately, since you haven't been writing in your journal."
AWwww! Poor guy.
So, this journal thing is really helping my husband.
I think the positives journal sounds like an excellent idea! Myrrh, did he give you any way that he would receive a message coming from you that was critical in nature but not implying that he's crap?
Just thinking...
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Bets- Hmm, nope he didn't. I think (just conjecture here) that I need to flood him with the positives I see, and then if i have an issue that really needs to be addressed, to bring it up - these things need to one at a time for him, I think.
I will think more on this... Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
the positives journal is a great idea! i think you are right in giving them out slowly and when the time is appropriate. be careful not to sound condescending, my W has accused me of that sometimes.
from a purely male perspective, the only one i know unfortunately, i have a lot of issues feeling unappreciated for things i do, especially things i do for her or for us that she may not have recognized before. i think this really goes back to 5LLs as we were chatting about before. i think if my W read the book, she would understand a lot of the ways i was trying to show love for her, and after i read the book i understood a lot of the ways she was trying to show love for me. i really think it is often misinterpetaion and miscommunication, as is a lot of things.
his i feel like crap comment is often how i would feel when she would talk about her feelings. often i felt she was complaining that i wasn't good enough or i wasn't doing enough or i wasn't a good provider or whatever. a lot of this has to do with my own insecurities.
again with communication, i would like to believe if there was the proper preface before these statements and in the proper context (depending on how he likes to communicate, i will use me as an example). if she were to ask Seattle, do you have time right now to talk? i would then recognize it is somtihing important. Seattle, i want to say somthing that i don't want you to take offense to, it is not a criticism of you but simply how i feel right now. i would like your opinion and input on how to best address these feelings i have. this might be too formal for him, but it is how i would communicate. speak his language. just some thoughts.
Hi, guys - This is a hard post for me to wright, but I felt like you all deserved to know the ending of my story.
H and I are really getting a divorce. I talked to him on the phone tonight, he told me he was really unhappy, and that he was moving back out again. Then he came over to drop off money and we had a really ugly fight that turned very physical. We are both physically okay, and our son slept through it, but obviously if our marriage still can dip into that there is no point in trying anymore.
For the sake of our son and myself, I can't be married to him anymore. We just aren't right for each other. I plan to keep on working on myself - I guess I will be making the move over to the "big D" forum sometime soon, although I am still going to let him file the paperwork. I have no doubt that it will be done this time. There is no DBing through this anymore...it is very much done. Congratulations to all of you who are genuine success stories, and to those who aren't - don't be discouraged by my sitch. A lot of people manage to turn things around for their Ms. I guess I and my husband just really aren't meant to be together. I love him, he is my best friend, and I know that this is going to take a long time to heal, but with lots of time and support, I will get through this, and do the work on myself so that the next time I am in a position for an M, it will be a long, happy, and peaceful one. I love you all. Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Hi, all. Wow it hurt to wake up alone this morning in our huge king-size bed. I am doing my best to accept all this, and to stomp down my DB instincts - I don't want to make this hurt more by giving myself false hopes, because I truly don't believe my H will be coming back ever.
It hurt when my son came into the bedroom this morning and said "Daddy ni-night?" and looked for him on his side of the bed. Then he asked "Daddy go work?" and I said "yes, daddy went to work." He seemed okay with that, and seems okay now, but it kills me because he is old enough now to realize his daddy isn't here, and I am old enough to realize his daddy won't be here when he wakes up ever again.
And I guess that's okay. I wanted to post a letter Dustin started to me and told me about on the phone last night: Myrrh- I love you, it's hard to say anything else right now. You're my best friend, my lover, and my wife. I just know you need more than I have it in me to give. You deserve someone who isn't afraid to be honest with you. You deserve to be happy. I can't bear the thought of you with someone else, I fear that you'd be neglected or abused. You are so much fun, and such a great mom. You just deserve so much more than I am giving you. I don't think you'll ever feel safe with me, and I don't know if I will ever be able to open up to you. I can't talk to you. I can't deal with you when you get emotional. I realize that I may be giving up the most valuable thing I'll ever have in you, but I just don't know that it's right for us to be in this mess. It doesn't feel like it should. I don't want S to suffer from our fighting. I don't want a divorce, but I don't want this either. It's like someone telling you they are going to hurt you, you just have the choice of face or gut...neither sounds good.
That's where the letter ends. It isn't even signed. He wrote it laying beside me the night before last, right before he came and snuggled up to me and we ML. God, this hurts so much more even then the first time, because I guess then I had some hope - this just feels like a huge death.
And I have to go through all that pain again. He didn't take any clothing or anything with him - not even a fresh pair of underwear, so he will undoubtedly be bringing one of his buddies over to help him pack up his stuff and take it back to the shop.
I really screwed this up, guys. He came home, and I just gradually fell apart into all of my more of the same behaviors. And honestly, I don't knwo that there would ever coem a point when I was peacefullyy able to live with him - both because of my issues and because of his, and while I am willing to do work on myself, he just is not.
I really do love him, and am in love with him, but I just can't deal with the pain anymore. Part of me wants to go dark and wait and see what happens...when he files and so forth, and part of me just wants to redo those papers that I destroyed and end it myself. I am really hurting right now, and I really feel like I've failed all of you, as well as myself, my son, my husband. and my marriage. I wish I didn't miss him. I wish I really knew for sure that never being close to him again, never holding him again, never kissing him again was the right and best thing to do. But I don't. I only know that it hurts so badly right now I can barely see. I wish I could see this as a setback - I honestly do. But I have never heard of a WAS leaving, then agreeing to work on the marriage, then leaving again and it ending up as anything other than divorce. If anyone sees any hope here, I would be glad to entertain it, but I really don't think I will ever be with my STBXH again (wow, I hate that acronym). This really sucks right now. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
