Cheese Shop 2

[LoisB]

Wonka,

First off...I'm most definitely a #5 and that's even if I choose to post here daily. I'm inherently a #5 and will always be a #5. Whether I'm fired or given a standing ovation by my bosses at the end of all this. I AM A #5.

-If I, in ANY way, haven't conveyed my deep embarrassment and shame over this situation at work...believe me...I'm deeply aware of the fact that I've accepted money for a job I haven't done. I'm horrified and ashamed and full of ick over this fact. But, I'm also aware of the fact that I've had a lot of things drawing on my attention. Money being the biggest.

I came to this state and this job to reinvent myself, only to find myself--dealing with the same shame and insecurities. This was not the plan. But, I'm still here. I'm still employed, if barely...but I am still standing. And, I took every hit yesterday from that publisher who sounded a lot more like Smokey with each vent. I took it. I owned it and, then, I came here to digest the information. It was A LOT of information to digest.

I have NO ONE HERE. NO ONE. It's me and D12. That's it.

I need to speak up about a few things that keep coming up...

-My posting here. I have been posting a lot, again...yes. And, I have done it during the weekdays. I do, however, work weekends. My week, until now, has been running full bore on Sat, Sun, Mon and Tuesd with a bit of a reprieve on Weds and Thurs...The paper goes to press on Tuesday nights. And, it pi$$es me off that I am in a position that I have to defend my schedule to you guys.

AGAIN, I have no one here to vent to. I'm in a new place and I'm terrified and I'm dealing with divorce issues I've never had to deal with before. I filed for divorce less than a week before I started my new job. In hindsight, that wasn't the best choice for me. But, it is what it is. And, I don't have family support. My family is sick of this situation...as am I.

Without these boards, these past few months...I most definitely would have blown my brains out.

-I'm willing enroll D12 in school. I spoke to the super yesterday. I have D12 slowly coming on board. But, until you've raised a child with special needs and had to deal with the public school situation that we did at home...You have no idea what we went through in Ohio with D12. It was years of IEP's and 504's and some legitimate trauma that the school imposed on my daughter. That's why I'm so protective. They diminished her struggles completely and told me I was crazy. It took the Cleveland Clinic to validate my concerns...but, this was after they, literally, carried her into public school...in front of a school full of children...The vice principal carried her kicking and screaming into school and told me it was the best thing for her. I didn't know she had Asperger's. I stood by and allowed them to drag her into school in front of all these children...A child who has terrible social anxiety and I had to watch while she kicked and screamed and begged for me. That's after two years of lying to her and dragging her to counselors and begging the staff to take my concerns seriously. She would hurt herself in order to get out of school. WE spent 3-4 hours each day with D12 screaming and throwing things because of her stress and frustration over school. That's what our life was like when she was in school. So, yes, I'm apprehensive.