When to transition from LRT?

[sandi2]

Tic Tac, we have very little information about you stitch. If the contact has really ended between your W and OM, then she will no doubt go through a period comparable to an addict's withdrawal. It will be a difficult time for her, and IMO, it will not be a time for you to get too relaxed from the LRT.

Her emotions will continue to swing until she accepts the fact OM is through with her. Then she will be very depressed. A trying time for you, certainly. One thing I suggest that is very important is to not listen to her discuss her feelings for OM. To discuss it with her H seems very disrespectful, IMO, and would not help the M.

You must show her your own stability. Do not allow her depression to pull you down with her. Don't get all soft and melty man trying to console her. You need to think of yourself as the one who sets the tone in the atmosphere at home, and not your W. You can show an upbeat personality (don't over kill). Be careful that you don't act giddy or as if you think everything is honky-dory since the OM is out of the picture. Does that make sense? Your attitude or thought pattern should be "this too shall pass" and don't get overwhelmed by her depression. Don't even try to fix it for her, or get her out of it. She has to go through the withdrawal. There will be times she may need to be alone, so you and the kids enjoy each other and leave her be.

At all times, you are in charge.......not the addict. That does not mean you control her! It means she does not get to disrespect, throw fits, scream & yell, or cry on your shoulder about OM. She does not get to see you as blue as she is. This is not the time to have in depth R talks, even though she may want to.....or you may want to. She needs encouraging by seeing your inner strength, take charge abilities, calmness, stability, leadership, and honor. Show her, through your behavior, " I am going to have a better life and hope you will join me......but if not, I am still going to have a better life". She needs to see that kind of confidence in you.

The change from LRT over to a a position to reconcile should be slowly. B/c she is not convinced that a M with you is what she wants. She has to get through her "stuff" and you have to give her time. It is major that you do not smother her with your presence. You need to continue GAL.

Be patient and understanding, but don't cater to her. That will come later on. Ease into the next level by being lovingly firm. Not a jerk, not demanding, and certainly not passive. Like I said, we don't have much information about your marital history.

Some men think they need to pet their W, and assure her by constantly telling her what he wants and how he feels. This is not the time, yet. The only exception would be "if" you were in a C session and you were asked by the C to say how you felt. But to do it now, hoping it will help her get better quicker, is not the time......IMHO. Once she expresses remorse, and wants your forgiveness, then you will be able to express your desires more.

The hardest part for me was trying to get the desire to put forth some effort. I mean, when you are really depressed......it's just not there. And don't expect her to want to be affectionate or ready to ML. She might, IDK, but if she's not.....don't push or take it personal.

Oh btw, do your share of the chores around the house, but don't make the mistake of doing EVERYTHING. It kind of depends on how her depression affects her energy level.

Have the two of you agreed on a transparency plan?