W still having PA with OP

[4mendmj]

I want to print out the below and leave it on W's bed tomorrow night. Too much? I am ready to go all in... Thoughts?



Google “affair like” and see what auto-completes

‘Affair like drug addiction’ is the first thing that auto-completes… the reason? It is an addiction. A very powerful one. I even said that 6 months ago “you are addicted to OW” but I didn’t understand what it meant. You have done anything and everything to get the next fix. You have left your daughter each morning to be with OW now that you have returned to work. You have cancelled plans on us countless times with no notice. You chose to spend most of your free time with OW and not your daughter or your husband. You have walked away from your family telling yourself that D is in good hands with a great daddy so you can be with OW.

When I read about affairs from the perspective of the cheater, it talks constantly about how everything in the cheater’s life that is good is with the infidelity partner. You see OW as perfect in every way. An intellectual partner, fun, sharp, witty, joy to be around. You feel everyone around you is happy for you when you are together. You are happiest when in contact or together.

On the opposite side of the coin, is your spouse. Everything about that life, your marriage, the past and present is bad. Anything that goes wrong or has gone wrong is that person’s fault. You question how you have loved them? Why did I even think they were ever funny? How did I let myself think they were right for me? All, completely normal for a person having an affair, textbook as a matter of fact.

Then, as time continues in the affair you start to see flaws in your infidelity partner, at first you overlook them but they are there. You become antsy. You start having doubts but at the same time you are so far in, so committed. You think you can make it work. So you start conflict within yourself. But you tell yourself that you deserve it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. And the infidelity partner’s job is to feed that. They are protecting their best interest so they continue to build you up while making sure you remember all the crappy things about the spouse. They are cheating too. They tell each different person what that person needs to hear to keep all the plates spinning. You have both been doing it for over a year now. It is exhausting.

Then you hit rock bottom. You don’t sleep right because you are completely torn and question everything you do. You will lie, cheat, steal, beg, borrow, do absolutely anything to be with that person just like a drug addict would to get their next fix. Very common for the cheater to literally begin to question their own morals because they simply cannot make an honest choice, they have to lie. They must lie. But the lies simply cannot continue W. I cannot live a life where I am lied to constantly. Is integrity important to you? Because right now you are trading your integrity for a feeling that is equivalent to emotional junk food. No nourishment, no growth. Just a fleeting sensation that shortly leaves you craving more of the same.

Don’t believe me on anything included above? Ask Google. Read the first 20 articles that come up with the search “affair like drug addiction” or “how cheaters feel”.

In March when you left OW, I was soooo confused and hurt, what was the matter with you but reading about it now, I understand. You even said to me in December that if you leave her, you will need to mourn. You are right, and it is a long process. I get that now. But because you did not completely cut yourself off from her in March, the contact you got was still there so it made it easy to go back. My problem was, I did not understand any of this at the time. I didn’t get why you were so sad at the time. So quiet and withdrawn. It just pissed me off more and therefore we got nowhere. I didn’t get how far in you already were and I didn’t have the tools or support to make you feel supported. And I didn’t know how to support you let alone that it was something I needed to do. I didn’t understand the power of your affair at the time. I didn’t understand what you were going through. Now I have the tools necessary. I have IC to help me too, you have IC, there is a ton of information out there to help support myself for me and at the same time show you and give you the support and self-worth you need and deserve while you work on you and us.

My guess is, even after telling you over a month ago that you should see a lawyer, you still have not. If you ever even consulted a lawyer, it was probably OW’s brother-in-law and since you assume that 100% of what OW tells you is the truth, you probably have based your decisions about your future life on that false truth. I have met with a lawyer, as you know, and I know what will most likely happen when it comes to custody. We are talking about your future with your daughter now if we are no longer together and it scares me how blind you are right now to reality. Ask yourself honestly… have I been away from D too much in the last year? Yet what does OW tell you… You know D better than anyone in the world. You, OW, OW's H and D will all live a wonderful life together when you have D and when D is with me, you can be free to do as you please. You will get your own place and OW and OW'H will help you raise D. You will be free. But…OW lies. She has lied to anyone and everyone in her life before you two even started being lovers. You already know that, hell you know more about it than I do, you know OW lies to everyone. But you want to be the exception, not the rule. She has probably already lined up her next lover (very common in people that have multiple affairs consecutively apparently) incase this gets serious and she needs to leave you or in case you leave her. She had XXXX lined up before she left XXXXX, she had you lined up before she left XXXXX, who is next? She cannot get left alone with just OW'H in her mind. She has nothing to lose, she will not lose a marriage, a home or a child. You have so much more to lose and you are worth so much more as a person than this life you are choosing right now with OW.

I have been in an open marriage now since September and I have been cheated on for over a year. A wayward spouse literally wants to have zero relationship talk unless they come back to the marriage so I will not bother with telling you again all the “what we could be in the future” stories. Matter of fact, I did all the typical things a betrayed spouse does too. Cry, beg, try to force you two apart, interventions, on and on. I did every single thing that doesn’t help until Jan. But nothing has changed since then other than making it easier for you to continue your affair and nothing will change for us unless you leave OW completely.

This is not an ultimatum. It is not a demand. I cannot control you. I understand that now. Only you will chose to or not to leave OW. If you leave her, it will be very hard. I need to tell you though that limbo is no longer an option for me. I need to start moving forward for me and D. It is time for me to start putting me first if you will not stand by my side.

W, I love you. I still do. I want to repair our marriage, even now… but when you lie to me, I feel taken advantage of. When you ignore me almost daily yet come and go as you please, I feel like a maid or a doormat as if this is a hotel, not a home to you. I want someone that is willing to show me the respect and love I deserve. If you continue to see OW, I will need to consider all of my options including ending this relationship.