W still having PA with OP

[Ontheup]

Hey 4

I know it's a tough read but informative. You see the other side and how they are/aren't thinking about anything else.
From what I've gleamed my wife is also undecided about what to do. She continues the affair obviously but is struggling with the fact I won't be here and how d8 will be. No doubt why she is still being best friends with me as she'll want that to continue even when I leave.
From my wife's side not a single person knows. They would be distraught if they found out. They are also religious and put my wife on a pedi stool. I won't be telling them is not my place to do so. My family know and are very very shocked and upset.
Another site advocates basically dropping a nuclear bomb to stop the affair dead. Shine a big torch on it. I won't be doing this. Seems very extreme and have heard of people committing suicide when found out.

Yes get legal advice just so you know where you stand. It's awful but has to be done

[4mendmj]

Last night I tried a 180. I am the kind of person that wants to know what the plan is and if you don't tell me, I will probably ask you again until I find out what it is. Earlier this week W announced she was going to the movies with friends (including OW) Friday night. I told her I was off at 7pm and asked if she was taking D6 to my work to drop her off or if I was coming home and she was leaving right away. She said she would let me know...she never did so I never asked. 7pm comes and there is W and D in the parking lot waiting for me. I guess that answers that.

W did not get home until 2:24am this morning. I have to work today so before leaving for work, got D6 something to eat and drink and turned on cartoons at least knowing she had her basic needs met and that W was in the other room incase of emergency.

I woke up this morning and started crying. Knowing my W was out until after 2am with OW as the start of Valentine's day and that I was working today and D and I are heading to my folks place for his birthday party tonight...there will be no Valentine's day for me this year. I got a single red rose in a vase yesterday for W and put a note on it To mommy from XXXX and daddy and left it on the table to at least acknowledge the day.

One day at a time. As I have read before, I put a smile on my face, be me and then come here to vent. I haven't let W see me cry in 45 days. I have been living in a temporarily approved open marriage to "give her time" for 45 days. 45 days.

[4mendmj]

I want to print out the below and leave it on W's bed tomorrow night. Too much? I am ready to go all in... Thoughts?



Google “affair like” and see what auto-completes

‘Affair like drug addiction’ is the first thing that auto-completes… the reason? It is an addiction. A very powerful one. I even said that 6 months ago “you are addicted to OW” but I didn’t understand what it meant. You have done anything and everything to get the next fix. You have left your daughter each morning to be with OW now that you have returned to work. You have cancelled plans on us countless times with no notice. You chose to spend most of your free time with OW and not your daughter or your husband. You have walked away from your family telling yourself that D is in good hands with a great daddy so you can be with OW.

When I read about affairs from the perspective of the cheater, it talks constantly about how everything in the cheater’s life that is good is with the infidelity partner. You see OW as perfect in every way. An intellectual partner, fun, sharp, witty, joy to be around. You feel everyone around you is happy for you when you are together. You are happiest when in contact or together.

On the opposite side of the coin, is your spouse. Everything about that life, your marriage, the past and present is bad. Anything that goes wrong or has gone wrong is that person’s fault. You question how you have loved them? Why did I even think they were ever funny? How did I let myself think they were right for me? All, completely normal for a person having an affair, textbook as a matter of fact.

Then, as time continues in the affair you start to see flaws in your infidelity partner, at first you overlook them but they are there. You become antsy. You start having doubts but at the same time you are so far in, so committed. You think you can make it work. So you start conflict within yourself. But you tell yourself that you deserve it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. And the infidelity partner’s job is to feed that. They are protecting their best interest so they continue to build you up while making sure you remember all the crappy things about the spouse. They are cheating too. They tell each different person what that person needs to hear to keep all the plates spinning. You have both been doing it for over a year now. It is exhausting.

Then you hit rock bottom. You don’t sleep right because you are completely torn and question everything you do. You will lie, cheat, steal, beg, borrow, do absolutely anything to be with that person just like a drug addict would to get their next fix. Very common for the cheater to literally begin to question their own morals because they simply cannot make an honest choice, they have to lie. They must lie. But the lies simply cannot continue W. I cannot live a life where I am lied to constantly. Is integrity important to you? Because right now you are trading your integrity for a feeling that is equivalent to emotional junk food. No nourishment, no growth. Just a fleeting sensation that shortly leaves you craving more of the same.

Don’t believe me on anything included above? Ask Google. Read the first 20 articles that come up with the search “affair like drug addiction” or “how cheaters feel”.

In March when you left OW, I was soooo confused and hurt, what was the matter with you but reading about it now, I understand. You even said to me in December that if you leave her, you will need to mourn. You are right, and it is a long process. I get that now. But because you did not completely cut yourself off from her in March, the contact you got was still there so it made it easy to go back. My problem was, I did not understand any of this at the time. I didn’t get why you were so sad at the time. So quiet and withdrawn. It just pissed me off more and therefore we got nowhere. I didn’t get how far in you already were and I didn’t have the tools or support to make you feel supported. And I didn’t know how to support you let alone that it was something I needed to do. I didn’t understand the power of your affair at the time. I didn’t understand what you were going through. Now I have the tools necessary. I have IC to help me too, you have IC, there is a ton of information out there to help support myself for me and at the same time show you and give you the support and self-worth you need and deserve while you work on you and us.

My guess is, even after telling you over a month ago that you should see a lawyer, you still have not. If you ever even consulted a lawyer, it was probably OW’s brother-in-law and since you assume that 100% of what OW tells you is the truth, you probably have based your decisions about your future life on that false truth. I have met with a lawyer, as you know, and I know what will most likely happen when it comes to custody. We are talking about your future with your daughter now if we are no longer together and it scares me how blind you are right now to reality. Ask yourself honestly… have I been away from D too much in the last year? Yet what does OW tell you… You know D better than anyone in the world. You, OW, OW's H and D will all live a wonderful life together when you have D and when D is with me, you can be free to do as you please. You will get your own place and OW and OW'H will help you raise D. You will be free. But…OW lies. She has lied to anyone and everyone in her life before you two even started being lovers. You already know that, hell you know more about it than I do, you know OW lies to everyone. But you want to be the exception, not the rule. She has probably already lined up her next lover (very common in people that have multiple affairs consecutively apparently) incase this gets serious and she needs to leave you or in case you leave her. She had XXXX lined up before she left XXXXX, she had you lined up before she left XXXXX, who is next? She cannot get left alone with just OW'H in her mind. She has nothing to lose, she will not lose a marriage, a home or a child. You have so much more to lose and you are worth so much more as a person than this life you are choosing right now with OW.

I have been in an open marriage now since September and I have been cheated on for over a year. A wayward spouse literally wants to have zero relationship talk unless they come back to the marriage so I will not bother with telling you again all the “what we could be in the future” stories. Matter of fact, I did all the typical things a betrayed spouse does too. Cry, beg, try to force you two apart, interventions, on and on. I did every single thing that doesn’t help until Jan. But nothing has changed since then other than making it easier for you to continue your affair and nothing will change for us unless you leave OW completely.

This is not an ultimatum. It is not a demand. I cannot control you. I understand that now. Only you will chose to or not to leave OW. If you leave her, it will be very hard. I need to tell you though that limbo is no longer an option for me. I need to start moving forward for me and D. It is time for me to start putting me first if you will not stand by my side.

W, I love you. I still do. I want to repair our marriage, even now… but when you lie to me, I feel taken advantage of. When you ignore me almost daily yet come and go as you please, I feel like a maid or a doormat as if this is a hotel, not a home to you. I want someone that is willing to show me the respect and love I deserve. If you continue to see OW, I will need to consider all of my options including ending this relationship.

[Sotto]

Hi 4M

My advice would be to sit on this for a little while. It is V Day, and your W was out late last night, so you feel pretty raw. It's always best to let any big moves settle with you before you make them. I think you would be doing this in 'reaction' to your upset with W.

You may find that writing it out itself makes you feel somewhat better. I have had times when I drafted an email and have saved it, but never sent it to H.

If you do decide to do this, I don't think any of the 'evidence' is going to sway your W. Why? Because no amount of reasoning or evidence is going to influence a WAS who is working purely on emotion....literally drugged with that emotion.

If you do decide to do this, you may want to consider simple, short and face to face. But definitely let it all settle within yourself for a little bit before you do anything.

[Wonka]

For God's sake....

DO NOT SEND LEAVE/SEND THAT LETTER!!!!!!!

It is begging, pursuing, pleading....LECTURING too. Patronizing. Smug. Superior. Self-righteous judgmental chit.

I repeat....


DO NOT SHOW/LEAVE/SEND IT AT ALL

Step away and nobody gets hurt.

P.S. I'd burn it.

[4mendmj]

Toots and Wonka, thank you. I do not feel better for writing it but I guess I am just trying to figure out what I can say to change it...all while forgetting there is nothing I can say to change it. I hurt right now, I am trying not to give up.

[Wonka]

4me,

I can only imagine how much pain you are feeling at the moment and it's understandable with Valentine's day stuff right in your face. Holidays are especially hard on the LBS.

It seems that you're looking for a magic bullet here. DBing is a long, hard and arduous process. This is why we all say 'it's a marathon, not a sprint' around here. It took a long time for the M to get to this point and it will take as long as it did to turn it around.

Hang in there. I hope you have plans for yourself and D6 to keep you distracted.

[Ontheup]

Agree with everyone here. Do not send. the only person it will have an effect on is you when she gives you no response or a negative one thereby making you feel worse than ou do now.
You read that article I talked about yesterday where the wayward said nicing him or trying to talk him out of an affair was futile. Its wasted energy. Spend that energy on you and d6
I know it's hard.

[4mendmj]

I have always tried to use "logic" to "fight" this stupidity. I need to realize that has gotten me nowhere. It is actions but me for myself that I need to concentrate on. I have been thinking of putting my paycheck into a new bank account and tell her I recommend she do the same so she can start saving for her apartment. I read that somewhere on here as something that can be said like, "since this is going no where, get prepared" without saying exactly that as it shows you are moving forward one way or another.

D6 and I are headed to my folks place this evening to celebrate dad's birthday so thankfully will be with family this evening. W was invited but highly doubt she will join in.

She did message me this morning thanking me for the flower that D6 and I picked out for her last night. IC session on Monday for me will hopefully calm my soul some and just waking up tomorrow morning knowing it is 2/15 should help. If we reconcile, I hate how all of this last year's holidays have been shot to $%^&.

[4mendmj]

Just bloggin:

Yesterday when I got off work and got home, the W and D were upstairs making me a Valentine's day card so I was asked to stay in the basement for a few minutes so they could finish it. The card was cute and whom could pass up a homemade card from your D6. I hardly said a word to W and the same back but I was only upstairs for 2 minutes before I had D6 put on her jacket and we headed to my folks place for the evening. W was invited but chose not to come. D and I got home about 830pm and got changed, brush teeth, book and bed. I watched a single show but went to lay down in bed about 10pm and unfortunately laid awake in bed until past 1130pm. I had probably just fallen asleep when W comes home at 1204am. She of course doesn't say a word and just comes inside and heads straight to her room. Now having just fallen asleep and woke back up, I have to fight all over again to go back to sleep. D6 had a bad dream this morning so comes into our/my room around 6am but settles back down and goes back to sleep in our bed. Up this morning for breakfast and cartoons and I have to work at 10. W was not even out of bed when I left for the morning to come to work, now a 2nd day in a row.

It kills me to find out that W chose not to take D6 to D6's girlscout cookie selling activity at the local grocery store yesterday as was hoped/planned. Instead W spent the entire day with the OW and D. They all went to OW's gym apparently and OW is now having a weekly Saturday kid's workout which makes me sick to my stomach. As if it is a venus fly trap trying to suck my kid in more. OW cannot have kids...tried...so I have always been hyper-sensetive to the concept that part of what attracts my W to the OW was that they can share our D together. To think how many times my D has been exposed to OW in the last 18 months is just frightening. And since it was W's idea in the first place to sign D up for girl scouts, why is she not taking our D to this scheduled activity and instead running around with OW? Oh yah, it's a drug. She would rather just drag her kid around behind her like a junky who has to get her next fix of OW vs. do what is best for the child.

Today hurts. 100% of the time I see W, I am smiling and sometimes more conversational than others. 100% of the time I am with D, I am smiling and having fun with this prescious gift. When I am alone, it stinks.

Yesterday at 430pm was the last cigarette I have had and will see if I can keep it going. I have smoked off and on for a few years but the last six months I have smoked daily. Then I decided if I was going to love myself, I should be taking care of my body more and since cigaretts are a drug, and I hope my wife will give up her drug, I figured I better give up mine for me.

I am struggling with this GAL concept, not in principle but in application on a daily basis. I now celebrate me day each Wednesday but on a day to day basis I am missing some of the things to improve me, I am still searching. By the time I get off work this evening and get home and make supper and get D6 in bed, it will be 8pm. I can't leave, D is in bed. So...I need to work on some things around the home for me. Might paint some duck hunting decoys or something in the coming weeks, just things to do that I can do at home that I would enjoy in the evening time...for me.