Was the past 18 years just a waste?

[June315]

All my counselors/coach say that I do have this wall/ mask to protect myself. I can't take anymore disappointment so I became so pessimistic about everything. So I do see we are both broken people together. People who knew me from before are somewhat shocked that I am with someone.

I am trying to let out some emotions. I did get agitated at work yesterday. It probably stemmed from me being so sad and upset in the morning.

Well, a few weeks ago, H mentioned my wanted to go visit his daughters (8 hours away) for V-Day. He has been more depressed last week so I offered to lend him some money to go. He thought about it then accepted but at the last minute, he became mad. He lashed out at me for just asking him what was he planning to do. He said he hates taking my money and lives under my umbrella. He said I was manipulating him to stay with me. I got angry and told him I was being nice and was texting with one of his daughter and that's why I wanted him to go.

I could not stop so I was crying, carrying on, forcing him to hug me right before he left. So now he wants to move out more than ever.

I do see every action results in a reactions.