Was the past 18 years just a waste?

[June315]

You're definitely right, Cadet. I can only control me. The best way to describe me being "off" is that I feel like Dexter. Not that I'm a serial killer but I'm so dark and empty inside. I feel I have to act a certain ways and hide myself when I'm around people all the time. So I never let anyone in in the crazy little head and I never let my emotions out, except with my H. People at work never see my happy or very angry. I am good at my job, taking care of people.

I do want to fix me, at times I am trying. I went to lunch with a colleague yesterday. I had done that may be 2-3 times before in 8 1/2 years at this job. It was so unusual that even my administrator was wondering who I went out with and why.