Oh, Susana! (3)

[susana4]

Fellow DBers...please help me help a potential walkaway friend... Anyone who's been involved in an EA around? Sandi?

My friend told me tonight that she's been talking to a guy at work a LOT and the other night they kissed. She says she doesn't understand why she's obsessed with him or how to stop texting.

She's been with her BF 3 years and they live together, and the OM has a GF who he was supposed to move in with - but he's cancelled the move because of my friend. I think he is going to try to pursue her (which worries me). My friend feels awful and guilty and she's told OM she wants to cut contact but she is struggling. I told her I've heard it's like a drug and she said "oh my god, YES! how do you understand me?" (Thanks, DB!)

My friend is a great person and I can honestly say she is one of the the last people I ever thought would have an EA or PA, so I really understand better now how easy it must be to get sucked in.

She and her BF are such a great couple, and I can't picture them not together. I want to help her/them if I can.

Anyone with experience of an EA, any advice on how to quit the addiction? All I could tell her was expect withdrawal. I imagine seeing him at work daily won't help...

I also asked her what's missing from her R and suggested doing some 180s.

Should I tell her it's an EA? I didn't tonight because the timing wasn't right and I wasn't sure if it would help her or not.

[susana4]

Feeling a bit down today but I guess that's to be expected on Valentine's Day even though I'm not massively into it. Ugh.

Need to fake that PMA!!

[susana4]

Just a little vent...

I'm feeling really down today - think it's some toxic combination of Valentine's Day (I expected that though), having a drink last night (Dr told me I could have a couple but they might interact with ADs and make me drowsy), and not getting enough sleep.

I got up this morning and H was very talkative again, he asked me about roller disco and then he was telling me about his childhood (this validation and active listening thing really works!). Then he announced he was going out (this was at 11am) to meet his friend who's having a dinner party and help him with shopping and cooking. I know it's stupid to expect him to recognise V Day in any way or spend it here, but I did get annoyed that a) he didn't mention the day at all (tbh he probably doesn't even realise it's Valentine's Day) and b) I just feel sad it feels like H avoiding me because he never seems to be here any more. Or maybe it's more that when he's here, I'm out, and when I'm here, he's out.

I'm feeling a bit annoyed with myself as well because I told H he could decide which day/time we went to the maze, but now I've realised my plans for friend's bday tomorrow start earlier than I thought so I should have said today. But I didn't want H to think I was pushing to do something on V Day.

H seemed a bit sad he didn't have more time with me this morning because he said he wanted to show me his videos from his ski trip, and he brought up the maze himself and suggested tomorrow, then asked me to let him know once I find out my plans tomorrow because he's free all day. And he said we could go next weekend if not tomorrow. So that's a positive. I guess I should focus on that and that he seems to really want to go since he brought it up. Just can't help feeling down!

Hug count: 6 hugs and one sort of cuddle in 45 minutes

[Cadet]

Just out of curiosity do you know what your love language is?
What about your husbands?

Sorry you are down but maybe he is speaking in another language to you.
Just a thought!

[susana4]

Just out of curiosity do you know what your love language is?
What about your husbands?

Sorry you are down but maybe he is speaking in another language to you.
Just a thought!

Thanks Cadet. That might be true in fact! I have thought that before actually - I'm currently reading the book. On the quiz I got Quality Time first, closely followed by PT.

I don't know what H's is but I'm pretty certain it's not QT. Do you know if there are any quizzes to find out theirs?

I thought his might be WOA but lately I've been wondering if it's Acts of Service, because when we were dating he used to come round my house and do my laundry (!).

He did do all the laundry while I was out last night, and got up this morning before I woke up to go buy cereal and milk.

[Cadet]

Can you get him to take the quiz?

I am going to guess AOS, but most men are PT(touch)
I am both of the above.

[susana4]

Can you get him to take the quiz?

I am going to guess AOS, but most men are PT(touch)
I am both of the above.

I probably could but I don't know if he would see it as pursuit or trying to open the door to R talk.

I think he probably is PT as a strong second to AOS -- hence all the hugging he does these days.

He and I always did a lot of touching, holding hands most of the time when we were out, cuddling pretty much the whole time we watched TV, ML. So it would make sense if we both had PT as a language. But I think our primary languages may differ.

[Cadet]

Sounds like you have it figured out.
So maybe no need to have him take the test.

Figure AOS followed by PT.

So my point is he is expressing love to you through his LL.
Isn't he?

[susana4]

Yes, you're right. Thank you Cadet, I feel so much better about our interaction this morning now. And not so down! I was trying to push for QT but he must have been thinking "I already did the laundry, the dishes and went and got her breakfast, I've expressed my love".

Ok, I'm off to read 5LL now and work out how I can learn to express myself through AOS...

[June315]

Hi Susana,
I'm catching up now. You are doing great. I think we started here about the same time and now we are reading the same book. V-day is tough and quite confusing.