Okay, I feel as if I am starting over...I need to, anyway.
H and I have had a hell of a time the past few days - I have been exhausted, irritated, and sometimes downright irrational. It's time for me to reset my goals. My perspective has been adjusted somewhat thanks to a phonecall peptalk from Betsey (thanks for listening to me whine, Bets ). She just let me talk and eventually I realized I don't want a D, although I have papers with my husband's signature, printed and signed at my request. (Yeah, it was a HELL of a weekend).

But you know, if we can survive an affair, I'll be damned if I let division-of-labor type fights do us in!!! That's what the issue is - I am overwhelmed with the house and all that, I am not taking care of/pampering myself, and I am not getting enough sleep. I also have been very lax in watching my crazymaking.

It is my responsibility to look after my needs - for sleep, for solitude, for support - and to request help in a non-angry, non-threatening way when I need it. To simply ask is a challenge for me, and until I master that challenge, I can't accurately guage what H's willingness to help is.

I've gotten lazy. I am acting the part of the martyr here, and I am not putting in much actual effort myself - just bitching about all the stuff I need to do. I need to can the negativity and bitterness, and especially the anger, and look at myself first.

What works? Not what I am doing right now. I asked my husband straight out why he didn't want a divorce, and he said "because I don't want to lose you." He does love me, and he isn't trying to hurt me or use me on purpose! I need to remind myself daily that it is okay to be myself and to ask for what I need without guilt trips or anger.

H has not been home for six months, and has no idea where anything goes, and may feel like it isn't really his house right now. He is afraid of putting something in the wrong place and making me mad...

My goals:
1) Stop the hostility!!! Go back to at least civility in all interactions with H. No sarcasm, yelling, or guilt-tripping.
2) Try to do my part willingly and cheerfully - the house wasn't spic and span when he got there, so it isn't fair to expect him to make it that way.
3) Simply and graciously request help when I need it. Stop expecting H to mind-read -that isn't fair!

Well, this was long, but as always, any thoughts or perceptions are welcome!
Thanks, all,
Myrrh

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.