Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

Posting my detachment work I started this evening so I can refer to it when I need to. I know I have to refer back here often and keep reading it until I have it developed it. The whole fake it until I make it idea.

Some of the "letting go" statements that define detachment were painful to think about. I am realizing the reality of the loss of my W and family as I wanted it to be is very painful.

Gogofo's steps to develop detachment

1 - Toxic relationship qualities I identify with
*I find it hard to let go because it is addictive
*She is emotionally unavailable to me
*I’m overly dependent on Her
*She has the power to impact my feelings about myself
*I am a chronic fixer
*My loyalty to Her won’t allow me to let go
*I have a dream that She will come around and change to be what I want
*She has not forgiven all past hurts
*My needs and wants are ignored

2 - These qualities are specific to my attachment with Her

3 - My irrational beliefs that prevent me from becoming detached.
*Being detached seems so cold and aloof. I can’t be that way when I love and care for
Her. It’s either 100 percent all the way or no way at all
*If I let go too soon She might change to be like the fantasy or dream I want Her to be
*Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and unreachable. I could never allow
myself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between Her
and I. It seems so unnatural.
*I don’t want Her to be emotionally detached from me so why would I think it’s a good
thing to do to Her
*The family that plays together stays together. Never do anything without including Her.
*If She hurts, I hurt.
*If She is in trouble how can I ignore her, it seems cruel and inhuman
*When She is hurting I must always get involved and try to help Her solve problems
*I would rather forgo all my pleasures in order to assist Her to be happy and successful
*I can never give too much when providing support, comfort, and care for Her
*No matter how badly She hurts me I must always be forgiving and continue to help and
support Her
*I should love Her more since love is the answer to all our problems

4 - I am being hurt emotionally because I am not detached from my relationship with Her. I build myself up and think that my relationship is one of the main characteristics that defines me. A successful marriage and happy family means that I am a worthy person. If She is happy then I am doing a good job and being happy too. If She is in a bad mood then I must have done something wrong or need to change something about myself so I can make her happy again. I do not have the ability alone to make her happier, but I can make her sad and then bring her back up to the same level she was before thereby making her feel like I can cheer her up. I base my actions on what I think She would like. Very few, if any, of the decisions and choices I make are based on what it is that I want or desire. I look at my actions to change her actions and how she feels. I feel like I need to fix Her and Us so we can have a more fulfilling relationship. If I am not working on the relationship then I am hurting it. I am scared to lay back and let us naturally grow together.

5 - I need to accept that I can only change myself, I cannot change Her. She is unchangeable in my life. I cannot have expectations that things will be better than they are in reality. My expectations are created by not detaching and cause me pain. She will do whatever she feels she needs to do or change what she needs to change. I need to let go of my need to change Her, no one has this ability but her. Let life play out the way that it will.

6 - I do not need to feel guilty about letting go and emotionally detaching from my relationship with Her. My detachment does not mean that I do not care for her, it means that she has the freedom to be who she wants to be. If her life turns out to be worse than it is right now, I cannot feel guilty about this. It will be her choices that lead her there and I do not have the ability to fix her or her choices and therefore should not feel guilty if this happens. I should also not feel guilty if her life becomes happier than it is right now or was in our relationship. She made the choices and did the actions she chose inside and outside of our relationship. If she was unhappy I should not feel responsible or guilty because those were her choices.

7 - I deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and fulfilling. I am a great person who is full of love to share with a person that wants to give the love back to me. I am a great catch with many unique and good qualities that plenty of woman would be so lucky to experience. My desire to better myself and learn and grow should also be reflected and given back to me in a relationship. I am a person who deserves all this and more and can find someone who deserves this and gives this back to me as well. I will become strong enough to let go to improve myself to become the person I deserve to be.

8 - I will gain support from the forum as I begin my journey to develop detachment from Her. I will find solace in not feeling alone and unique in my situation and know that others before me have walked this difficult and painful path before me and came out of the other end as better people. There is not growth without pain.