They say that we see our fathers in our husbands. That is definitely true for me. Is there a chance that you are expecting your H to take on the feelings of your dad? Maybe that is why you can’t handle calm and crazymake. Trying to beat him to the punch…because you are afraid of being abused again (although your husband wouldn’t do that to you).
You hit the nail on the head, Mer. I think this is the root of a lot of the probs on my end with Dustin. I learned growing up that it was excruciating to wait for the next time my dad would get angry, and I felt like I had to constantly monitor and help adjust his mood. I understand anger and abuse. It's harder for me to understand love, trust, and caring. I tend to be somewhat suspicious of it.
If you can now recognize the problems with your dad and bring those to the surface, maybe you can slay that demon once and for all, and trust that D won’t treat you that way…and thus letting go of that resentment toward him.
I think you're right again, Mer. Already, just recognizing the source and substance of my resentment is refocusing the feelings on my dad and my relationship with him where they belong. One of my biggest issues is displacin gor ignoring feelings that are scary - and these feelings are scary!
Another opportunity I see here for you is to allow D to really witness your changes. Let him in, Myrrh. Talk to him rationally about what you are going through. Show him how strong you have become, and how open you can be with your feelings – without crazymaking, playing the martyr, blaming him, getting irritable or whatever else bothers him about your emotions. In turn, you will show yourself how strong you are.
This already started a little last night. I told him that I was sad, and why, while we were logged onto the computer and he said "why didn't you tell me?" I told him I just talked to my mother, and said that since I had called a few times, I didn't want to call him again. He said "You can call me." And I said, well, I really don't want to be crabby or anything - I think I just need some time to be sad. He was really sweet about that, and really snuggly when he came home. He didn't seem surprised by the way I handled it, but maybe as he sees I really am not going to flip out abou
this...
My thoughts and prayers are with you, and please email me if you need to talk!
I was going to e-mail you yesterday, and somehow I forgot...I might have to do that later today. Thanks, Mer and Betsey for the hugs and words of encouragement. I may need more as Mom and Dad go farther into the process. But I will be okay. Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
All's quiet on the pussycat front. Aside from the family of origin goings-on, H and I are doing really well.
He is being very supportive of me through this whole drama. Of course, I am being very straightforward about my feelings - no hidden emotion coming out as hostility, crazymaking, whatever.
The only snag - I had a dream last night that H was cheating on me with my best friend M and the OW at the same time. Want to hear the hilarious part? I was trying to DB in the dream. I remember asking myself several times in the dream "okay, how am I going to handle this?"
Several times when I have been successful for a bit at not crazymaking, I have frightening dreams about Dustin and I fighting, him being with someone else, etc. It isn't the dreams that are the problem; it's the feelings and memories they stir up. Of course, waking up and being able to snuggle up to him helped a LOT! I am still somewhat afraid of him lying to me. I don't know if it's because of my feelings about my mom and dad and his constant affairs, or if it's just my brain being resistant ot the changes I am trying to make, and trying to shove me back into my "comfort" zone...but I'll get through it.
I am going out of town next month, and I need to catch up on a lot of things at the house before I go, so today I am going to work out a plan for doing that. I have a huge to do list at work to accomplish, so I will probably not be on as much today.
Anyone have any thoughts on dealing with residual fears and flashbacks? Just looking for pointers... Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Residual fears and flashbacks? When I get them, I can process them if I actually take the time to think about why they're present and what I need to do to address things.
You're already more than halfway there by asking!
Go forth and DB--awake and while sleeping!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I am still somewhat afraid of him lying to me. I don't know if it's because of my feelings about my mom and dad and his constant affairs, or if it's just my brain being resistant ot the changes I am trying to make, and trying to shove me back into my "comfort" zone...but I'll get through it.
I can sum up my thoughts on this with ‘uh, yup’ !!
I know exactly how you feel. All too often I find myself terrified that I am doing all this very hard work of rebuilding trust and it is being built on a foundation of false-pretences. I’m afraid that the only thing that has changed is his ability to lie better and my ability to turn a blind eye.
How to curb those feelings and spin them around to positive thoughts? Well…I can offer empathy by the bucket load but solutions are harder. What works for me is coming up with a plan for the short term. If he doesn’t show, what will I do? If he comes late, what will I say? Etc. Something that gives me an if-then statement, and then I feel like it won’t be so bad. Listing out the positives in a before – after sort of way seems to help me as well.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I really feel like I am fighting some serious internal battles here. The quiet continues, even after a somewhat intense discussion today about a mistake I feel I made. Quiet is eerie and creepy sometimes.
I absolutely love and am in love with my husband. The relationship he and I are building in some ways doesn't even resemble our old one. The biggest difference is :we don't fight all the time!!!! Sometimes being respectful and kind feels a tad artificial (I know that makes me sound terrible), but it seems to work better than my former strategy of express everything and express it loudly! I have also been working on some of the issues that concerned the H about me - giving him privacy (aka snooping), giving him space, being independent. All those are scary for me, and truthfully, SUCCESS scares the hell out of me! I am afraid that the other shoe will drop, that not only will I fall off the no crazymaking wagon - I'll lose sight of it entirely, that he'll leave me.
These fears are there - and they are the most difficult thing about having him home. The ultimate goal is to make my marriage the best it can be, and sometimes that's overwhelming.
I know this post makes no sense...I guess I just needed to ramble for a bit. Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Betsey - I missed you guys, too! Well, as I let you know off-BB, H and I had a small tiff last night. It involved the junk in the trunk statement (not made by him!), and me misunderstanding him completely. (I am pretty sure he doesn't think I have an outrageously big butt!!!) Anyway, I am really sensitive about a few of my physical features - my rear, my ears, and my big feet. And I react very defensively when I feel they may be under attack - the conversation reached a point where he said (haven't heard this in a long time) "it doesn't matter what I say to you! I can't talk to you!"
What I said to him was "I really don't want to fight about who is right and who is wrong - I was just letting you know that what you said hurt my feelings, and I felt like you didn't care about that - just about being right." We figured it out eventually, but here is what I would have wanted to do differently: 1) Let him know that the random comment from a total stranger really hurt my feelings, so he had something to validate. When I told him the story, I presented it to him as amusing rather than something that hurt me, so I don't think he knew how to respond. 2) Not get so damn defensive! He loves me, all of me, and I would do well to remember that when the conversation gets tense!
Anyway, I set some goals while I was waiting for my 800th load of laundry to get done, and they are as follows: 1) Try to listen to what sounds like criticism from H and see if I can pick out the "clues" as to what I could be doing better. 2) Keep trying to Fly with Flylady! Baby steps, baby steps!!! 3) Overall maintain a gentle, caring, positive demeanor in every interaction with H. 4) Keep the phone turning into a pumpkin! There they are - I will let you know how they go! Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Myrrh, Hi, good goals! How are you doing with them?
This post DOES make sense! I can totally relate! Success, getting along, feeling happy, feeling love, etc. are really really scary!!! You & I have some similar issues from the past in that we could never please our dads. One day one thing would work, the next day it wouldn't. So, could it be that if we find something that works w/our h's one day, we are afraid it won't work the next?
I think that if I found something that worked w/my dad, I would let my guard down again thinking that it was safe. Then WHAMMO! he's upset and I'm a turd again!!! Do this over and over and over for several years and what do you get??? We NEVER feel safe!! We think that if we put our hearts on our sleeves w/our h's that they will turn around and smoosh 'em!
I am ALWAYS expecting the worst. But, ya know what happens when you EXPECT the worst? You GET the worst! Dr. Phil-"what you fear is what you create."
Since you are so afraid of success/yet want things to be perfect, would it help you to do what I do? Try not to have a goal of having a "10" night, but just focus on having a nice, pleasant, "6" of a night. That way I am not putting too much pressure on myself, still expecting positive rather than negative, and not setting h up for failure. It works EVERY time!!! The nights end up being 9's, 10's, and sometimes 15's!!!
I think it is important to set small goals for ourselves b/c if we get too happy too fast, we freak out. Is that how you feel? When I start to feel happy, confident in myself, and really loving h unconditionally is when I scare the piss out of myself. It doesn't make sense to other people b/c they think, "well, why wouldn't you want to be happy?" "well...let me tell you why..." is how we feel.
Are you spiritual/religious at all? How is your faith in God?
hope you have a good weekend! It's thunderstorming on the snow right now here. Kind of a strange combination!
Small, attainable goals are always the best to build upon. And you know what, as you grow the 'small' goals you are setting are consistantly larger than they were at the beginning. It's just that your successful perspective allows you to achieve more.
Small goals, baby step, baby step, baby step home!!!
Okay, I feel as if I am starting over...I need to, anyway. H and I have had a hell of a time the past few days - I have been exhausted, irritated, and sometimes downright irrational. It's time for me to reset my goals. My perspective has been adjusted somewhat thanks to a phonecall peptalk from Betsey (thanks for listening to me whine, Bets ). She just let me talk and eventually I realized I don't want a D, although I have papers with my husband's signature, printed and signed at my request. (Yeah, it was a HELL of a weekend).
But you know, if we can survive an affair, I'll be damned if I let division-of-labor type fights do us in!!! That's what the issue is - I am overwhelmed with the house and all that, I am not taking care of/pampering myself, and I am not getting enough sleep. I also have been very lax in watching my crazymaking.
It is my responsibility to look after my needs - for sleep, for solitude, for support - and to request help in a non-angry, non-threatening way when I need it. To simply ask is a challenge for me, and until I master that challenge, I can't accurately guage what H's willingness to help is.
I've gotten lazy. I am acting the part of the martyr here, and I am not putting in much actual effort myself - just bitching about all the stuff I need to do. I need to can the negativity and bitterness, and especially the anger, and look at myself first.
What works? Not what I am doing right now. I asked my husband straight out why he didn't want a divorce, and he said "because I don't want to lose you." He does love me, and he isn't trying to hurt me or use me on purpose! I need to remind myself daily that it is okay to be myself and to ask for what I need without guilt trips or anger.
H has not been home for six months, and has no idea where anything goes, and may feel like it isn't really his house right now. He is afraid of putting something in the wrong place and making me mad...
My goals: 1) Stop the hostility!!! Go back to at least civility in all interactions with H. No sarcasm, yelling, or guilt-tripping. 2) Try to do my part willingly and cheerfully - the house wasn't spic and span when he got there, so it isn't fair to expect him to make it that way. 3) Simply and graciously request help when I need it. Stop expecting H to mind-read -that isn't fair!
Well, this was long, but as always, any thoughts or perceptions are welcome! Thanks, all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
!!