I think I am doing really well right now... I know there are still many hard days ahead, but when I think about the emotional shape I was in back in October, November, and December, I can really see a lot of progress. I'm no longer afraid of a future without my W in it (or in it the way I want her to be in it), but of course I do get sad when I think about it -- but the sadness isn't paralyzing like the fear was.
I am going to be okay. There is no other option.
So for all of my friends here -- I am sending out a big hug and lots of love to all of you for Valentine's Day :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Hi Wonka -- thanks for checking on me! That brings a smile to my face :-)
I am doing okay. Our weekend was actually pretty good considering it was Valentine's Day weekend. When I say pretty good -- I just mean that Monster wasn't present... The tough part about that is that I am seeing more glimpses of the W I know and love -- no love or affection, but more light-hearted interaction and some actual small talk (not about the kids or stuff like that). That part is hard, as everyone here knows, because it reminds me of what is missing...
She worked from home today and had a IC scheduled for about 2 hours ago -- sounds like she just pulled in -- so I'm guessing she needed some time to decompress before coming home knowing I'd be here when she got back.
I'm taking care of myself with continued prayer, meditation, interacting with friends and family (at least by phone when I can't see people in person), and trying hard to hear/understand the path of healing and growth that I need to be on right now. Having more and more moments of clarity with regard to that -- so I think the time spent in prayer and meditation is helping me become more connected so I can hear and understand what I need to do for myself and my family.
Still no progress on the job situation -- but I know that is in God's hands as well and when it is time, it will happen. :-)
But to directly answer your question -- yes, despite the absence of Monster, I do think my W is still in orbit!
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Well... so much for no Monster... spoke to soon...
She came in to the house and I guess she'd picked up lunch while she was out... I heard her in the kitchen getting something out of a bag and putting it on a plate. She then stomped her way up the stairs without a word to me when she passed the office... A little while later I got a business-like email regarding her desire to spend more time in the evening with the kids during the week...
Instead of replying to the email I went upstairs to respond so I could speak to her about whether or not she is planning to get home a little earlier from work some evenings during the week so I don't have to keep the kids up too late... Her response: "No, but I was getting home at the same time before all of this happened and you did keep the kids up so I could read to them..." I responded that I started trying to get them to bed earlier to help with the morning situation which was a nightmare with one or more of them being sluggish with getting ready for school -- my goal was to reduce the hectic and stressful nature of the morning routine so the kids might have a better day at school (work habits and behavior). She said she understood but still wants more time with them... And she was definitely more in Monster mode while speaking to me about this...
Grrrr... I'd love for her to have more time with them as well -- but it would be nice if she could make an effort to get home earlier so she can do that without creating disruption to their bedtime/morning schedules. WTF?! Just a perfect example of MLC selfishness...
And no, I really don't know how to respond to her on this other than just to say "OK" and see what happens... I'm really not okay with disrupting their routine, but I do want her to spend more time with them... But to demand that she gets home earlier is just more "pressure" which MLCers don't like, right?
Excuse me while I stop for a moment for a silent scream in my mind...
Yep, definitely still in orbit... and now Monster is back...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Just re-read my last post and continuing to think about what she just requested...
Good grief... this is a clear example of MLC paranoia and seeing the spouse as the enemy, right? She is interpreting my attempts to provide routine -- and to make up for her absence (coming home late from work on weeknights and sleeping in later every morning because of her own behavior with OW and the A) -- as an attempt to keep her from spending any time with the kids.
Once again -- placing the blame on me instead of looking at herself and her own behaviors and thinking "Huh, maybe I should try to get home a little earlier and maybe I shouldn't be having an EA that keeps me up at odd hours of the night... Maybe, if i want a relationship with my kids, I should make some changes..."
God forbid my MLC W take a look at herself and see how she is creating a situation she doesn't like...
If it sounds like I am seething with anger, I am. But I can't explode at her, because: "pressure" and "don't care what you think or feel anyway"
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Yeah they will find anything to get a rise up ... again, creating a fight with you only justifies what they are doing was right all along. And the Buisness emails .... ughhhh those are the worst ... 3 years ago I would get a text like "Hey babe can you stop off and grab some carrots for me? Thanks Love you" And now its emails "Hello CaliGuy, I wanted to bring this to your attention ... blah blah blah ... W"
Just curious ... how is her memory? In my case .. when she would go off on something like this ... I would have little to no reply or response, listen validate ... and typically she would forget about it by the next day. Sometimes its better for your own sanity to just disregard the things you know she is doing to provoke a fight ... side step and use her own momentum against her.
Just curious ... how is her memory? In my case .. when she would go off on something like this ... I would have little to no reply or response, listen validate ... and typically she would forget about it by the next day. Sometimes its better for your own sanity to just disregard the things you know she is doing to provoke a fight ... side step and use her own momentum against her.
Pretty sure she'll remember this... It came right after her IC session, so I assume during her IC she talked about how she isn't getting to spend as much time with the kids these days and how this is hurting her relationship with them... Of course, in the session I am SURE she blamed me for limiting her time with the kids instead of looking at her own behaviors that are causing her to spend less time with the kids.
I plan to go with her request for a week or so and see what happens. If we start to have problems in the morning or the kids start to have problems at school (work habits or behavior), then I will address my concerns with her about the bedtime routine.
I'm still so angry about this -- especially since I can tell from her attitude about it that she is blaming me for limited time with the kids instead of changing her own behavior. I would certainly love to be able to share more of the parenting with her, but we have to do it in the best interest of the kids and not around our own individual and selfish schedules. Honestly, I've been doing 95% of the parenting work since the last week of October and I am completely exhausted. But trying to have a rational conversation about this with her right now is just out of the question.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I think it would help to document the days and times W gets up, comes home, stays awake during her phone-fests with OW, and gets in bed. Nothing like hard data to show W how the supposedly 'lack of time' with kids isn't your fault but how she uses HER own time.
