I want to chime in w/Betsey. Did he SAY that it is your fault? I didn't read that. ??? Are you putting words into his mouth/hearing things that he is not really saying/expecting the worst???
Nope, he didn't. I really think this is my own feelings coming out, and me taking his frustration wiht our financial situation WAY too seriously.
And h will say, "did I say that?" and I say, "well...no..." Here I was assuming the worst and not giving him the benefit of the doubt which then in turn causes him to feel defensive and like I don't trust him.
Gee, that interaction sounds familiar. This is the dynamic I am most trying to change right now.
Are you trying to prove yourself right? Are you pigeonholing your h b/c of some of your own insecurities?
Yup. It's more comfortable for me to be right than happy and living in harmony with my H, sometimes.
Kind of ties into another thought that I had-How can you (we) remove the victim in your (our) sit.? CAN you take care of your finances better if you do eat more PB&J or mac-n-cheese? Are there ways that you can save money so you can pay the bills w/o having to bug him for money?
I guess I could, but I don't really see the point of sinking into complete poverty just so I can cover all the bills myself. I appreciate the suggestion, but he is normally perfectly willing to help pay bills. What I do think would be good thing for me to do is ALLOW him to contribute without making a huge fuss about it. Sometimes I FEEL like I should be financially independent, but truthfully I think it's okay for me to share our basic household expenses with him. That way I can use my financial abilities to do some saving for the future, so that someday we don't have to live from paycheck to paycheck.
Thanks, Karen, for your help, and Betsey, and ALL who have given me some good suggestions. The angry feelings have almost completely faded - he contributed about as much as I did to this month's bills, and we both feel good that we actually HAD enough to cover the bills this time. This is something I think we just need to get into a habit with. He doesn't make purchases as big as this car every day, so I don't think he is being a complete spendaholic or anything - a lot of what Mer had said in her earlier posts is true. What I need to work on in this situation is my ability to graciously accept his contributions, instead of assuming that he is angry that he has to contribute.
I need to be able to say "this is how much we are going to owe at this time, and this is how much I need from you." And then when he gives it to me, no matter how stressed he seems, just accept it with a thank you. My mom always took care of the bills in our house, and has been the major breadwinner - it's different to have a more equal situation now. While I need to work on independence in my general lifestyle, I also need to work on allowing myself to be interdependent with my H financially.
I didn't get the checking account done this week because I ended up paying the bills in cash, so that's a goal I still haven't reached yet. When we closed out our joint account shortly after he left, I just didn't open another one.
Well, today's goals: 1) Validate H's new car excitement. (It's here, so I might as well be excited with him! I like the car, too, although I may not mention how much I like it to him!). 2) Get some laundry sorted. 3) Work on getting the kitchen a few steps closer to spotless. 4) Get some movies for him and I to watch during our together time tonight. 5) Be flexible about dinnertime tonight.
These are pretty reachable goals, I think. Hope you all had a great weekend! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Wow - weird day on the board today. The people whose sitches seem to be improving are kind of MIA, while others are having huge dips in their sitches!
My own is pretty quiet. H and I had a really nice weekend. We had our family night last night, with lots of play-fighting, talking, and just snuggling. Lots of endearments and the like.
The car was delivered yesterday. It is beautiful. Seriously - the car was totalled by the insurance company, which is mostly a matter of appraising the cost of fixing it higher than the current book value of the car - it's a 97, so that wasn't hard.
The windshield is very broken, the headlights are smashed, and the hood needs replaced (I know it SOUNDS scary). He started it for me, and the engine purrs like a kitten! A lot of his friends are into cars, so fixing it will be much cheaper than normal. Paying for it will be a matter of selling the cars we have already (some broke down and were fixed, some are specialty cars) and maybe using some of the tax refund. I think I am going to propose to him that we split the tax refund and I use part to pay off my school debt, and he can use the other half towards the car.
To sum up, I like this car. I think I overreacted somewhat (okay, a LOT). I didn't handle my concerns as well as I could have. He actually does have a workable plan for paying fo rthis car, and it won't affect our day-to-day finances.
This is going to be okay, and that peace and harmony feeling is slowly creeping back in! YAY! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Nope, no pencil and paper talk, but he has made a special effort to discuss financial plans with me and hash a few things out in the past few days.
Having a rough night, but for once it has nothing to do with my H - my mom and dad are getting a D, and it isn't one that could or should be B'd. I am totally behind my mom 100%, so I don't know why I still feel sad...I really am sad. I have to be careful, because sometimes me being sad translates into the urge to crazymake, but I am trying to be really honest with myself about my feelings. I feel sad about this - both that my dad is still embroiled in the worst kind of alien behavior, and has been for my whole life - 23 years. My mom deserves better than constant abuse and unfaithfulness.
I feel like a deflated balloon, somewhat. I am angry that my dad thinks its okay to be consistently unfaithful. I am angry that he doesn't seem to care about or want a relationship with me and my son. I am angry that he thinks his affairs don't and shouldn't affect his kids.
My dad was once the most important person in my whole life. I can't even remember what my point was in saying that. This D is the right thing, but why does it still hurt?
Positive baby step for me - coming to this board and honestly expressing my feelings instead of crazymaking with my husband. Today I am not afraid to be sad. I just am. I am going to go put on some music and work on the bathroom (cleaning it, that is) and cleaning up around the computer area. And I am not going to fight or hang on to my sadness; I am just going to let it be what it is. Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Karen and Pattie - Thanks both of you. Actually, I have had a HUGE epiphany tonight. The original source of all this resentment I have boiling around inside me.
As a litle girl, I was always there to stick up for my dad, to be his confidant, to listen to him, sympahtize with him, and take his side. My greatest pleasure was making him smile, and I did everything I could to not make him angry (not that it worked). Not exactly a healthy father/daughter relationship - I was a pretty good kid and I STILL got verbally and physically abused, no matter how hard I tried to be perfect.
And he never gave anything back. I never got the support or validation I so desperately craved - I gave him all of the resources a child could have, and still got nothing but abuse in return. And when I grew up and wanted to become my own person, he acted like I didn't exist or talked badly about me behind my back.
This is why I am so angry. This is the Source. I am feeling grief partly for what my mom has dealt with, partly for our family going through this, and partly because I think I am finally grieving the loss of my dad. He could only love me when I was what he wanted me to be.
Sorry for dumping out this obviously screwed up bunch of feelings, but I only just figured this out tonight. Sheesh, I need to go sleep and think about this. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Oh Myrrh, I am so sorry to hear your family’s news.
No matter what the situation, divorce is a sad thing for families. There is no shame in feeling sadness, and I am glad you can see that!
I’m going to jump out on a limb here…but is there a chance that this could help you in your DBing? I’ll explain.
They say that we see our fathers in our husbands. That is definitely true for me. Is there a chance that you are expecting your H to take on the feelings of your dad? Maybe that is why you can’t handle calm and crazymake. Trying to beat him to the punch…because you are afraid of being abused again (although your husband wouldn’t do that to you). If you can now recognize the problems with your dad and bring those to the surface, maybe you can slay that demon once and for all, and trust that D won’t treat you that way…and thus letting go of that resentment toward him.
Another opportunity I see here for you is to allow D to really witness your changes. Let him in, Myrrh. Talk to him rationally about what you are going through. Show him how strong you have become, and how open you can be with your feelings – without crazymaking, playing the martyr, blaming him, getting irritable or whatever else bothers him about your emotions. In turn, you will show yourself how strong you are.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, and please email me if you need to talk!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Please don't apologize for getting your feelings out. If not here, where? And since you stated your emotions so well and how they affect your home life with D, this is even more true.
Some people go through their whole lives trying to win a parent's approval. I think it's awfully sad that a parent won't give it unconditionally... Soupman had some really good thoughts on this very subject awhile back. It boils down to this: being rejected isn't a reflection of you, but a reflection of what is in their heart.
Myrrh, I believe with all my heart that you were and are good enough. Just because he holds you, your mom and everyone else to a different standard doesn't mean that you are less than. Ergo, you didn't deserve to be abused.
I think Mer's idea to let Dustin in would really help the cause. You could share your feelings, fears and insecurities with him--and he could comfort you. Plus I think knowing that he isn't the source of your anxiety right now might really help D in his efforts as well.
Keep smiling, chickie.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
