Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

I am feeling pretty angry right now so I need to journal.

I am pissed off that my W will talk about how important her family is to her and then not be willing to work on our M. I feel like she is giving up on the family.

I don't understand her hot and cold feelings and how we cannot talk about our feelings. Oh that's right, you are confiding in another person. This is not what happens in a healthy relationship.

I am pissed at the realtionship quotes she puts on pinterest. They totally embody how I feel about our R/M and where we can build it up to.

I am pissed how she verbalizes that she wants a divorce because she is done trying. This just days after planning a trip for us because she said that she needed to keep trying to.

I am so mad right now at the situation because we don't understand each other's feelings. I don't understand how someone can tell you she loves you, expresses it in multiple different ways and then be so sure that things will never work out. AHHHHHHH!!!

There are so many things right now that I want to yell and scream at her. From I love to to F!@K YOU and everything in between.

I know that DBing principles go against what feels right. I feel that I should talk to her about how she feels about this whole situation, like I never did much before. So that means I need to STFU and wait and wait and wait to see if she ever feels any different.

Trying to go dark is going to be very hard. I am scared about it even though with the D in progress I have nothing left to lose. I am addicted to her, not as much as last week or the week before, but I am still addicted. I am emotionally drained right now and all I feel is anger this afternoon.

I am so confused by her swings in emotion and how she goes from acting like herself to acting crazy. I am in love with the woman that acts like my W, the other person just has me in disbelief.

I want nothing more than for us to rebuild our R into something greater. I am so disappointed right now that I don't know whether to scream or cry.

I am glad the W is gone tonight hanging our with her friends because I may have went nuclear on any shred of R that is left.

I hate operating out of fear and pain. I need to get through this and these emotions I am feeling tonight. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will be busy so hopefully my mind will not be on the R.

(Rant over)