But, here I go again. This nighttime pit fall. Having him next door is killing me. That's what's doing it. I mean, now... it's like... just too much.
After not being there much all week, now he is spending all his time there. Right after work yesterday and didn't come home and right after work today. And you know he's not going back to bil. So... that means he will be there all weekend.
And his actions are really like... I don't know... childish, and like- in your face, Mighty! You don't want to answer my texts and attend my plant funeral... well- I will show you!
And... It was the day after V-Day, last year that we went to Puerto Rico on our family trip. V-day was awkward, as he dropped off stuff for the kids and wouldn't even look at me. We left at like 4 am the next morning, but he wouldn't stay here, even though he was living like 30 min out of town and out of the way. Now I know she wasn't pleased about it and the reason for the monster about the trip.
Not trying to bring it back up, but I just can't believe that I am in the same position a year later. Only now... he has a family there.
Damn it. It so friggin upsetting to think of it like he has another family. When the reality is he knocked up someone during an affair while he was married. It was not planned, by him, anyways.
OK, see... here I go. Two steps forward, one step back. Why are the in my head? I don't know! I really think him being next door is making me suffer. I just can't seem to make that part stop.
So. What can I do differently? Alright. Here is one thing: I am not going to feel pathetic in my own house! I mean, I don't have much going on, and that bothers me. But, I need to own it. I am going to get into my jammies and watch a movie by the fire. And, normally I would feel really insecure about that. Like, if he saw me he would think I am just a lonely loser. Well... MAYBE I AM, DANG IT! And, I don't want to feel bad about. If that's what I want to do- fine.
OK, he is with a mock family. I know he really won't be happy there, right? He can say what he wants now, but he let me into a little more than that of what goes on there. Sure, the baby think is cool now, but some things haven't changed.
And I just need to be OK with it. As much as I seem to cycle, I do know that I get just a little stronger every time I come out of it. And, I seem to let some things go a little bit at a time. I am sure it does not seem like it, but I am pretty sure that it's happening.
See... i feel a little better already.
I'm just not sure how things in my life are going to change, exactly. I know it's up to me to do, but I just don't know what to do. Or what I want. Nothing right now. Is that normal to just want nothing. Or to snap my fingers and have things in place. That would be way cool. Where is Mary Poppins when you need her?
I guess I know this. Xh knows what he is doing is hurtful. Yet, he does not care. He referred to himself as being an "animal" the past year. He was so ashamed of that. He kept saying, "I was an animal." Well, does he think differently of himself now? Can he justify his actions? She can have an animal. I don't want one. I have a dog, and she's a lot of work. And, as d13 said a few months ago, "Mom, you need a real man." See... I need a man, not an animal.
