Karen and Pattie - Thanks both of you. Actually, I have had a HUGE epiphany tonight. The original source of all this resentment I have boiling around inside me.
As a litle girl, I was always there to stick up for my dad, to be his confidant, to listen to him, sympahtize with him, and take his side. My greatest pleasure was making him smile, and I did everything I could to not make him angry (not that it worked). Not exactly a healthy father/daughter relationship - I was a pretty good kid and I STILL got verbally and physically abused, no matter how hard I tried to be perfect.
And he never gave anything back. I never got the support or validation I so desperately craved - I gave him all of the resources a child could have, and still got nothing but abuse in return. And when I grew up and wanted to become my own person, he acted like I didn't exist or talked badly about me behind my back.
This is why I am so angry. This is the Source. I am feeling grief partly for what my mom has dealt with, partly for our family going through this, and partly because I think I am finally grieving the loss of my dad. He could only love me when I was what he wanted me to be.
Sorry for dumping out this obviously screwed up bunch of feelings, but I only just figured this out tonight. Sheesh, I need to go sleep and think about this. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
