The Owl and the Pussycat

[Lyrael]

I want to chime in w/Betsey. Did he SAY that it is your fault? I didn't read that. ??? Are you putting words into his mouth/hearing things that he is not really saying/expecting the worst???

Nope, he didn't. I really think this is my own feelings coming out, and me taking his frustration wiht our financial situation WAY too seriously.

And h will say, "did I say that?" and I say, "well...no..." Here I was assuming the worst and not giving him the benefit of the doubt which then in turn causes him to feel defensive and like I don't trust him.


Gee, that interaction sounds familiar. This is the dynamic I am most trying to change right now.


Are you trying to prove yourself right? Are you pigeonholing your h b/c of some of your own insecurities?

Yup. It's more comfortable for me to be right than happy and living in harmony with my H, sometimes.

Kind of ties into another thought that I had-How can you (we) remove the victim in your (our) sit.? CAN you take care of your finances better if you do eat more PB&J or mac-n-cheese? Are there ways that you can save money so you can pay the bills w/o having to bug him for money?

I guess I could, but I don't really see the point of sinking into complete poverty just so I can cover all the bills myself. I appreciate the suggestion, but he is normally perfectly willing to help pay bills. What I do think would be good thing for me to do is ALLOW him to contribute without making a huge fuss about it. Sometimes I FEEL like I should be financially independent, but truthfully I think it's okay for me to share our basic household expenses with him. That way I can use my financial abilities to do some saving for the future, so that someday we don't have to live from paycheck to paycheck.

Thanks, Karen, for your help, and Betsey, and ALL who have given me some good suggestions. The angry feelings have almost completely faded - he contributed about as much as I did to this month's bills, and we both feel good that we actually HAD enough to cover the bills this time. This is something I think we just need to get into a habit with. He doesn't make purchases as big as this car every day, so I don't think he is being a complete spendaholic or anything - a lot of what Mer had said in her earlier posts is true. What I need to work on in this situation is my ability to graciously accept his contributions, instead of assuming that he is angry that he has to contribute.

I need to be able to say "this is how much we are going to owe at this time, and this is how much I need from you." And then when he gives it to me, no matter how stressed he seems, just accept it with a thank you. My mom always took care of the bills in our house, and has been the major breadwinner - it's different to have a more equal situation now. While I need to work on independence in my general lifestyle, I also need to work on allowing myself to be interdependent with my H financially.

I didn't get the checking account done this week because I ended up paying the bills in cash, so that's a goal I still haven't reached yet. When we closed out our joint account shortly after he left, I just didn't open another one.

Well, today's goals:
1) Validate H's new car excitement. (It's here, so I might as well be excited with him! I like the car, too, although I may not mention how much I like it to him!).
2) Get some laundry sorted.
3) Work on getting the kitchen a few steps closer to spotless.
4) Get some movies for him and I to watch during our together time tonight.
5) Be flexible about dinnertime tonight.

These are pretty reachable goals, I think.
Hope you all had a great weekend!
Myrrh