KieranR now KNOWS what to do!

[sandi2]

Wow, that last thread went fast. I had typed this out and you look at it as part of the information you have to gather.

I had the same reaction, when I read about you taking her coffee. I don't think you see the message you gave her.

I understand friendliness. In spite of how I may sound on the board at times, I'm actually a very friendly person. . Oh, and you may run into some other posters talking about being friends in the M. There is a difference I hope you will establish right now. Some day, when her waywardness has ended, hopefully you can be friends again. But not at this time.

There is the BFF type. You do not want to be her best friend as long as she is attached to OM. Enough said on that one.

Then there is the type of friendliness that is really more of a civil co-existent arrangement where you speak calmly (not angrily, nasty, or scarcasticly) and maintain a level of tolerance during the time spent with her. Comparable to a co-worker you don't care to have as a buddy, but you have to work along side every day.

Then there is the friendly neighbor type. (I doubt your R has reached that level, since she just admitted to a PA last night.).

Now there are all kinds of neighbors, but I encourage you (when you reach that level) that you imagine an elderly, nosy lady who wants to know all about your life. Every time you get home, she'll try to catch you before you get inside, and starts with the questions. So, in order to not look to be too big of a jerk, you walk real fast (and act real busy with other things) and barely look her way as you throw up your hand in a wave. Wave, smile, and keep on walking. She's not so bad, but you don't want to take her in to spend the night with you. You don't want to hang out with her and see if you can get a little squeeze here & there. You will just keep a certain distance between you. After all, you can speak and smile and be curtious to a perfect stranger.

Now about the coffee thing. If I were the wayward in this stitch, I would wake up not knowing what kind of mood you might have, since I dropped the PA bomb last night. But wait.......you just brought me a cup of coffee. Wheee........now I can relax a bit b/c I think you will soften enough that I will have no problem continuing life as usual. Tonight, I will just be nice and play along till this has past. You will think everything is going to be alright.

She will not believe a word you say if you don't back it up with like-minded actions. I talk a lot about how a LBH needs to be firm with his WW. In other words, let her see you are dead serious about what you are saying. No, you don't have to be hateful and mean to her. You do not punish or shame her. But get this straight......do not pet her. At this time, especially, don't try to cheer her up or get her in a better mood.

It's impossible to get everything into a few posts. Don't give up out of frustration. If you will stick with us, we will stick with you. And hang on to Starsky, b/c he is the best around here. (And can use less words.)

P.S. As long as she has been in this A, I doubt very seriously she will cut it off the first time you tell her you won't put up with it. She doesn't believe you. She will try to play you. Prepare for a rough road ahead.

You are doing great. Especially considering you haven't read the book yet.