Oh, Susana! (3)

[susana4]

I'm feeling SO nervous about H coming home from his ski trip today, and I don't know why. I just have a nervous knot in my stomach. Based on recent interactions and texts while he was away, I have no reason to expect anything other than friendliness, I just feel nervous!

Found this earlier on labug's old threads (love reading some of the stuff on here, so much wisdom on these boards!)

My controlling comes from my mother needing (for her reasons) me to appear perfect to the outside world. If I didn't measure up I was punished, so I attempted to control myself, events, other people so I could appear perfect. A defense mechanism to get me through a tough time, but I no longer need it. I can let it go.

Oh yes. This really hit me.

I'm thinking about DB coach's advice to invite him to do an activity (and work at being friends)...and I'm just not sure how much is too much. I found this free maze in a local park and would love to go this weekend but we're going to a comedy night Wednesday (he gave me tickets for my bday) and I don't want to push too much interaction, too soon. Well obviously I don't want to push at all, that would be bad!

[Zelda09]

Just keep as much oxygen/air/freedom in your house as possible. My H shared a funny meme with me last night - men are like dogs; we're excited to see you and we don't know why you're mad at us.

IMO, your H was coming home late bc he didn't feel good being home. Or he was having a better time elsewhere. The cycle you describe - spot on probably.

It helped in my sitch to share some of what I realized about what I was doing with H. It was a exercise by our MC in the beginning. He would say he was glad I recognized but changes would take years. I agreed they might. I smiled and said they might not, too. And tgen as so many have said here - I had to act, demonstrate, show. Words don't do s$**. But at tge same time, there has to be some acknowledgement of what happened I think. We had some really good conversations around some of this. Sometimes he pushed back and got angry, too. It all really depends. Out of the blue, for you, it might be a quick "Hey, I am starting to realize how X I was. I'm sorry how that must have been for you." Preferably not in middle of dinner or a place that he would feel trapped to sit there and respond. A place you can keep walking if needed, or get back to whatever you both were doing. If he continues in any way, fine. If not, fine...go on with your strong happy self. Keep the air in the house at all times.

Going out with your H - it's still GAL!! Have FUN. Touch each other, flirt, make the most of it. Enjoy those hugs. (Not clingy desperate). Hell, I say have a few drinks and end up in bed together if you can and you both want it. Connect. Show yourself off, laugh. Give hope. Do what works to bring you closer and demonstrate your changes.

(Cheerleading over.)

[susana4]

When we try to control another person they will either fight back or flee. I am not saying that your H's behaviors were appropriate. I can see why it would bother you. It sounds as if he didn't care about how much work you put into preparing a meal for him and you. The good thing is that you are seeing it now. If it was to happen again how would you handle it differently?

I also jumped to the conclusion that he didn't care how much effort I put in but perhaps I should give him the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps he didn't understand how much effort I put in and how important it was. He'd often say "don't worry, go ahead and eat without me and I'll eat the leftovers when I'm back." Which would have been fine if I made a simple dish, but when I was creating a really elaborate meal I wanted to share it with him and eat together! I think for me it was about the sharing. He does always tell me how much he loves my food and how lucky he is to eat my cooking.

Looking at his family, his mother is extremely conflict avoidant (self professed) and growing up he had little to no rules or boundaries, he had no curfew and was not expected to be back for dinner even. I witnessed this once when we were visiting, his mum spent 4 hours making a huge roast dinner and not one of her kids turned up on time and when everyone arrived she pointed out the dinner was cold. To me, she seemed quite hurt but didn't say it outright, but H insisted she doesn't take things personally and wouldn't be upset.

If it was to happen again how would you handle it differently?
Well, it's happened a few times since BD. I'm realising more and more I need to do things for me, so now I go ahead and eat dinner on my own and enjoy it and just say to myself "too bad he missed a really nice dinner".

But if we were to R, I think I would suggest having one or two designated nights a week where we'd eat dinner together and I'd cook something elaborate (I really love cooking, it's a passion of mine), and the other nights we could just have simple meals, either together if we got home at the same time or separately if either of us went out.

[Zelda09]

Don't push, correct. Invite.

You got this. Your H won't hurt you, and you're detached enough he can't. Remember your pillars.

[susana4]

Thank you for the cheerleading, Zelda! I needed it today.

Hope you're doing well and celebrating your H's good news

I'm GALing tonight, going to a roller disco so I probably won't see H for long but I will have my PMA on (and a cute dress). If the atmosphere and timing feels right I think I will go ahead and invite H to go to the maze this weekend. It would be a nice way to catch up, I want to hear about his trip.

My H shared a funny meme with me last night - men are like dogs; we're excited to see you and we don't know why you're mad at us.
Haha, that is so true!

Yes, probably true he wasn't having a good time at home. I didn't make coming home a pleasant experience either, I have to admit (if he was late and I was annoyed I wouldn't greet him very happily).

Thanks Z, I think that's great advice, it's in line with what my DB coach told me, that I can start dropping some comments about stuff I've realised I was doing. What I struggled with is the setting, the last time H and I had a convo like that (awhile ago) and we were sitting in a coffee shop and after some time he clearly wanted out of the convo but was trapped. Not good. Good suggestion about doing it somewhere he won't feel trapped.

I found one of the best couple of days H and I had in recent times was a few weeks back where I tried to imagine we weren't M, but he was a guy I liked and was getting to know (like, very early stages of dating) - we laughed, flirted, I was smiley and happy and telling jokes. In short, it was great! Think I will take that approach again on our comedy night out.

Thanks for the positivity Zelda!

[Zelda09]

I still remember that trip I took to see H when he was in the middle of NC, we're not right for each other, you're not good for me (and that was the truth - I hadn't been. Almost identical to Labugs quote you highlighted.) We were sitting beside each other at the bar, and god bless his friend for the drinks he was sending our way...but I couldn't stand it, and I said, laughing, I just want to touch you...he leaned over and was really playful about turning his head for a kiss on the cheek. And it just got easier from there, despite all the protests he was still giving verbally about why we shouldn't be together. I'm a stubborn b$&**.

You asked me earlier about how I indicated I was ready to move on. When things were more hostile from him in a letter I responded that I heard what he was saying and would accept it. I believed that though too, which I think is a strong core of DB, working on yourself and knowing you'll be ok. I told his friend, not realizing he was going to pass on my responses - I was leaving the door cracked but I had to start moving on. At a diner During the trip I let him know I'd seen a D lawyer tho it wasn't my preference. And that was a heavier convo anyway...tgat trip was business and bc of that, we sat there talking like two M adults dealing with the brink. I told him I did need him. This was a 180 from all my cursed independence, and it was the truth - it was vulnerable in that it put me in a very weak spot but told him how much he mattered to me. I did this without desperation and with dignity. When we talked about changes we'd have to make, sometimes I'd point out that they were for me, and would help the next relationship I was in whether it was our M or not.

You said you'd blamed your H for everything and he sat there and took it. This is why I think it's key you let him know you're taking your responsibility. Just wait for a good time and like you said - respect his pace and desire not to get into it. The key is phrasing which doesn't ask or demand a response if you do a test run.

Your description of last comedy night - yeah, exactly. It might not turn everything around immediately but if it feels In Your gut like it's paving the way, trust that.

Know you'll be ok either way, radiate that peace and balance

[susana4]

So H came home and was super chatty, just telling me all about his trip and asking me about my week. We only had about half an hour because I had to go GAL. but it was a very nice and positive interaction.

I validated. He opened up a little bit about his frustrations with his friends he went on the trip with. Then he looked at me like he hadn't really seen me when he came in and said "you look well. Really happy".



It was really hard not to try and touch him though. He came and sat with his face inches from mine while we were looking at my phone. Definitely the sort of situation where we would have kissed in the past and it was hard not to automatically do it. He did hug me 4 or 5 times in the space of half an hour. I felt like he was generally closer - physically - in terms of how close he was sitting, with his leg touching mine, scratching my head etc.

He did ask me one odd question -- "how were you with me coming back? Was it ok?" I didn't know what he meant and I must have looked a little panicked and it got a bit awkward. He said "I didn't mean to start a serious conversation". I gathered myself and remembered a technique I read about recently (expressing curiosity rather than asking a direct question) asked him for clarification, and he just said sometimes it's hard if you've spent a few days alone and someone comes and invades your space. Not sure what that was about tbh.

Whatever comes of this experience I am improving my communication skills.

I also invited him to go to a maze with me this weekend and he said yes, it sounds like fun. I said he can pick a day/time.

[susana4]

That was definitely the chattiest I've seen him in awhile. As soon as he got back, he gave me a big hug and then came and sat down next to me on the sofa and just started talking...I didn't even ask anything...

[Zelda09]

I'm happy for you, Susana! You're doing great. Keep drawing him toward you. Be your bestest. Hugs

[susana4]

I'm happy for you, Susana! You're doing great. Keep drawing him toward you. Be your bestest. Hugs

Thanks Z!