Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[sandi2]

I had stupidly texted her this week about being sad over Valentines Day and such.

Oh no........you didn't.

I agree with everything your counselor told you.

I am not surprised you want to hit the brakes when the C suggested filing for D. So, let's talk about it. First of all, I am not saying you should file, okay? You certainly are not ready and would always believe you acted too quickly.

Every location has different laws, but in some places, filing is just filing......It is not an automatic D. It does not necessarily mean it's over or the end....or giving up forever. That is mostly your fear telling you this.

I also feel badly that I think she wants me to file so she can tell people I D'd her and then everything she's done is somehow OK as it's on me.

So if you are the one to file, it stamps "free pass" on her forehead, and stamps "guilty" on your forehead.

I realize you are talking about how you "feel", and you know that b/c you feel this way does not make these statements a fact. And if in deed they are factual, so what? She is going to tell people whatever she wants to tell them. She may lie to them too. Then what? See my point? You can't control what she thinks, wants, see things, or tells people. And people are going to think what they want to think.

I feel me filing is me selling out and giving her what she wants.

So, you will choose to stay M out of stubbornness and not want to give in to what she wants? See how illogical that sounds? (Actually, I know how you mean it, but it is something you have to let go.)

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[quote]She should have to live with people's judgements in my mind, why should she get off easy when this is what she is bringing about herself and our family

That's a great idea. Stay in the M until she is forced to be the one to get the D.........then boy-oh-boy, everyone will know what kind of person she is then.......and they will give her the judgement she deserves! But she must be the one to file, or they will never know her for what she truly is, right? Yeah, don't let her off the easy way, she deserves all the punishment you can dish out.

It just makes me sad as although I know it doesn't mean we have to D, it does hurt my feelings to recognize we are at this point.

Why should checking out your options hurt your feelings? I think it is your W that has done the damage. You are seeing how to protect yourself and your rights as a father. That is not being the bad guy. That is being smart. It is up to you as to how you see it.

Idk about all of this as I certainly have very low self esteem right now.

Probably the rejection you feel has affected you self-esteem. When our self value is defined by our relationships or marital status, then it certainly will suffer whenever there is a change, and there is always change......sooner or later.

Maybe for men it is an ego thing? The reason I ask is b/c of how you immediately went from talking about low esteem to talking about possibly facing the future with a different person, and not being ready for it. I am not judging or fault finding at all. Just making an observation. Look at how you said this :

had never ever envisioned living in a broken family or eventually having another person in my life and my kids lives. I know I am nowhere ready for that and have a hard time feeling that I would ever find someone that could truly love me and that I could truly love. It sounds so far fatched that I can't believe it could ever be.

She said she understood my reason for wanting to move further away but wants me to wait just a bit and get myself in a healthier state and not make a rash decision to move just yet. She does want me to continue to take alternative routes and even shop at different stores, etc....to ensure I don't have to worry about running into W.

Sounds wise to me. Your C doesn't want you running to escape the problems.

You need to plan something for YOU to GAL on the 14th. It is a consumers holiday, that's all. Don't focus on lost love and all that stuff. Enjoy something fun.