The Owl and the Pussycat

[Meredith]

Myrrh…listen to my words…I need to you to put down the nutcracker….it is okay Myrrh…just put it down nice and slow….OH who am I kidding? When you’re done cracking his nuts with it just hit him upside the head a few times – maybe it will slam some sense into him!

Okay, okay…seriousness time. Here’s what I have gathered:

1. D succumbs easily to peer pressure
2. D works with people who make more money than he does
3. D finds himself comparing his self-worth to the possessions he owns
4. D is a resourceful bugger (finding someone to help him acquire the new car)
5. D is afraid of the reality of money
6. D does well with instant gratification

All of those tend to steer toward low self-esteem. Basically, he’s terrified of the reality of money so he spends it to remind himself that he can. He bases his worth on his possessions, and compares himself to others through their possessions. When his self-esteem is need of a boost, he boosts it with a compulsive present to himself (is his LL gifts?), likely triggered by ADD, and then he feels guilty so he justifies it to himself. Once he’s justified it to himself, he feels better…but can’t understand why YOU are so upset once he justifies it to you. I think PA must play some role here too…in a ‘don’t tell ME that I can’t’ sort of way.

Now, since his self-esteem is pretty kaput, talking down to him is only going to worsen it. With PA coming into the picture, you’re likely to bring on more of the same behavior from him by taking on a controlling role. The crappy part is that we’re talking MONEY here, and when you live hand to mouth (as the majority of us do), we can’t sit back.

Sting didn’t do well with an “allowance”. Now that I look back, I see that he felt like the child and I took on the role of a mother. And I did, but only because our finances were going down the toilet and taking our credit along for the ride. Turns out that my method also directed our marriage toward the same proverbial toilet!

See, we had separate checking accounts and one joint checking account. I wrote this on Karen’s thread, but I can post it here too. Each month our paychecks were direct-deposited into the joint account. We paid the bills from that account and then put some money in savings and divided what was left over (BTW, it wasn’t much). The divided money went into our individual accounts. Now, Sting would head himself out to Best Buy and fall madly in love with a stereo. Sooo…Mr. Stereo would follow him home and take residence in our house. When I came home, I’d flip out! He would calmly inform me that it was okay, we got a savings account statement in the mail that day and we had the money for it, what good news! I distinctly remember screaming at him, “The money fairy didn’t drop that off, you idiot! That is our SAVINGS for when things HAPPEN!! Your stupid electronics don’t fit in that category!” I wasn’t the nicest person either, as you can see. And how much money could I bet that the stereo was in my house to 1. show me that it could be and 2. as a rebellion for something or another.

When we went to counseling, the MC (she was more of a quack than a room full of deranged ducks…but had some good points) asked me where I got the crown for Queen Finance. She said that I took on a commanding role with OUR money…and Sting felt left out in the cold. As much as I do hate to admit it, it made sense…but he never wanted to make a budget! And when I did strap him to the chair and force him to look at our money situation, he would nod and smile. Then he’d get up, walk out the door and go buy something. I tell you, it was a loose-loose situation.

Again with the prattling! Tell me to shut up and get to the situation at hand!

I believe (and you know D better than I, of course, so please feel free to correct me) that by taking on an OPENLY aggressive role with the finances, you’ll only be throwing fuel on a fire. It may open his eyes if you march home and demand that everything become separate, or it may make him feel like dirt and send him on another spending spree to prove you wrong. Can you make it seem like his idea? How bout asking him what HE thinks should be done and trying to steer his thoughts into a well-working plan? These are your finances too, so don’t let him dictate, but with a PA person you’re so much more likely to get results from THEM taking on the control.

Very, very similar to Betsey’s advice to me on handling the ‘come home’ talk with Sting. If I sit at that table and say, “you’ll have to renew the commitment, you’ll have to make a budget, you’ll have to stay home if you come, etc” then I was just saying, “I’m in control, you are not. Deal with it”. PA people hear differently. They filter it through a voice distorter or something and wind up with a totally different message than the one we’re trying to deliver.