I think there are different ways you can interpret interfering in the other parent's relationship with the kids.
I advocate letting go of that rope because it was not my place to sooth feelings by covering them up or making excuses or... whatever. I made sure that *I* was the parent who the girls could count on, and that was all I could manage to do back then. They were 5 and 8 when their dad moved out, and in the beginning, he was a total a*hole and decided not to show up to a few events that I guess he figured was more important to me than them. I think he really got this when he decided not to show up to my then D9's award ceremony; her feelings were crushed. I didn't make excuses for him and I just told her that her dad didn't get in touch with me and she should talk to him about it.
She did. She lit him up like a Christmas tree. I think it was a pivotal moment for him, because he apologized to her and never did it again. It didn't require me to ream him. That would have been more of the same - a total waste of time. But she decided it was important enough to address.
The only way I could combat this passive aggressiveness in my family was to allow nature to run its course. I don't (and didn't) operate in this manner, and I made sure that I honored the commitments I kept. It wasn't rocket science. Besides, it was a great teaching opportunity for her to learn how to discuss things that bother her with others. It's a grown up skill that is never to early to set in motion. It's served her very well too. In fact, it was my mission in life to teach her how to be authentic. She's turning 21 next week and passed that class with flying colors. She's definitely smarter and more adult than I was at her age.
So bdub, what would happen if you teach your kids to address their problems with their mom on their own? Sure, she might reject them. But hasn't she already? Then it's your job to teach them how not to use other people as your own bar for self worth and self confidence.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
