I want her to feel that there's something missing in her life because of the loss of marital intimacy. And I want her a little worried that she might not have a lot of time to make up her mind what to do about it.
And ouch. If it's wrong tell me it's wrong, but it's pretty hard to handle the sarcasm this morning.
Sorry. After having multiple people be pretty damned clear with you yesterday, you get bomb-dropped with the PA news and your response is to be nice to her and get her coffee. So in my opinion, we weren't getting thru to you so I tried the snark to throw cold water on your face.
If you don't want me posting to you, I'd be happy to leave -- you're not really listening anyway, and I really don't want to upset you further. My advice is decidedly NOT for everyone.
-live in an open M -allow a third party to enter the M
Then you turn around and offer her coffee. Do you see the disconnect? It is a Wet Noodle moment...not the quiet, strong, and no-messing-around husband.
It is NOT your job to show her what she's missing out. Just do it. Pull back, go dark, stop being her H for you are not her H since she's turned her affections to another man. Then she will see the contrast.
Be scarce tonight. Get out of the house. Do whatever you need to stay out...go to the local pub or something to occupy your time.
You are not the kind of man that will lie down and lick the lineoum floor. You are a quality man who won't take chit from W.
@Starsky309: I do appreciate the advice. And I really am trying to follow it. Part of the problem is that I haven't even had a chance to read the books yet, so I feel like I'm flying blind here. I'm a pretty conciliatory guy by nature, so a lot of this stuff feels very counter-intuitive.
I hear what you say about me giving her the idea she can still have her cake and eat it too. I will be toning down the pleasantries and upping the unavailability.
@Starsky309: I do appreciate the advice. And I really am trying to follow it. Part of the problem is that I haven't even had a chance to read the books yet, so I feel like I'm flying blind here. I'm a pretty conciliatory guy by nature, so a lot of this stuff feels very counter-intuitive.
I hear what you say about me giving her the idea she can still have her cake and eat it too. I will be toning down the pleasantries and upping the unavailability.
I'm confident you can probably do that, tactically. I guess I'm a little concerned (alarmed?) that it WASN'T what your gut was feeling anyway. Normally, when someone faces what you just faced, we're trying to talk them DOWN off the ledge from being TOO angry . . . with you, I feel like you're just so nonchalant about the nature of the threat your marriage is facing right now.
I don't know. I would get a neighbor a cup of coffee and have a chat so maybe I'm just too friendly generally.
You are getting some amazing advice. You have an opportunity to shake things up in a big way for your W. I'm sure it feels like your world is swirling. Please read back on the advice and follow it.
This neighbor happens to be the neighbor who throws trash in your yard. Lets their pets crap all over your yard. Plays their music loud at all hours of the night. Would you get them coffee?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
