"If you completely end your A and choose to return to our M, I think you'll find that I'm ready and willing to work on any and all issues that led to the breakdown of our M."
W just called before her plane left. She said that I seemed upset and that she was really worried that I was mad at her and was going to leave her. I said we needed to talk when she got home, but that it ought to be in person. She alternated between crying and trying to blame me for making her so upset before her flight, but I stuck to my guns and said we'd need to talk in person. We'll see what happens.
You have had a cram session before taking the test. Some of it you will remember, and more than likely, she'll hit with something to throws you off guard. It will not all get settled right now. Take one issue at a time, as best you can. When in doubt in what to say when she says she loves you........say nothing.
Let her bawl her eyes out. She is going to use every trick in the book. Crying and acting surprised that something might be "wrong with you"? All part of the course.
I just love it when the WW asks the H, "Is something wrong?". One word answers, I think, works well. B/c she is not going to listen to any in-depth discussions right now. Her brain is spinning. That is a good thing ! Keep "her" off guard.
I think when a WW makes an outlandish statement or question, the best answer (until you get better grounded) is to say, "Really?".
When she bursts into tears, you give her an incredulous look and say, "Really"!
When she says ILY, you give the same look and say, Really"!
When she says you seem upset, you do the same. "Really"!
I don't think you need to say a lot when she gets home. She'll start asking questions or saying something to feel you out. Not to avoid confrontation or anything like that, but to let her stew and worry about what is about to go down. You can reply with, "What did you really expect"?
I don't know if the others agree or not, but I see no problem if you want to leave her standing there and say you are going out. Then turn off your phone and go get a room for the night. Either that, or tell her to get out. (Don't worry, I don't mean permanently, but she doesn't have to know it.)
She needs the mess shocked out of her. I'm serious. The fastest turn-arounds I have seen has been when the H would not even try to discuss anything with her and got the heck out of Dodge. It would cause the WW to forget about OM and all that was on her mind was getting her H back at any cost. She suddenly finds herself as the WAS. I really believe men lose a precious window of time by "talking". She is not prepared, yet, to hear any of it.
This is not the usual advice given by DBers, it's just my own. I guarantee you it would have yanked my tail around fast if my LBH had done that very thing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Still processing from last night. The quick notes are that I confronted W with my boundary statements:
1) I am not willing to live in an open marriage 2) I am not willing to live in a marriage where my partner is having an affair 3) If W was willing to completely end A, cut off contact with OM, go transparent and come with me to counselling then I was prepared to work on any and all issues that led to the breakdown of the marriage.
I told W she needed to decide what she wanted to do with her life.I told her that she could have some space and time to make a decision, but my boundaries were clear and I would not be participating in our marriage as long as she was still in an affair.
W cried and told me I was a good man, and she was so sorry for hurting me etc. She that considered her real life to be with me and S4 and that she was so scared of losing us. She said the A was a fantasy that had grown out of control. She confirmed it had started out as an EA when we were both burning the candle at both ends during our academic programs, but it has now progressed to a PA.
But she did not promise to end the A. And we left it at that for the night. I checked her phone this morning and she'd definitely been texting with OM after I was asleep, though she'd clearly erased the bulk of the messages.
Today I was friendly, got her a coffee, talked a bit about work and then left. Tonight I'm going to head out for a run and then maybe meet up with some friends for a beer later.
This is not the usual advice given by DBers, it's just my own. I guarantee you it would have yanked my tail around fast if my LBH had done that very thing.
It's mine, too. Totally agree. Not only has it been my observation and experience that this has the best chance of success, but it's also how I got my Valentine back.
Today I was friendly, got her a coffee, talked a bit about work and then left.
Totally the wrong move. Your WORDS spoken above said "I will not live in an open marriage." Your ACTIONS this morning have her thinking perhaps you will.
She confirms that she's been having sex with this guy, and your first action the next morning is to be friendly and get her coffee??
You should treat her like you would the neighbor -- civil, even courteous. But no filling of ENs.
Unless your plan was to contrast the gesture of the coffee with going out tonite (and maybe STAYING out, overnight, as Sandi suggested) you have sent ENTIRELY the wrong message.
xo