The Owl and the Pussycat

[Lyrael]

Myrrh! I am glad I happened to be bored and lurking around tonight…usually the BB is something I stick to at work!

I truly have never been so glad to see you, Mer.

Sweetie…my H more than occasionally goes on spending sprees. I know all too well what the feelings are like when you’re trying to be responsible and he’s…well…not. Sting, and it sounds like your H too, says whatever I want to hear. That makes it worse because it plays with the trust side of the relationship. Myrrh, I am looking at a 4 f-ing THOUSAND dollar credit card bill that I never even knew about!

BONK, BONK - well, at least mine isn't the only one...

As far as how to deal…that is a tough one. If it makes it any easier not to hate him, I would try looking at his issue with money and lack of responsibility as a struggle for him to overcome.

Like my issue with wanting to break his knees? Oh, wait, that's different...

Granted, he has to WANT to overcome it and WORK at overcoming it…but we know that yelling and screaming and tearing his nuts off doesn’t exactly motivate him.

OMG - I am actually LAUGHING. It's a miracle! Although, are you sure tearing his nuts off might not make him want to change a little?


Can you slow down, take a deep breath and look at this from a strickly rational perspective?

Hehe - yeah sure - right after I put away this nutcracker...

What does motivate your H?

Mitsubishi 3000GT's - even ones with dents in the hood and smashed in headlights that have to be hauled from Cleveland...seriously - I will have to think about this one.


If you can take what makes him tick and work that into a spending plan, you might just hit the nail on the head. That is my current plan of attack with Sting. It is harder now, because everything is separate. But, Betsey and I have explored the need to motivate Sting on my levels…not just spending habits.

So what works for Sting? I asked Dustin in a moment of desperation tonight what he was working towards in his life, and he said "being able to do what I want and have that support my family". How's that for descriptive? Okay, so whaddya want to do? Strip? Sell smuggled guns? Be a coke dealer? Teach macrame classes at the local community center? Throw me a frickin bone here, people.

Myrrh, if your H is ADD and PA…you know how he deals with things. He doesn’t! SO maybe there is some underlying depression, fear, anxiety, etc that he feels like he’s overcoming by spending money. Yes, he does make more problems in the long run…but isn’t that the motto of PA’s???

Truthfully, I think not having the money to buy the toys he wants makes him feel like less of a man, and instead of working harder, he just buys them anyway. After all, if he can buy whatever he wants, there isn't a problem, right?

In the meantime, and this isn’t easy, what you might want to try is hiding money. Yes, it sucks and it seems very wrong…but truthfully – it might be enough to calm your nerves. We aren’t exactly rolling in cash either, but I found that increasing my 401k deduction meant that I had more money saved without even seeing it in my check. And I can borrow against my 401k should a true emergency arise. I haven’t had to do it yet, but I know that if something happens and I go to take the money out of a savings account and find it gone – I have a back up plan. That lowers MY anxiety and consequently, my crazymaking.

The truth of the matter is, I WANT to do this, but I need some of his help with the bills - I need to go and open a SEPARATE checking account, and until he is ready, not worry about the joint stuff (he's more of a Cashman anyway)

I guess all I’m saying throughout this prattling is that we need to find out what kind of a high spending brings him, what motivates him to change behaviors and how to protect your family financially in the meantime. I’m still working on this with my H, but you have more opportunity to see what works with your H living at home. Any thoughts?

I think part of this crap is because he bid on this at the shop and it absolutely KILLS him to admit that he doesn't have as much money as his partner does (he has two jobs and the tattooing brings in a HELL of a lot more money than the piercing...and his partner tends to rub it in sometimes, I think.