So just an update. Yesterday afternoon I had a mtg with my IC. I told her how I was doing good on my NC for about 10 days, how my WAW blew up my phone with texts last Friday very angry and calling my ignoring her as my was of controlling and trying to manipulate the situation. I let her know of the blow-up Sunday when W came over and that I had stupidly texted her this week about being sad over Valentines Day and such.
She had been very happy that I had made progress on the NC and although I had mis-haps this past week I was still doing better than previously. She encouraged me to not text her about anything other than kids, not share feelings etc.
She had an interesting point of view which I don't know whether is reality or not. She said that W and I were very co-dependant and my attempts to NC and to distance/detatch from W was me trying to break out of the codependancy loop/circle. She said when this happens, the other person who is co-dependant does whatever they can to pull the person back into the circle. She felt the angry texts, the coming over and arguing, etc...was exactly this. Tha W is very co-dependant on me which is also why she wants to be friends and says things like spending time together and having our significant others around also...
This also sounds much like the "dance" that is discussed where one pulls back and the other then reaches out. There may be manny similarities, maybe it's all the same thing, or maybe it's different...idk.
She says W has been taking advantage of my love for her and working it to her advantage for a couple years now. That she would like nothing better than to see other people and still have me in her life as a friend. That she doesn't want to break the codependancy she has on me, that we have on each other. That it is a way for her to reduce the feelings of guilt and validate tha her actions are justified and OK.
She gave me the name of a L, I had asked her about finding one. She is actually encouraging me to file D as she said the W is perfectly fine never having the D and just acting like we are already D which will never let me completely break away and move forward. I have very mixed feelings about this as to me the D means giving up forever..maybe it shouldn't mean that to me. I also feel badly that I think she wants me to file so she can tell people I D'd her and then everything she's done is somehow OK as it's on me. I do not want a D, I want us. I feel me filing is me selling out and giving her what she wants. She should have to live with people's judgements in my mind, why should she get off easy when this is what she is bringing about herself and our family.
Anyway, I plan on contacting the L and talking about the situation and getting advice as I have been given this input early on in my thread and need to take this step. It just makes me sad as although I know it doesn't mean we have to D, it does hurt my feelings to recognize we are at this point.
W is picking kids up tonight from daycare and has them from 6-10 for a friends Bday party. I am going to try to stay busy with kids tomorrow and will do my best to keep W out of my mind but admit it's going to be difficult with it being V Day. My IC has told me a few times that W has to go down this path and she needs to live with her decisions and it's very sad as she's met us both and feels W is is a dark downward spiral and may eventually come to grips with what she has and is doing. She tells me that there are tons of women that would just love to have a caring and sensitive man like me and that a majority of men would have given up and moved on with D a very long time ago but it speaks to the love I have for my W and family and the character and values I have.
Idk about all of this as I certainly have very low self esteem right now. I had never ever envisioned living in a broken family or eventually having another person in my life and my kids lives. I know I am nowhere ready for that and have a hard time feeling that I would ever find someone that could truly love me and that I could truly love. It sounds so far fatched that I can't believe it could ever be.
She said she understood my reason for wanting to move further away but wants me to wait just a bit and get myself in a healthier state and not make a rash decision to move just yet. She does want me to continue to take alternative routes and even shop at different stores, etc....to ensure I don't have to worry about running into W.
I just wanted to share where I am at today. I feel pretty teary today even as I write this and long for the day when my tears dry up and my thoughts of W go away or at least no longer become emotional.
If you have any comments, suggestions, advice, feel free. I did order the No More Mr. Nice guy, and the Codependant no more books as I've seen those both recommended and I thinkn they both fit my situation so hopefully I can take some information from those and apply it to my life.
Now work until 4 or so and I am free until 10 when kids are dropped back off. I have no plans as of now but don't want to just sit at the house. Happy Friday everyone.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
