The Owl and the Pussycat

[Meredith]

Myrrh! I am glad I happened to be bored and lurking around tonight…usually the BB is something I stick to at work!

Sweetie…my H more than occasionally goes on spending sprees. I know all too well what the feelings are like when you’re trying to be responsible and he’s…well…not. Sting, and it sounds like your H too, says whatever I want to hear. That makes it worse because it plays with the trust side of the relationship. Myrrh, I am looking at a 4 f-ing THOUSAND dollar credit card bill that I never even knew about! My darling H plays around with MY credit and then lies about it. So, if it is commiseration you’re looking for…you’ve found it!

As far as how to deal…that is a tough one. If it makes it any easier not to hate him, I would try looking at his issue with money and lack of responsibility as a struggle for him to overcome. Granted, he has to WANT to overcome it and WORK at overcoming it…but we know that yelling and screaming and tearing his nuts off doesn’t exactly motivate him. Can you slow down, take a deep breath and look at this from a strickly rational perspective? What does motivate your H?

If you can take what makes him tick and work that into a spending plan, you might just hit the nail on the head. That is my current plan of attack with Sting. It is harder now, because everything is separate. But, Betsey and I have explored the need to motivate Sting on my levels…not just spending habits.

Myrrh, if your H is ADD and PA…you know how he deals with things. He doesn’t! SO maybe there is some underlying depression, fear, anxiety, etc that he feels like he’s overcoming by spending money. Yes, he does make more problems in the long run…but isn’t that the motto of PA’s???

In the meantime, and this isn’t easy, what you might want to try is hiding money. Yes, it sucks and it seems very wrong…but truthfully – it might be enough to calm your nerves. We aren’t exactly rolling in cash either, but I found that increasing my 401k deduction meant that I had more money saved without even seeing it in my check. And I can borrow against my 401k should a true emergency arise. I haven’t had to do it yet, but I know that if something happens and I go to take the money out of a savings account and find it gone – I have a back up plan. That lowers MY anxiety and consequently, my crazymaking.

I guess all I’m saying throughout this prattling is that we need to find out what kind of a high spending brings him, what motivates him to change behaviors and how to protect your family financially in the meantime. I’m still working on this with my H, but you have more opportunity to see what works with your H living at home. Any thoughts?