I still remember that trip I took to see H when he was in the middle of NC, we're not right for each other, you're not good for me (and that was the truth - I hadn't been. Almost identical to Labugs quote you highlighted.) We were sitting beside each other at the bar, and god bless his friend for the drinks he was sending our way...but I couldn't stand it, and I said, laughing, I just want to touch you...he leaned over and was really playful about turning his head for a kiss on the cheek. And it just got easier from there, despite all the protests he was still giving verbally about why we shouldn't be together. I'm a stubborn b$&**.
You asked me earlier about how I indicated I was ready to move on. When things were more hostile from him in a letter I responded that I heard what he was saying and would accept it. I believed that though too, which I think is a strong core of DB, working on yourself and knowing you'll be ok. I told his friend, not realizing he was going to pass on my responses - I was leaving the door cracked but I had to start moving on. At a diner During the trip I let him know I'd seen a D lawyer tho it wasn't my preference. And that was a heavier convo anyway...tgat trip was business and bc of that, we sat there talking like two M adults dealing with the brink. I told him I did need him. This was a 180 from all my cursed independence, and it was the truth - it was vulnerable in that it put me in a very weak spot but told him how much he mattered to me. I did this without desperation and with dignity. When we talked about changes we'd have to make, sometimes I'd point out that they were for me, and would help the next relationship I was in whether it was our M or not.
You said you'd blamed your H for everything and he sat there and took it. This is why I think it's key you let him know you're taking your responsibility. Just wait for a good time and like you said - respect his pace and desire not to get into it. The key is phrasing which doesn't ask or demand a response if you do a test run.
Your description of last comedy night - yeah, exactly. It might not turn everything around immediately but if it feels In Your gut like it's paving the way, trust that.
Know you'll be ok either way, radiate that peace and balance
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
