Devotion to a dream...

[phunguy]

We ended up talking last night. She came to me I was in the kitchen getting ready to go to my room and said she was sorry. I asked why, she said she didn't want to hurt me and she could see I was hurting. I didn't think I was giving any indication of that, so I'm not sure if she was thinking that because I was not initially talkative or that I was dismissive of her attitude when she came home by not really offering much in the way of discussion. Either way, I asked her if she wanted to talk and she said no.

However, she continued on and we ended up talking for a while. I explained to her that she has every right to be angry with me and I realize that she has seen me as unapproachable and our communication has been practically nonexistent. I listened to her and she maintains that it's over and she doesn't want to work on anything but continued to stress how she doesn't want to hurt me and it's a very hard decision and she doesn't think that things will change. But yet, we talked about the past and I pointed out to her that she may seeing a lot of negative things in that past but we also had a lot of good times and I pointed a few things out to her.

I also told her I realize that she feels things will not change and that is understandable based on the past. How neither of us had put much effort into it the last year or more and that we both just let everything deteriorate. She withdrew and I became more angry and it was a viscous cycle.

Further, that we were both to blame but that it wasn't so far gone that we couldn't work to fix it. She said she knows how I feel(I don't think I begged or pleaded just stated that it could be fixed, would she see this as beg/plead?). I told her if she wants D or S, she can have that, that I want her to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted that I love her no matter what and I will be here for her and give her the time and space she's requested. I also told her I hope that she feels that she can approach me with anything. She said she will approach the sh*t outta me. Not sure what she means by that.

The hard part here is that we seem to have had this conversation 2 or 3 times now. I think I will seek to break this cycle of discussion like this as it seems to be almost scripted. The next time she approaches me I will talk less, shorten my answers. I think the last time we did this little dance she was taken back by some of my questions for her, specifically about divorce, money, and if she had any plans. This was a few days ago, at which time she told me she basically hadn't planned anything.

So here I am.

my 180s
Positive attitude
No anger/angry responses
Listen
Be quiet don't cut her off when she talks
Workout/Run(Already down 7 lbs!)
Help around the house more(cleaning, etc.)
Read and inform myself
GAL - go out with friends do stuff!