21 Years - Walkaway Wife - Please Help!

[staytog]

Gonna put a couple of framed pictures of her and the kids in the package too. She loves her kids and prides herself on being a good mom. Of course she has told me it is about her now, not them... She has said she got them thru high school and now it is her turn to make herself happy. Then she said I know that sounds selfish..

[staytog]

Are walkaway wives generally having midlife crises? Any thoughts on that? I did a little reading at www.midlifeclub.com and got the book. My wife seems to have the symptoms. My daughter said she was dressing "young"

[MrBond]

"Are walkaway wives generally having midlife crises? Any thoughts on that?"

No not all are MLC. There is usually a trigger that sets off an MLC. Death, getting old, new job, etc.

If a WAS was constantly criticized in their marriage, for example, it's not an MLC. It's just a lousy marriage.

[staytog]

Well, I think she would say I was critical, but I think she was overly sensitive on lots of things. It was almost like she took everything in a way I didn't mean it to start a fight. Me going to Federal Prison was the trigger that set her off. She started to have anxiety attacks and got very cold to me. Took off the ring, said she couldn't be with me because of my fighting the government... Now she has changed the story of why she left. She exhibits the signs of MLC as far as I can tell. I finished the book last night.

[staytog]

Tough day... Just because it is Valentine's day. I miss her so much. Have to hang tough. I did text her today and told her "I know how hard you've worked to get where you are (she has worked incredibly hard) today. I admire and respect you for it. I wish you the best and hope all your seatings are sold out! I hope you are having a great day. (I know she is working her ass off today) Happy Valentine's Day"

[25yearsmlc]

Well, I think she would say I was critical, but I think she was overly sensitive on lots of things.

You seem to ask a lot about things that are not really related to the work YOU clearly must do. First off, if SHE would say you are too critical, then you are. Seriously, if she perceives it that way then it's real for her.

Unless you think she's neurotic as heck and you can say NOTHING that will remotely seem negative, then the fact is that your delivery - or the content of your words, is hurtful to her.

Change that or keep doing what you know hurts her, and pay the consequences.

If I were you, I'd stop arguing with her perceptions and begin changing them - by changing your behavior.

I'm very familiar with your political reasons for not wanting to pay your taxes but the thing is, as a wife/mother I NEED to know there will be a roof over my head and food on the table, regardless of my h's political views. In HER HEART she may feel you put your opinions and beliefs over their welfare

and let's face it, you did exactly that. She was abandoned by you when you went to jail. You are glossing over it as if you played no role in it. You are not the big victim in this scenario; in fact I'd argue that she sees herself and the kids as the biggest victims, by far.

I don't think you can really call yourself the LBS and her the WAW in some ways, and I hope you understand that HER Point of view matters a lot more than the defenses you are putting up.

Meaning, you need to grasp HER Point of view about your behavior and what her fears are of reconciling with you. How can she not fear that you'll do the same thing again?


It was almost like she took everything in a way I didn't mean it to start a fight. Me going to Federal Prison was the trigger that set her off.


No offense, okay? I mean, I know you are hurting and this just sukks big time.

but you need some more clarity. OF COURSE you going to prison triggered anger in her! I'd be furious and deeply wounded and for me it would likely be a huge unforgivable deal breaker.

You can't go to jail and say you have also been a great h and father at the same time. This is a HUGE HUGE just gigantic error on your part and I don't get that you see this very clearly.

You seem to feel like you are the victim and regardless of your view of the crime you were convicted/incarcerated for,

the harm your actions did to your family is enormous. I think she sounds like a very loyal woman to have supported you throughout your ordeal.

ALSO she told you that you drank too much (which has to be why she urged you to go to AA) but you ignored that request. She asked you to enroll in family therapy and you have hemmed and hawed here about it and bypassed the simple fact that SHE asked you do it. You didn't.

All you seem to focus on is whether it'll further YOUR personal goals. Notice a pattern?


She started to have anxiety attacks and got very cold to me. Took off the ring, said she couldn't be with me because of my fighting the government...


Now she has changed the story of why she left. She exhibits the signs of MLC as far as I can tell. I finished the book last night.

She is not changing it, she's adding to it. Plus, our feelings and views are often evolving in an ebb and flow way.

Now, please, You must STOP and hear what I am going to tell you now.

You are at a crossroads. You can continue on a path of self improvement and taking responsibility for some very misguided actions on YOUR end, and OWN Them for real, and maybe get your family back,

OR you can begin to focus on what is "wrong" with your wife. She SAID you are critical and man, I have to tell you that it comes thru loud and clear HERE on this site...

imo, there are many valid reasons your wife has, for not wanting to remain married to you

The tax problems sounds as if they'll come back again b/c you have no remorse for it and seem to think you are right, so why wouldn't you do it again?

And the alcohol problem was something you are not really admitting, as you only attended AA b/c of prison, but now you "like going" (but recall that you never did it when SHE asked)

and you blew off counseling when she asked as well, b/c hey, YOU don't have big problems, right?

AND

she thinks you cheated b/c you behaved, at best, very inappropriately AND more than once, AND with her best friend.


So you want to talk about HER MLC? Really?

You think that your energy should be spent on how SHE can improve and what "Phase" she might be in? Nothing about YOU here, that can use some work, right?


Think some more. I think you are going to backslide big time if you dont' get back on track to doing YOUR WORK, ON YOU...and only you.

Make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

"Are walkaway wives generally having midlife crises? Any thoughts on that?"

No not all are MLC. There is usually a trigger that sets off an MLC. Death, getting old, new job, etc.

If a WAS was constantly criticized in their marriage, for example, it's not an MLC. It's just a lousy marriage.

Please take this 2 x 4 in the spirit in which it is sent, which is the hope I can wake you up.

I think maybe she's having a break down after the enormity of her situation hit her. AND OR Maybe she needs some space to herself, since she has been a single mom the whole time you were gone, with humiliating social aspects to the situation that did not bother you, but bothered her,

( I bet your kids were not thrilled with the media coverage either. The way you dismissed it in your post b/c it was not important to you, troubles me)

AND she faced huge financial troubles not of her making

AND is now working 80 hours a week....

gee, maybe that's^^ not easy... If I were you, I would want to ease her burdens and make her life easier. NO, I don't think an MLC makes any sense here.

MLCs are changes in a spouse - that are NOT explainable by external factors.

In your situation, I'd say there are several huge factors that could explain why she feels different about the marriage than you.

I think it's telling that you'd avoid looking at what seems so obvious, and would rather "blame" or label her as the one with some "MLC" issues.

SIGH...

You said you had a coaching session. I'm guessing your DB coach had useful advice. Why not share some of your 180s and goals and GAL here?

Put your energy into DBing more, and not so much labeling her.

Besides, your course of action would remain the same anyhow, so regardless of your thoughts on what is going on in her life,

you have your own path to walk.

How is that going?

[MrBond]

Seriously? I can't believe you think her actions are a result of a MLC. It's almost like you can't believe that her actions were a result of things that you did and that it's all her. Almost seems like you're shifting blame and responsibility from you to her. Like your stance about not wanting to pay taxes. You disagree with it, so you think it's everyone else's fault but your own.

These are the reasons why your M failed:

"I refused to go to AA"
"looked into marriage counselors but got frustrated trying to find one and never picked one"
"and went to church with her a couple times but she wanted to start going to a catholic church, but I refused."
"She was very embarrassed being in the town we lived in, my conviction was on the front page of most newspapers and she felt people were talking. That stuff never bothered me."

This all seems very self centered to me. That's why she left.

I know you said that you're going to AA which is great, BUT you haven't changed your attitude.