My wife started a new job last year. At her new job she works with mostly Hispanic men. Last October I started noticing changes in her behavior. She was being verbally abusive to our oldest (who looks a lot like me). She changed her musical tastes to salsa/pop music. She started spending more time getting ready for work. She also became very protective of her cell phone. And started learning Spanish.
November 2014: BD1. We had a fight that seemed over nothing. She was trying to be intimate with me and I was fast asleep. This has happened to both of us before and we had an understanding that this was common. She accused me of being gay (along with a lot of other things). However, we both agreed to go to IC and work on things.
November 2014-December 2014: More coldness from her until BD2 (12/14/2014). She said she was unhappy in our M and needed space and time to figure things out. I never got the ILYB speech, but it was close. From that point on until the weekend after Christmas, I broke several of the 37 rules. Presents, crying, begging, reasoning, reassurances, "I love you's"...none of it worked. She moved into the spare bedroom on Christmas Eve.
January 2015: Eventually I convinced her to go to MC. Mainly because of our house situation. But she said she didn't see how it was going to help. After the first session, I told her that I was going to fight for our M and she blew up at me. Blaming all of the M problems on me. Before the second session I tried empathy. She seemed to lighten up a bit. But during the second session she said she was moving forward with the D.
February 2015: After doing some detective work (and with some insight from fellow DB'ers), I am pretty sure she is having an EA/Fantasy with a guy from her work. No solid evidence yet. But I did discover a secret email and FB account. This FB account has no friends, posts, or likes. But it did have searches of two guys from her work. I also found pictures on her phone of a guy at her work. I was unable to determine if the guy in the pics are one of the guys from the FB search. So far the phone and text records are clear.
She has also stopped wearing her wedding ring.
Currently: No more discussion on the D. I have been applying the rules and trying to GAL (took a boxing class this week). We still talk and sometimes eat meals together. Most of the talk is small talk and I let her initiate it. We rarely text or talk on the phone unless it is dinner plans or kid related.
She is becoming more secretive about her work. She doesn't wear perfume to work, but she takes it with her. She's more obsessive about the salsa music. So much so that our kids have noticed. She's also still protective of her phone, but has gotten a little sloppy and I have been able to get access to it.
I am still seeing my IC but the W has stopped.
She rarely goes out, but I just got a text that she wants to go out with a friend next weekend.
Other than "following the rules" and "GALing," what is your current PLAN? Have you set any sort of internal deadlines for yourself as to next steps? What is your wife's current understanding of what your position is?
Other than "following the rules" and "GALing," what is your current PLAN? Have you set any sort of internal deadlines for yourself as to next steps? What is your wife's current understanding of what your position is?
thanks,
Starsky
I guess my only real plan is to try to set as much money aside that I can. No big purchases. But no plan though. Suggestions? I still haven't picked up the DR book yet. I plan to this weekend.
I told my wife that I don't want to D, but I understand her position. Maybe not the best choice of words.
As for as the EA/PA goes, what should I do when it is confirmed? I thought about sending a message to the OM's W. Or contacting my W's work (I a sure it is frowned upon). Should I confront my W?
But no plan though. Suggestions? I still haven't picked up the DR book yet.
YES -- read Divorce Remedy!!! You'll be much more able to ask us specific questions on here about the techniques that way, and we can better help.
Might wanna plan disappearing for a few hours tonite or tomorrow night, with only "I'm going out -- I won't be late." Look good, smell good (new cologne), be mysterious.
Only if it's in context (she uses the "D-word" first). Example:
WW: "This is never going to work! I still want a divorce, you know!"
BH: (calmly) "Do what you feel you need to do. That's still not what I want, but I hear you when you say that you want that, and I certainly am not going to keep living in an open marriage."
When the betrayed spouse initiates its use, it can look like a tactic or a grand pronouncement. It's also very disrespectful to the marriage for it to be thrown around casually, so I generally don't like to overruse it. Trust me, she remembers.
)