This can't be the end! #2

[Barry]

Hi all, not checked in for a couple of days.

Thanks Mozza. I don't 100% agree with your take on my post...however I can see what you're saying. It really isn't my intention to speak ill of my W, turn the kids against her, ridicule her, or blame her for the S. The reason I asked the kids to keep the conversation to themselves is that it will antagonise the sitch if they said it to her...I know how it sounds.
I didn't say it to them in the harsh manner that it's been portrayed in your post.

To pick up on a couple of your comments that you think are harsh on my W, but which I think are acceptable to say..

The "reality" of things is that there IS a way for my W to have her independance whilst also NOT destroying her R of 22 years, she only need talk to me about it so we can find and hopefully agree on a solution.

She DOES want to be 18 again. She is wanting to revert to a younger version of herself physically and mentally. I didn't ridicule her desire to improve her appearence, what I told the kids was that I understood WHY she wants to do that, there just isn't the best part of £10,000 of disposable cash to do that. If this goes badly for our M, the money would be suddenly there. As I said, it's not that I think this is at the forefront of W's mind, it maybe more a sub-concious thought.
It may not be in her thoughts at all...I was, and am mind-reading here.

The S is NOT her fault entirely. Yes, she instigated it and I had to go along with it as it was going to happen anyway. How we got to this stage is as much my fault (maybe more so?) than hers and I have told the kids that. It's true that I'm not the one giving up, she is.
This isn't to paint her in a bad light, just to show them that I think that a R is worth fighting for rather than throwing the towel in because you don't "feel it" any more.

I don't want them to have to choose between their parents at all. Not now, not ever. I want us to be a family again. However, in the current sitch, that looks unlikely. I don't want any of them thinking that I don't want to live with them - particularly because I moved out and am now the one not in the family unit. They understand why I did that, and they know that I'm not happy about it purely because I don't get to see them much. I miss them all, including my W.

All that being said, I do say "but", and "I'm just" a lot. I do see how it comes across in my communication, not necessarily here but in the "real world" too. The way I have communicated to my W has been a real problem for a while now. I'm really only starting to realise the effects of it now...now that it may be too late to change.

I had my session with my IC yesterday. She seems nice enough. It's in her home and is a comfortable setting. Obviously, as it was the first session, she wanted to know what had brought me to her so I went through my story from the beggining. As it was time limited, it forced me to not get hung up on some of the smaller details and I established a quite accurate account (from my perspective) of things over the last 2 years. She asked me what it was I hoping to get out of my sessions? I said that I'm hoping for practical solutions to change my behaviour so that I feel better about myself, am able to communicate better, and don't feel so depressed all the time. Ultimatly, I want to R with my W so anything that can help me prepare for that, or indeed help me cope with the devastation should that not happen, I will find helpful.

I've now finished DB (I re-read it and highlighted lots of parts as I'm sure many here have done). I found much of it makes so much sense, and that I've been doing so many things wrong - both lately and throughout my M. I wish I'd have read it years ago.
I have DR and NMMNG on order and will get started on them as soon as possible.

I've removed all social media apps from my phone, WhatsApp, FB, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram (my kids are on all these!) really so the temptation to snoop can't be acted on so easily. It really isn't helping me in detaching as last weekend's fiasco proved. Any of my close friends wouldn't contact me on those platforms anyway so I'm not missing out on any GAL activities. I haven't been to the house since last weekend apart from to get some post.

Had a small amount of text contact with W over the last couple of days about kids, finances etc. I know it's pursuit but I did ask her to think about an evening out with me. Not to talk about our R, for me to get upset, or to re-hash over all the things we have already said. I'm aware that it'll be difficult but I just want to take a baby step in having a meal, going bowling, ice skating, anything she wants to do so that we can get together and hopefully have a laugh or two without feeling the pressure of having to discuss anything. I've been terrible for this up to now. I've found it hard not to talk about the M, or not to get upset. I know I can't do this any more if there is to be ANY chance of us starting something new.

She said she didn't know, she would think about it and let me know....at least it wasn't a flat out no! I've left the ball in her court.

I'm out for a meal with D15 and her boyfriend tonight (never did meet up for that coffee from last week). I've booked a nice restaurant locally which we can walk to. No major plans for the weekend apart from visiting the gym. I will be making lists this weekend of what worked when we got on, and what didn't, 180's, and generally preparing myself for the start of a new stage in this sitch. The start of me doing what I should be (DB'ing) instead of me doing more of the same!

I just hope it's not too late.

Barry.