Oh, Susana! (3)

[susana4]

When we try to control another person they will either fight back or flee. I am not saying that your H's behaviors were appropriate. I can see why it would bother you. It sounds as if he didn't care about how much work you put into preparing a meal for him and you. The good thing is that you are seeing it now. If it was to happen again how would you handle it differently?

I also jumped to the conclusion that he didn't care how much effort I put in but perhaps I should give him the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps he didn't understand how much effort I put in and how important it was. He'd often say "don't worry, go ahead and eat without me and I'll eat the leftovers when I'm back." Which would have been fine if I made a simple dish, but when I was creating a really elaborate meal I wanted to share it with him and eat together! I think for me it was about the sharing. He does always tell me how much he loves my food and how lucky he is to eat my cooking.

Looking at his family, his mother is extremely conflict avoidant (self professed) and growing up he had little to no rules or boundaries, he had no curfew and was not expected to be back for dinner even. I witnessed this once when we were visiting, his mum spent 4 hours making a huge roast dinner and not one of her kids turned up on time and when everyone arrived she pointed out the dinner was cold. To me, she seemed quite hurt but didn't say it outright, but H insisted she doesn't take things personally and wouldn't be upset.

If it was to happen again how would you handle it differently?
Well, it's happened a few times since BD. I'm realising more and more I need to do things for me, so now I go ahead and eat dinner on my own and enjoy it and just say to myself "too bad he missed a really nice dinner".

But if we were to R, I think I would suggest having one or two designated nights a week where we'd eat dinner together and I'd cook something elaborate (I really love cooking, it's a passion of mine), and the other nights we could just have simple meals, either together if we got home at the same time or separately if either of us went out.