Oh, Susana! (3)

[susana4]

I had a really good call with DB coach the other night, so I'm jotting down my notes here so I don't forget and to be accountable for doing these things

-Check in with H, I can have a convo about a serious topic that's not related to the M but is emotional. Might help to name the emotion since he has problems identifying his emotions. e.g. "How's that stressful situation at work?" "What about the sad situation with your sister?"
-When validating I noticed sometimes I'll say "that must be [emotion]" and he'll say "no, it wasn't." She says I can follow up with "how did that make you feel?" Or, that it might help to validate by phrasing it as a question instead of a statement, e.g. "was that frustrating?"
-Active listening: I'm going to practice this more. Stay focused on him when he's talking, tune in, just listen, look in the eyes.
-He'd often get annoyed if he came home and I was in a bad mood. I'd often get angry if he came home late. She pointed out that he may have been triggered if he came home and I was angry because of the domestic violence in his home as a child, and this would lead him to feel unsafe. (Yikes! Good insight though)
-Quality time: it's good to be friends. Suggest an activity in a non-pressuring way, like "I'm thinking of going to do [activity], and wondered if you might want to come?" or even "Does doing [activity] sound interesting?"
-We practiced being upbeat if he says no (I will say "ok, I'm going to go. Hope you have a good afternoon, see you later!")
-He's hypersensitive to my moods and it makes it hard to fake a PMA if I'm not feeling it; he can always tell exactly what I feel and I don't understand why and he often asks if I'm upset or mad at him. She pointed out that growing up in an abusive household he probably became hypervigilant to others' emotions and can pick up if I'm angry even if I hide it. She suggested continuing what I'm doing ("no, I'm not angry, I'm ok" - in an upbeat tone) and then adding "how are you doing? are you OK?"
-Next DB coaching call, our goal will be working out a way to successfully resolve a conflict. She says I'll likely need to guide him through it, e.g. "I'm here with you, we'll get through this without hurting each other." I think this would be extremely helpful as one of his big complaints was that we argued too much, and he has a fear of conflict. For now, I've been avoiding any and all conflict, but it would be good for him to know conflict is OK sometimes.