Oh, Susana! (3)

[Train]

Susana,

I don't think there's a thing wrong with an occasional, a-little-more-than-neighborly-friendly text to H. In fact, I liked how you texted him about the sandwich shop ... IF you had stopped it after his response to that. See what I mean? That's a quick and easy way to make your H think about you in a positive way. It's no different than you being light and breezy in front of H when he's home; pay him a compliment - in PASSING - and walk away with a smile on your face and a pep in your step, for instance. Don't stick around for a conversation or a reply.

As for today's text? My sitch was, as you know, far different than yours. But my rule of thumb was that I *always* responded to specific questions H sent; I just did it in my own time and usually not immediately after he texted me. Because, after all, I was a busy gal, GAL and enjoying my freedom.

I imagine you've already responded to H. But the next time he asks a question like that, I would reply with a chipper - but not lengthy or specific - "Yes! It's going great! Hope you're having a ball - can't wait to see your video!" Or something similar. And leave it at that.

[Train]

Also: see how these actions - being light and breezy and confident - will show your H that you're working on being more positive? That will have far more impact than telling him you're making changes.

Men, especially, tend to be more action-oriented. I think you have a golden opportunity to really knock one of your 180s out of the ballpark with some actions that will show H you're now being more upbeat and positive.

[susana4]

Thank you Train! I hadn't actually replied... Had a really busy day and forgot about the text. (Really was GAL, ha!) I saw your reply in time and I basically wrote that. Thanks!

Yeah I see what you mean. I should have left it after the first text. And I was definitely not trying to start R talk (I don't want it either) but I can see how it might be construed that way. But I also see how it could detract from upbeat chats.
I think the problem was I thought about it and it was too much like trying to show him my changes. So yes, stick with actions.

The first text was genuine so that's probably why it came across better. I just laughed when I saw the sandwich shop flyer and knew H would also find it amusing.

squiggy - I haven't brought up my changes in convo at all till now so I don't know how he'd react. I've just been sticking with lighthearted chats (I'll usually tell funny stories from my day), asking about his day, talking about his work, or telling about my day.

[susana4]

Susana,

You're getting a lot of advice, some conflicting.
DB to me is about:

Healing the broken parts of ourselves so that we can be our best self.
Feeding our relationships in the places they need it.
Being strong, self-loving, self-respecting so that is exactly what we project.
Not playing games. Being true to ourselves, and accepting the other person where they are without anger or judgement.
Pursuit of the relationship says you're not listening to their reality.
Doing what is good for us first. Putting the oxygen mask on in that way.
Stop doing things that don't work.
Make the changes you need to - for yourself first, and demonstrate them.
Validating in the spirit of unconditional love.

All of that looks different for each and everyone of us. Our situations are similar, but no two people here have the same relationship. You know in your heart what made you and H tick, and what probably destroyed you guys.

In DR, I read the chapter about Carol and Dean almost daily, to see what strong DB looks like when things seem desperate. It helped me a lot.

For practical matters of texts, emails...keep it light, infrequent. Your mental health first!

Hugs. That door is open. Hang back a bit and keep thinking, working on you.

Thanks Z. I really like your list. It is a bit confusing sometimes with conflicting advice (I get drawn in all different directions), so at that point it's probably time to reflect and introspect. That's a great list of principles to keep in mind.

I just reread the chapter with Carol and Dean. Think I will earmark that too!

That door is open. Hang back a bit and keep thinking, working on you. - I think this is where I have been struggling, I just worry if I hang back too much the door will close completely.

[susana4]

Also: see how these actions - being light and breezy and confident - will show your H that you're working on being more positive? That will have far more impact than telling him you're making changes.

Men, especially, tend to be more action-oriented. I think you have a golden opportunity to really knock one of your 180s out of the ballpark with some actions that will show H you're now being more upbeat and positive.

That's true, H is not really a words person, he's much more action- and 'fix it' oriented like a lot of guys. But I think especially so as a computer geek!

One of my friends remarked today how I seemed much happier than in a long time. So, maybe it is noticeable without actually saying it!

[susana4]

I think now understand why people do NC. This week's been pretty peaceful with H away (and not speaking for a few days until my text fiasco). I felt like I had the time and space to focus on working on myself. I'm actually a bit nervous about him coming back tomorrow and I'm not really sure what to expect.

Will just try and stay positive. And so in that spirit, my
GAL Plans:

Tomorrow: Roller disco or dinner
Saturday: belly dancing class a.m. Evening: going to see a band (my friend invited me because he thought I should get out on Valentine's Day, but he's pre-warned me it's his friend's band and they are awful, lol)
Sunday: yoga class a.m. Evening: friend's bday dinner, going to a Turkish restaurant!
Monday: will probably have a night at home and cook
Tuesday: comedy night
Wednesday: comedy night w/ H (guess this doesn't count as GAL)

^^somehow I'm going to 2 comedy nights in a row?! Don't know how that happened! But I guess I'll get plenty of laughter this week

[susana4]

I had a really good call with DB coach the other night, so I'm jotting down my notes here so I don't forget and to be accountable for doing these things

-Check in with H, I can have a convo about a serious topic that's not related to the M but is emotional. Might help to name the emotion since he has problems identifying his emotions. e.g. "How's that stressful situation at work?" "What about the sad situation with your sister?"
-When validating I noticed sometimes I'll say "that must be [emotion]" and he'll say "no, it wasn't." She says I can follow up with "how did that make you feel?" Or, that it might help to validate by phrasing it as a question instead of a statement, e.g. "was that frustrating?"
-Active listening: I'm going to practice this more. Stay focused on him when he's talking, tune in, just listen, look in the eyes.
-He'd often get annoyed if he came home and I was in a bad mood. I'd often get angry if he came home late. She pointed out that he may have been triggered if he came home and I was angry because of the domestic violence in his home as a child, and this would lead him to feel unsafe. (Yikes! Good insight though)
-Quality time: it's good to be friends. Suggest an activity in a non-pressuring way, like "I'm thinking of going to do [activity], and wondered if you might want to come?" or even "Does doing [activity] sound interesting?"
-We practiced being upbeat if he says no (I will say "ok, I'm going to go. Hope you have a good afternoon, see you later!")
-He's hypersensitive to my moods and it makes it hard to fake a PMA if I'm not feeling it; he can always tell exactly what I feel and I don't understand why and he often asks if I'm upset or mad at him. She pointed out that growing up in an abusive household he probably became hypervigilant to others' emotions and can pick up if I'm angry even if I hide it. She suggested continuing what I'm doing ("no, I'm not angry, I'm ok" - in an upbeat tone) and then adding "how are you doing? are you OK?"
-Next DB coaching call, our goal will be working out a way to successfully resolve a conflict. She says I'll likely need to guide him through it, e.g. "I'm here with you, we'll get through this without hurting each other." I think this would be extremely helpful as one of his big complaints was that we argued too much, and he has a fear of conflict. For now, I've been avoiding any and all conflict, but it would be good for him to know conflict is OK sometimes.

[Rick1963]

Those are really good observations by the coach. You remind me soooo much of me and my behaviors. I did the same things. Used to get upset when ex came home late. If she was quiet i used to take personally thinking she was angry at me. After a while she probably felt as if she was walking on egg shells. I assume your H is going through the same. This experience forced me to look at myself and just relax.

[susana4]

Those are really good observations by the coach. You remind me soooo much of me and my behaviors. I did the same things. Used to get upset when ex came home late. If she was quiet i used to take personally thinking she was angry at me. After a while she probably felt as if she was walking on egg shells. I assume your H is going through the same. This experience forced me to look at myself and just relax.

Yeah, I think I just needed to realise that he's not me and his actions shouldn't have affected me so much. We had the same argument a lot. It wasn't that he was coming home later than normal, it was that he refused to name a time when he would be back, if he was going out with his friends. Or, he'd name a time and then he'd be wildly off. I don't mean like 5 or 10 minutes, I mean hours. I couldn't understand what was so hard about coming back at the time he said he'd be back, or texting to say he'd be late. I don't really think my request was that unreasonable but I can see now that me criticising and being angry really didn't help anything. So eventually he started coming back at the time he said he would...but then he just resented me because he felt forced. I actually thought we solved it in the last few months before BD, because I stopped cooking on the nights he went out (my main problem was I'd spend a long time making a meal and then he'd be back a lot later and the food would be cold, or sometimes I'd wait on him to eat myself and just get resentful - not a good cycle). But maybe it was too late at that point.

The weirdest thing is that since BD H has been excellent at texting to say when he'll be home - far better than ever before pre-BD. Maybe it's because I spent a long time thinking about why it upset me so much when he came home unexpectedly and was able to articulate it in a calm way in MC.

[Rick1963]

When we try to control another person they will either fight back or flee. I am not saying that your H's behaviors were appropriate. I can see why it would bother you. It sounds as if he didn't care about how much work you put into preparing a meal for him and you. The good thing is that you are seeing it now. If it was to happen again how would you handle it differently?