Hendrix was a concept easy for me to accept, but what a turn off for my W. All of the needs being rooted in early life stuff. I think he has great insight into what is happening TODAY whether it is based on early childhood or not.
Quote: When your partner starts treating you the way that you long to be treated, you experience a strange combination of pleasure and fear.
AND
"Your existence is in the hands of others, and they will not let you be whole!"
With Michele's approach, this is one of the concepts I have and continue to struggle with. I agree that I am the only one who can make me happy or I should say allow myself to be happy. But I know, in a deeply rooted sense, that I am happiest with my W, both taking care of her and allowing her to "complete me" as Hendrix proffers.
As for your last comment,
Quote: fear of positive change is VERY strong in the WAS, and may interfere with them allowing themselves to reconnect
I think it is true both from the spouse allowing you to change/reconnect and allowing themselves to change/reconnect. Way too much philosophy on only one cup of coffee this Sunday morning.
I think the excercises in the Hendrix book would be a great tool to consider with hubby. I especially like that re-romanticizing excercise. It dovetails so nicely with DBing.
(for those who haven't read that book, it is a step of thinking:
I FEEL most loved when my S does x; I FELT most loved in our early romantic period when my S did x; and also, I WOULD FEEL more loved if my S did x.'
Write down and apply x's. Do this for yourself and your S. It is meant to develop a safety zone by seeing your S as a source of pleasure again, not hurt.)
Myrrh, you see and realize that you have the ability to undermine your hubby's successes. This leads me to believe that you are and will continue to take steps to allow him to come closer to you. This is something for you to acknowledge, but not fear.
Such wisdom you are showing, and positives in your approaches. 'Myrrh, The Wise DBer' has a nice sound to it.
