The Owl and the Pussycat

[TripleJ]

((((((((((Myrrh))))))))))

I hope you are doing okay. I do not know the whole sitch here, but hopefully Mr. Positivity can help out here.

The past happenings in the shop are just that, according to you, in the past. They no longer happen and it seems to me that you have built your trust back up in your H. I do not know what you have talked to your H about today, but I hope you had your best DB face on when you did.

You mentioned that they were THINKING about hiring this girl. Her age may be in question here and I don't know what the child labor laws are in your neck of the woods, but I would politely tell H to investigate this. Not for the sake of what happened in the PAST, but for the sake of their business. This could really damage his business.

I have often told people on the BB here that Fear of theunknown will kill you. This seems to be the case here Myrrh, except you are worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. I undertsand that the thought of this happening may disturb you, but that's what they are right now, thoughts, and thoughts can be eliminated from your mind.

Concentrating on negative "what ifs" is disasterous. What ifs are bad in themselves.

Concentrate on the fact that he is in contact with you. Yes, don't over do it, but he has told you about this and more than likely wanted to get a reaction from you. It is okay to voice your displeasure, but do it in a way that is creative, supportive and DB like.

This is probably what he was looking for when he told you. Instead of you finding out form someone else, he put his trust in you to tell you and give him feedback. This is what it sounds like to me.

Don't look too far into the future Myrrh, remember, fear of the unknown will kill you.

I hope i helped somewhat Myrrh. Go do something to help get the negative thoughts out of your head.

Go to seattle, UDs and my threads lately. there are some gut busting laughs in there.

Hugs to you Myrrh

Triple J

[Lyrael]

The past happenings in the shop are just that, according to you, in the past. They no longer happen and it seems to me that you have built your trust back up in your H.

My H and I have both worked to be able to trust each other again. It has been a long, difficult, and delicate process.

I do not know what you have talked to your H about today, but I hope you had your best DB face on when you did.

I think I did okay. He has a case of that nasty flu I had earlier this week, and is really feeling bad. I threw lots of sympathy his way, and he knows absolutely NOTHING of how scared/freaked out I got. That's quite a switch for me, because I would usually blast whatever emotion I was feeling at him in whatever way I felt like at the time.

You mentioned that they were THINKING about hiring this girl. Her age may be in question here and I don't know what the child labor laws are in your neck of the woods, but I would politely tell H to investigate this. Not for the sake of what happened in the PAST, but for the sake of their business. This could really damage his business.

I actually think I expressed my concerns about this pretty well. My H tends to not say much to me (like "Oh, Myrrh, you are so wise and RIGHT. What was I thinking?" Okay, maybe that's a little unrealistic) but I know he listens, and will think about what I said as long as I don't start nagging at him about it.

I have often told people on the BB here that Fear of theunknown will kill you. This seems to be the case here Myrrh, except you are worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. I undertsand that the thought of this happening may disturb you, but that's what they are right now, thoughts, and thoughts can be eliminated from your mind.

That's very true. This whole stupid thing hasn't even happened yet, and my H hasn't even met this girl yet. Soooo - I think I have said all I need to say for now. I will wait for something to actually happen before say anything else.

Concentrating on negative "what ifs" is disasterous. What ifs are bad in themselves.

And I have the world's most creative imagination.


This is probably what he was looking for when he told you. Instead of you finding out from someone else, he put his trust in you to tell you and give him feedback. This is what it sounds like to me.

Geez, I hope I haven't screwed up - I didn't yell or anything. I was just kind of thrown for a loop when he told me. Like i said, I think I am just going to leave it alone for right now.


I hope i helped somewhat Myrrh. Go do something to help get the negative thoughts out of your head.

Cooking, cleaning, toddler-wrangling, my usual routine should work!

Go to seattle, UDs and my threads lately. there are some gut busting laughs in there.

What would I do without you guys?

Thanks again!
Myrrh

Triple J

[Lyrael]

Okay - here's the nightly update:
Just logged off with H, and yes, the phone is a pumpkin. I was a little grouchy with him tonight, but nothing serious, was still kind and polite and such, just not overly patient.
I said I needed to go to bed, and he said "G;night, I will see you at home later"
And I said " okay drive safe"
He replied, "Not too late at all."
I said ":)" and logged off. Whether he actually comes home a little early or not, I was surprised that he said this, It caught me off guard. What if he really does come home early? The more I accept him, the more it seems he changes...it's weird. But a good weird, not a bad weird.
Well, off to bed for me!
Night all,
Myrrh

[Underdog]

Just checking on you, Cinderella... hope things went beautifully last night.

Bets

[Lyrael]

Last night was not a good night.

I was obviously more upset/"freaked out" than I realized, because when I signed off the computer with him, I started snooping. And of course, when you're looking, you always find something.

About four days after my H moved back in, he spent what, for us, was a large amount of money, and didn't say anything to me about it. Well, my phone magically morphed from a pumpkin back into a phone, and I called him and asked "did you spend money on X?" He said "no." And I asked him again "did you buy X?" And he said no again.

So I told him I knew he was lying and let him have it with both barrels. The incredible anger from both of us was because this particular situation touched on two of our most sore spots - my not giving him privacy, and him using said privacy to lie and hide things.

I can't do a damn thing about him lying - I didn't confront him in a way that could allow him to be anything other than PA. I could have approached it so much more constructively, if I chose to approach it at all. Apparently he knew I had been snooping (I had that issue beaten, and now al of a sudden its rearing its ugly head again), and hadn't said anything to me about it because "he didn't want to start a fight."

So I am pretty PO'd - at him and at myself for such a massive dbing nosedive. Instead of throwing in the towel (both of us were ready to do that for awhile last night), I am going to make a plan for the next few days.

I have let things get incredibly out of whack in my life since H came back, and I really need to address that. So here's the plan:
1: Today I am going to do the laundry that's been waiting for two weeks. I am also going to the library to get a couple of M/R books I have been wanting to read. I am getting off the computer at 10:30pm sharp, and my behind will be firmly in bed by midnight at the latest. Once I am off this computer, the phone is a pumpkin that has sprouted wings and flown away.
2: Tomorrow I have plans to go see "The Passion of the Christ" with some family - H and S will be staying home. I am going to keep those plans, and also go to church in the evening (it's easier for me to go Sat night than wake up early every Sunday). During Sat I am going to try and get my kitchen somewhat closer to being cleaned up. I will be off the comp by 10:30 and the phone, well, you know...
3: Sunday I am going to go in to work at 9am - my job hasn't exactly been my highest priority lately, and my performance has shown it. I am going to get an expenses report that has been hanging over my head done. I'll go home when I get that done, and I hope we will still have our regular Sunday family night. If I have time that day, I am going to attempt to work on S's room.
4: On Monday, I am going to work at 9am, and am only going to post on the BB at lunch - my computer time has gotten kind of out of hand lately, and I need to fix that. That evening I will work on S's room again if I have the energy. Same computer logoff/phone transmogrification will happen.

And so on and so forth - you'll notice none of these says anything about H, and that's because I think the root of the difficulties we are having (besides him being dishonest about a certain purchase) is mostly because I am trying to keep my husband's schedule instead of mine, and I can't do that. I am not taking care of myself like I need to, and that has to change.
I still haven't given up.
Myrrh

[Meredith]

I'd say those goals sound pretty damn good!

You know that snooping is generally wrong...and you know that approaching things to a PA person has to happen differently. So...just for documentation purposes...if you had to do it over, what would you do?

I see that this has brought out a positive change in you though...I think that it is time to start focusing on a schedule that works better for your well being. GO YOU!!!

[Lyrael]

Okay - before I respond to my last posts, or update anything, I wanted to post a tiny excerpt from "Getting the Love you Want." There are many things Dr. (Harville) Hendrix's approach that I don't necessarily agree with, but these couple of paragraphs really hit home:

Let's suppose that for some reason your spouse begins to treat you more kindly. At first you thrive on this turn of events. But gradually an inner voice begins to make itself heard: "You can't be respected," says the voice. "That's not allowed. If you continue along this path, you will not survive. Your existence is in the hands of others, and they will not let you be whole!" To silence this voice, you find ways to undermine your spouse's behavior. Maybe you deliberately pick fights or become suspicious of your partner's motives.

And this:

Resistance to the satisfaction of a deeply held need is more common than most people would believe. Most...who terminate therapy prematurely do so not because they are unable to make positive changes, but because they can't cope with the anxiety that the positive changes bring about.

And what is good old Harville's answer to this "fear of success?"

The way to overcome this fear, once again, is to keep on with the process.

In other words, the only way to get through that wall of fear is to keep the positive changes going until the fear goes away on its own.

When my H does what I want, this is true of how I feel:

When your partner starts treating you the way that you long to be treated, you experience a strange combination of pleasure and fear.

The fear is what's derailing my DBing - because when things go well, my anxiety becomes almost intolerable. What I am getting from this book is that this is normal, and it will go away as long as I keep doing the things that bring on the anxiety.
BONK, BONK (sound of Myrrh's head hitting the desk)
Oh, that'll be easy, right?
Well, anyway - just wanted to share that insight with you. The clock ticks on into another night of opportunity to "db my butt off."
Love to all,
Myrrh

P.S. My hunch is that this fear of positive change is VERY strong in the WAS, and may interfere with them allowing themselves to reconnect. Any thoughts on this?

[dazedboy]

Hendrix was a concept easy for me to accept, but what a turn off for my W. All of the needs being rooted in early life stuff. I think he has great insight into what is happening TODAY whether it is based on early childhood or not.

When your partner starts treating you the way that you long to be treated, you experience a strange combination of pleasure and fear.

AND

"Your existence is in the hands of others, and they will not let you be whole!"

With Michele's approach, this is one of the concepts I have and continue to struggle with. I agree that I am the only one who can make me happy or I should say allow myself to be happy. But I know, in a deeply rooted sense, that I am happiest with my W, both taking care of her and allowing her to "complete me" as Hendrix proffers.

As for your last comment,

fear of positive change is VERY strong in the WAS, and may interfere with them allowing themselves to reconnect

I think it is true both from the spouse allowing you to change/reconnect and allowing themselves to change/reconnect. Way too much philosophy on only one cup of coffee this Sunday morning.

I think the excercises in the Hendrix book would be a great tool to consider with hubby. I especially like that re-romanticizing excercise. It dovetails so nicely with DBing.

(for those who haven't read that book, it is a step of thinking:

I FEEL most loved when my S does x;
I FELT most loved in our early romantic period when my S did x; and also,
I WOULD FEEL more loved if my S did x.'

Write down and apply x's. Do this for yourself and your S. It is meant to develop a safety zone by seeing your S as a source of pleasure again, not hurt.)

Myrrh, you see and realize that you have the ability to undermine your hubby's successes. This leads me to believe that you are and will continue to take steps to allow him to come closer to you. This is something for you to acknowledge, but not fear.

Such wisdom you are showing, and positives in your approaches. 'Myrrh, The Wise DBer' has a nice sound to it.

[Underdog]

Hey chickie!

Just wanted to say hi and pass the optimist ball to you today! It looks like you're in good form to help Meredith, Pattie and me get back in the swing of things.

I really enjoyed hearing your thoughts on Hendrix.... and that's a big GO YOU you're hearing from me!

Hugs,

Bets

[Lyrael]

Hiya Bets and Dazed -
Thanks for the cheerleading - it really helps. I kind of threw out the rule book this weekend and just winged it as best I could. I am working on my attitude right now.

Nope, my H isn't exactly as I'd like him to be. There are things he does that just drive me up the wall, and things he does that could potentially really hurt us financially, but my primary goal rigth now is to create a safe space for him to share what's going on in his life and through his head with me, and by golly, he is doing just that.

Case in point - he let me know last night as we were leaving for a visit to his aunt that he needed to be back at work by 7 (which kicked my Peeve-O-Meter up about twelve notches, since it was 5:30). Then he quickly assured me it was about a car, and not about Everquest or anything like that.

I said "Oh, you're letting someone look at the blue car?" (we're selling it)

H: No, it's about buying one.

M: I just know there was a vein already starting to throb in my head. How much?

H: $1500.

M: Keep in mind that we are supposedly setting aside money to file a bankruptcy, buy a new washer and dryer, and pay off some bills that desperately need attention. WHAT?!? What about the bankruptcy, and our bills, and I continued on, escalating into screaming.

Everything went to hell from there, and then it got to (like it always does) "Okay, fine, we'll just file for D." Then we kind of look at each other, and I at least realize that isn't what I want, so I better get creative and figure out a way to fix what I just did.

So on the way to his aunt's house, I told him "If you really want this car and feel like you have a workable financial plan for getting it, you go for it." And I meant it. He acknowledged that I made my point, and he would think about it. He put in a bid on the thing, and we were online together when he did. I validated the hell out of him, shared his excitement, and shelved my absolute outrage that he would consider buying a wrecked car off of e-bay, that was somewhere in CLEVELAND, just because it was the same gorgeous kind he had to leave behind in Hawaii when he moved away from there. To him, this car was really important. So he bid on it, but at the last second someone else put in a bid five hundred dollars higher, and they won. I validated his disappoinment, and just said "sounds good to me" when he said "I'll just ahve to save my pennies." No I told you so's or gloating or anything mean like that.

So I screwed up by getting anry in the firs place, but damn it, I am learning. He is who he is right now, and I am the one that has the tools to change myself and work on my acceptance of the situation. So that is what I am going to do. And last night I was positivel bubbly when he came home (at 1AM ) and he was thrilled with that. I was happier because instead of fighting how things were, I just accepted them.

I still need to go to bed earlier, and I still need to do a better job with my house, but I am learning, and if that isn't progress, well, I don't know what is.

Hugs to all,
Myrrh