The Owl and the Pussycat

[Lyrael]

Okay - before I respond to my last posts, or update anything, I wanted to post a tiny excerpt from "Getting the Love you Want." There are many things Dr. (Harville) Hendrix's approach that I don't necessarily agree with, but these couple of paragraphs really hit home:

Let's suppose that for some reason your spouse begins to treat you more kindly. At first you thrive on this turn of events. But gradually an inner voice begins to make itself heard: "You can't be respected," says the voice. "That's not allowed. If you continue along this path, you will not survive. Your existence is in the hands of others, and they will not let you be whole!" To silence this voice, you find ways to undermine your spouse's behavior. Maybe you deliberately pick fights or become suspicious of your partner's motives.

And this:

Resistance to the satisfaction of a deeply held need is more common than most people would believe. Most...who terminate therapy prematurely do so not because they are unable to make positive changes, but because they can't cope with the anxiety that the positive changes bring about.

And what is good old Harville's answer to this "fear of success?"

The way to overcome this fear, once again, is to keep on with the process.

In other words, the only way to get through that wall of fear is to keep the positive changes going until the fear goes away on its own.

When my H does what I want, this is true of how I feel:

When your partner starts treating you the way that you long to be treated, you experience a strange combination of pleasure and fear.

The fear is what's derailing my DBing - because when things go well, my anxiety becomes almost intolerable. What I am getting from this book is that this is normal, and it will go away as long as I keep doing the things that bring on the anxiety.
BONK, BONK (sound of Myrrh's head hitting the desk)
Oh, that'll be easy, right?
Well, anyway - just wanted to share that insight with you. The clock ticks on into another night of opportunity to "db my butt off."
Love to all,
Myrrh

P.S. My hunch is that this fear of positive change is VERY strong in the WAS, and may interfere with them allowing themselves to reconnect. Any thoughts on this?